The prelude: Baby Blues

I sent over an article on the topic of PPD and Baby blues to my editor at Wellvyl and I’ve been thinking about my experience with baby blues.

I’m heading towards my fifth trimester (2nd phase of postpartum). It’s rarely really spoken how we as women have to readjust to society and life, as a new mother as our body reverts back to its form post baby. This time last year I was already pregnant and didn’t know (I would find out a few weeks later at a routine check up). This last year has been spent nurturing and bringing my daughter to life. The adjustment is real, I’m living through it. I don’t know how other creatives felt after birth, during pregnancy especially. I think there’s something to be spoken of in regards to that.

My first baby is LustyinLavender. Everything I’ve created under that has felt like birth in a metaphorical sense. My poetry brand has pushed me to new heights and life I’m eternally grateful for. Being pregnant for me, sparked a need to focus mostly on creating a safe and healthy space for my baby to be in, while I was pregnant and once born. The shift of my craft taking the back seat when it was a passenger for the last 6 years (2012 LustyinLavender was born) took a toll on me in my fourth trimester. I had to reassess a lot of internal conflicts between this new life I’m creating with my child, myself as a mother, most importantly as an evolving woman (I speak of this in my article, once posted I’ll follow up with link).

As a creator standing still is torturous, I feel I must be creating at all times, not just for my child but for me as well. A concern I have is not giving myself the same energy I’m so eager and willing to give my child. Her birth, her being, sparked a desire in me I never even knew one could have, I certainly didn’t have that prior for my brand, let alone self. That’s a hard pill to swallow.

I washed it down with water, a lot of water.

I realized how much deeper the untapped energy, potential and resources I possess now as Luna’s mother. It’s mind-boggling. This is beautiful and terrifying to know that I have so much more than I already felt I could give. I’ve spoken of my theory and experience of reaching 100% for some time, if you’ve been following me from saintandtheSinner days you know well. I stare at my child and and see what my half created, amazing, how she inspires me to give her my all. I want that same energy.

Keeping it all the way real, I was playing too much with my life, I wasn’t committed to anything 100% let alone anyone…. starting and ending with me. I would literally half ass it. It’s gotten me great results, why would I exert more energy if I’m not inspi(red) to? I want phenomenal now. I am committed to taking myself as seriously as I deserve and give every thing/one 100% for my highest good. My child has inspi(red) me in such a way that the baby blues hit me hard, and her spirit and pure gaze kept me from falling victim to PPD. The realization of what’s going on, the inability to express to others exactly what’s happening within you as your body undergoes yet another shift, emotionally, mentally, spiritually AND physically. I see why mothers are made out to be superwoman. We are. 4 shifts simultaneously over the span of a years time, conception, the pregnancy, after birth, living the adjustment.

Time is warped something vicious.. for self development it’s vital. I believe there’s so many time zones within our minds, I can’t… that’s another topic. Another day. The days fly by and stretch in retrospect. There’s a synchronization being formed for parent and child on a daily basis that oddly reflects the subtle cues during the pregnancy. Anyway, I can see now that I’m on the other side, shit is wild real. This is early and I’m feeling all of this… this is for a lifetime! This is dope, I have more excitement than fear. I am not worried about how I will care for my child, it’s really lit for her. She could not have picked a better mother and when I look deep into her beautiful eyes, she confirms it. The grin she gets from me seals it into my soul every trip. It’s very comforting and exciting. I was chosen.

I can’t forget about me.

With the blessing my baby is, it’s easy to do it. I can’t get lost in her. Yeah ima few months in the game of parenthood, but as I mentioned, time flies. Next thing I know, she’s off to school, asking me questions about life and wanting a shoulder to cry on. I care for me with the same energy I care for her, I will be the best person for us both. That’s important to me. Keeping the balance, living freely and fulfilled for my peace of mind. It’s easy to lose it.

It’s so easy to lose it, when you start slipping, you attack yourself (me to me). Being hard on myself I knew no limit.. I never stop studying myself, and this new level I’m experiencing has its overwhelming moments. I understand perfect is pointless, we are human, I swear I KNOW that… yet because I am human, it’s like fuck it. Ima try anyway. Can’t blame me for trying, I want what I want.

We always get what we want, just never how we expect to receive it….. because we never expect it, we try to control factors involved and ignore the fact, we got what we wanted. Humans, pathetic we are. *half joke* I want everything, and this new shift has adjusted my perception of what everything means to me. This new perspective has opened up my eyes after squeezing them shut during the shift waves, allowing me to see life in a new way, like my daughter when she looks at me like it’s a new day.. shit is real.

I feel really good in this moment, I am coasting, the lows served the purpose and as I now elevate through to my fifth trimester I can happily say I’m learning the balance of my two babies, my crafts and my child. Allowing both to continue maturing and evolving me as I continue to pour everything I have within to both equally and accordingly for as long as I live. Enjoying my life 100%, growing through every phase, knowing when to charge up and when to just rest.

It’s a journey I am overall proud to be on. Skin has been shed.

I will soon introduce to the world the evolved me, this is just the prelude. Keep calm.

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Velcro.

There’s a word I’m fond of, yet it’s a tongue twister when I say it out loud.

Compartmentalize is the word.

.

A lot of people knows what this means internally, and a lot of others wonder about it… the ability to separate what needs to be separated; not all things are the same even when they’re equal. Compartmentalizing is what a lot of people lean on when giving those who are viewed as bad by popular vote vs what they create (think R. Kelly, we’ll get to the artist vs person theory later), a pass to still flourish.

I think about human nature a lot, as I continue to learn my own… I follow the evolution of people from my life as well as my own. You think about compartmentalizations (say it slowly) and how you’ve used it, then and now and how obvious it is when others are despite them saying they’re not. A lot of us has been a hypocrite at some point or another, and if you’re denying ever being that, you’re still delusional.

We say what we would do until it’s time to do… and when it’s time to do it, you see who is who.

Be you every single time.

This life of mine is a very interesting experience I am more intrigued and entertained living it. I’m not a “why me?”… I’m annoying, “what does this mean? … what is this telling me? What am I doing next?” With this mentality, I’m gaining awareness on a multitude of levels. It’s amazing really.

I really don’t know shit, and I know everything… One day I will be able to explain that.

How do you live a life detached but attached? How can you say you’re present in the moment, yet stuck in the past or future? The inability to compartmentalize is what keeps many people screaming, fuck feelings. And it’s like hold on holiday, let’s bring it back… it’s not your feelings you’re upset with, it’s your form of attachment and the consequences you have to endure when it’s time to detach, and it’s always by force or some traumatic ass experience bc you wouldn’t detach when it was time to go.

It’s always time to go, and you gotta be like Velcro. Quick and swift, when we were attached, it was all that… peel it back like Velcro when it’s time to go and it’s smooth sailing. (I assume the detachment of Velcro is way more soothing than detaching a band-aid off your skin, textures are different… anyway)

Compartmentalizing are reserved for sociopaths it seems, I’m being dramatic but emotionally this sounds wild, many people can’t control one emotion, how the hell are they going to control multiple emotions while separating them? It doesn’t add up to most… I get it, I think.

If you believe our complexity in our biological build, why would emotions be anything but simple? Why do we have no problem compartmentalizing our thoughts, vision cabinet and organized filing categorized by preference and importance.. we all have done it.

Now I can spin off into a whole tangent about emotions and hope y’all would feel me (there go the word hope again, it has such a condensing taste to me now.. yuck), but I know deep down you still might not no matter how hard you feel it… I’m okay with that.

Learn your feelings, love them, express them in multiple ways, and find your ability to detach just as smooth as when you latch on. The beauty of life is the ability to move through it, emotion… energy in motion. Understand your motion. Your timing is not mine and vice versa… we must remember that energy shifts in motion when we become so stunned we stubbornly stop. Keep going. The timing is always perfect, who cares what could’ve or should’ve been, it wasn’t. It was what it was… chalk up the reality as an L for thinking you knew better… now you know. Lesson learned. There were more lessons in the reality than the fantasy. That’s facts.

We are constantly tested by every aspect of life, CONSTANTLY (Dexter St. jock voice)! Everything you learn, will be tested for growth, are you growing? That’s what matters most.

Are you growing?

Can you separate the wants vs need.. what you think vs what you feel… What you have vs what you lack? Can you throw your emotions out on the floor and begin to sort out what stays and what’s done served its purpose? Are you able to really be happy despite how what makes you happy, are viewed by others? (Even when you don’t care what people think, the societal views definitely factors in how loud or quiet we are about our not so accepted happy ways.)

People fuck with R. Kelly ignoring his rapist ways because he made them feel something they do not want to detach from. His music has created memories, babies, families, saved lives if I wanna stretch, it wouldn’t be so far. Yet he rapes and manipulates young lost women and is walking the streets.. That man is really a rapist.. that my friend, is the impact of compartmentalization. There are so many examples how many of us use compartmentalizing as a vessel to express hypocrisy … so imagine what we can do with such organization to progress instead of deflecting?

Separating emotions not to justify rather to simplify how to keep it moving.

You can’t move if you’re stuck, gotta detach like Velcro and keep it going.

The thing about compartmentalism is, everything connects to the bigger picture, in the end, just gotta keep certain aspects of it apart until the time comes.

Shit real.

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My first 30 days as a parent.

Day 48… I think, maybe it’s day 50. Eh you get it.

My whole life has changeddd, since you came in…” (ginuwine voice)

The reality of parenting is slowly sinking in. Shit is realer than its ever been. I’m so obsessed and in love with this beautiful alert baby girl. I’m learning and adjusting and so far this is awesome. My baby is perfect for me, she’s making this transition so easy and fun (as fun as a newborn can be). And of course, I’ve been in deep thought.

I’m absorbing and observing this experience while flooding my mind with all I know of parenting styles. Using how I was raised, friends and family were raised as a study guide; mixing my working experience with young children as well my own research and child development classes during my time in school. Times are so different, yet not much has changed. I think of how our parents were taught to care for kids, and as grateful as I am for my upbringing, I notice what they didn’t do. That’s just as important as what they did do. See I don’t blame our parents for what they didn’t do, most of them didn’t know any better.. we do though.

I never want to forget what it felt like to be a child, I want to always keep a strong healthy progressive relationship with my daughter. I am so fucking excited and hono(red) to be her mom like woah, this is mind-blowing.

The moment it settled in that I was having my baby I felt ready, yet holding her in my arms, getting up in the middle of the night for diaper changes and feedings, I feel for certain this was the perfect time for me. She’s so alert already, I am thrilled to be the one responsible for how she grows and how she helps me grow as well.

I won’t lie I’m a little nervous, this is a whole human life, I don’t want to fuck her up. I see my generation, many are lost and confused in a self-detrimental spiral to their demise. Granted, some of their parents did all the “right” things, yet somehow they still lost themselves trying to find themselves… I want to ensure my daughter knows herself even when she is looking for who that is on the deepest level. I want to instill valuable qualities that build her up to be the best version of herself, whoever that may be and know through every stage, I’m always there to support and nurture the growth. Giving her the opportunities to enjoy each stage of her life and embedding gratitude for every moment, hoping she doesn’t fall victim to wanting to grow up so fast.. wanting to fit in, wanting love and reasons to live. How will I go about that will come to me as clear as her developing personality when it shines through.

I want to be the best leading example.

Knowing she’s looking up to me has my whole mentality on another level, it’s beyond a mirror. Your child reflects everything you are in their own way… amazing stuff really. I aim to stay true to my dreams, showing her how reality is as flexible as her imagination (& with today’s technology, it’s not too far off). This era is golden if you use it right, yes there’s so much negativity and danger on this earth, and I will make her aware of it, as well as prepa(red) to handle it in a healthy manner. She will learn to reflect and analyze… rather than to cry and dwell. Life is beautiful, we must give the energy towards what we desire and are already grateful for.

I also look forward to the times where she’ll learn who I am as a woman. I’m 27, I’m relatively young, full of life and wonderment. I am a woman first, mother second.. if it wasn’t for the first, I wouldn’t be a mother. I want to embrace my new level of womanhood and all its glory, being the best and honest role model. I want my daughter to take on my sense of pride in womanhood and morality in being true to who you are as serious as I do, even more now that she’s here.

I wonder how parenting is going to continue to shape me, and her especially… this lifetime journey is so exciting and I pray this high doesn’t fade. Most of the warnings I’ve received about the newborn stage, has proven to be false with my baby.. it’s rather pleasant to be honest. So we’ll see how it continues to plays out, above all I’m very grateful.

Shit is real.

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Shit just gets realer.

My sincerest apologies, my god it has been so long.. I can’t even begin to express how many nights I’ve thought of posting only to distract myself with sleep or something. Shit getting realer, I hope this finds you when you need it most.

I’ve been growing and life has certainly brought about blessings in challenges I would not have envisioned in a million years. Yet here I am stronger than ever, as I allow my new candle to burn I knew it was time to come here. I missed you WordPress family. Shit is real, you knew that though.

I had a revelation this evening/morning. My focus is very clear. It wasn’t foggy per say yet it was misty at most. I am now in my third trimester baring my first child, and as I type this I am overwhelmed with joy knowing the journey this has been. I’ve created life with many projects, never an experience like this. This is a beautiful phase in my life, it has not been the easiest, yet it’s worth every moment. I am valuing the time, the lessons and the evolution that’s taking place within and around me. I’m never one to get too personal, at least not yet. Just know I’m in a great space and it’s elevating me to the greatest realm I could ever ask for. It’s wild to me though… how we ask for things and never think of how we will actually receive them; we envision how we would like to obtain what we desire, yet we limit our vision from the limitless possibilities the universe has in store for us. The reality is always much rawer and better than the fantasy, our fantasy serves our present state, the universe serves us for our highest good. Regardless of how long it takes us to accept it, it’s truly better when we let go of resistance and follow the desire to fruition with no limitation. It’s hard for the ego to accept this, yet the spirit is so satisfied. We must never deny this, the ego doesn’t know shit, it is a shield we use when we want to resist the natural order of things. Do you want to remain in your happy state? Or do you want to prove your ego right? Your ego can see but so far, your spirit, however, knows no boundaries. The infinite joy can be manifested in so many ways.

We can cry and pout about how our vision isn’t exactly what was given, for what? We got what we asked for in the best way to not only satisfy the spirit but to help us grow to another level as well. We don’t ever stop wanting, we can’t ever stop growing. There is no country for the stagnant. Not where I’m from. You can give in to your lower ego self and allow petty distractions to slow you up and keep you at a standstill, or you can rise up to the occasion, own it and grow through every experience regardless of how it’s perceived by you or anyone else. Life is so beautiful.

I’m back, I was resistant to the many changes I’m experiencing, not in a negative way rather a stubborn way, this is new to me. As much as I love and embrace change, I never felt this to the degree I’m experiencing now. It’s many things, and it’s everything. I am in control and I have let it go. That was my resistance. Wanting to control how I adjust, when in reality I just had to put more of that energy into trusting this process. I’ve battled with trust issues on different levels throughout life, thus my need for control and with projects it’s easy to be in control, I am the creator. However, there’s a level of creativity that requires no control, allowing God and the universe to handle what you don’t need to… despite your urge to want to, using that as an excuse to determine your role as creator. Shit really get realer, and as my baby girl kicks as rapidly as I’m typing this, I’m so blessed. I am aware. I have not fallen victim to my circumstances and ego. I have risen and continue to rise above this and it feels great, I am so ready to continue this journey as I am to express and push all that I love and have within me.

I really must force sleep now, a long productive day awaits, already I’ve gotten so much done. I’m happy to be back. I will be posting more. So many topics I want to discuss. Just remember, progress is perfect, keep moving stay sturdy and keep calm. It’s all in your favor.

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Shit real.

Do you feel the changes?

Can you feel the shift beneath your feet?

Are you panicking at this unknown burst of emotion that you feel the need to tie to negative thoughts?

Shit is so real…. and this is great!!

So much is happening, for the better as always… how long will it take you to see it? I know you gotta feeeeel it.

You know what’s really good? When you catch yourself moving differently in seeming similar situations. Choosing the better and more progressive options. When you realize how much you’re growing and how AMAZING this feeling is. So fucking amazing just knowing all the reasons why you can’t explain it is more than enough.

You FEEEEEL it.

You don’t gotta explain shit to nobody, especially the numb. It’s like talking to a brick wall.

For the first time in a long time, you feeeel it so deeply you don’t even doubt it.

You know.

Shit real.

Flowing towards your desires, satisfied NOT patient with the process, enjoying and learning from the progress and everything becomes perfect all of a sudden.

Coinwinky dink? I think not.

Always at the right time, I’m reminded I can do no wrong.

Everything is everything.

I have more than I need to continuously reach/ sustain my goals and on a daily it amazes me at how much gets done with focus and clear intentions.

Honesty will forever remain the BEST policy.

You will ALWAYS get what you want. Be clear on what that is, and don’t contradict it. You don’t need to. Trust that.

Few things I wanna share, I’ll just meditate for now.

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FULL MOON.

Shoutout to all my wolves, even the ones in sheep's clothing.

Taken by me, on AdonisT6 with my extendo lens, on a rooftop in the Bronx, NY
August 6, 2017 9:30pm

Fucking beautiful !!! The radiance captu(red) below doesn't do the reality of that energy any justice… breathtaking really.

I'm learning more about catching focus, I'm so in love with the moon, forever catching my eye.

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4th Quarter

Always room for improvement, what could you enhance?

Are you willing to shake shit up and implement new methods in your daily life for the sake of progression?

Too many fear change, for what? I don't know. All change is good. Even when we label it as bad, the bad makes us better. Every single time this is proven, on all scales of this spectrum of life. Why do we easily forget? Why is it that we are so adamant about being right, with the wrong things… it's okay to be wrong, when you want to be so right about the wrong things… things that don't matter, things that aren't conducive to your progression…. you just want to be right in your demise…
"see I told you this wouldn't work out"
OF COURSE IT WON'T WORK OUT… YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT.

Whether you think you can or you can't… you're right.
That's such a powerful quote, reflecting mind over matter….

we are so conditioned to envision worst case scenarios; attach our contradicting feelings to it, manifest the worst case scenario just to validate our sick way of being.

Why don't we easily envision the best case scenario? It seems far fetched? Those outside voices of limiting and narrow minded people echo in your brain? We don't ever want to be tooooo good, or too far ahead of everyone else, then we feel wrong, because we are leaving others behind, we are no longer relating to a self fulfilling prophecy of demise and desperation… and that scares many of us. Why would it? Most of our loved ones are over there…. and we don't want them to feel beneath us, or unloved by us… which is fucking stupid to me, no matter where you or your loved ones are at in life, your progressions is YOURS. It most certainly isn't a reflection of what others can or cannot do. Focus on yourself. yet conditioning of this manner isn't rare, nor foreign concept.. at least where I'm from. Poverty is a sickness many of us aren't aware of.

Let's talk about how change is a vital piece to our emotional, mental and physical state.

Change isn't discrediting all you've done, I believe many fear change for that sole reason… If I switch it up now, that means what I did then didn't work. Nope. It's leveling up. What you did then, served its purpose, it doesn't work NOW. Understanding that clarifies so many misconceptions of growth. Growing is change. It's inevitable.. yet we fight so hard, spend so much time forcing things to remain the same, despite everything in us saying WE NEED CHANGE.

This life is ours for the creating, even if you feel you've created the ideal life for yourself; understand, there's always so much more… you can do no wrong, there is no end.

Trust the process, be clear about what you want in such a general way, the details write themselves.
Trust yourself, shit is realer than ever.

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