I’ve been thinking… As usual.
I’m still playing with balance, still adjusting levels of factors in my life.
I think of what I know, what I think I know, and what I don’t.
I do my best to ensure that all the thoughts are positive, but realistically that isn’t always as easy as I would like.. Certain negative thoughts are certainly very much true and real but I rather not to focus on it, not so much that I ignore it.. I’m aware of the wrong.. But I don’t feed it. I don’t encourage it. I acknowledge what’s wrong, and begin to think and plot of ways to convert it to right. Sometimes finding ways to right a wrong is very hard but lord knows, I don’t break easily.
Life is an everyday challenge.
Not where you want to be just yet.. but you’ll be damned if you stop now. No ‘road block’ will halt your journey. That’s how I see it.
I believe with every fiber in my being that nothing and no one can stop me.. Except me. So that’s who I’m hard on. Me. I think so often of what I’m building and working towards, keeping in mind the reality of now.. Now, I have to go harder… Whenever I think I’m going hard, I feel the need to push myself with even more force.
There’s plenty I’m working on internally, externally.. And I just choose to remain positive overall.. Sure there are moments where negativity shows its face every now and then, but as I’ve mentioned I give it my minimal attention.
My attention span is very childish, curious as ever but refuses to focus on one thing long enough.. I’ve been whipping it into shape for many years now and I’ve gotten better with focus..
I’m getting better all around everyday, I remind myself of this, constantly.. I have no other choice. In what I’m pursuing with my life, I know it’s going to take a long time.. That’s fine. I’ve finally accepted that, but due to my anxious nature I can’t help but get all riled up internally anticipating what’s to come.. This is where my reminders come in handy. Reminding me of my progress, my process and the signs life places in front of me.. Combined, the message is clear;
You’re well on your way… Just enjoy your ride…
And I am, I am getting better at really soaking in the moment. The end is satisfying but, it’s a limited satisfaction… For me in particular, the ending. The final piece, work, whatever is enticing.. But then it becomes regular or normal for me. I get used to things easily.. The spark wears off so it may come off as I’m not appreciative, ungrateful even. And it’s not that at all. I’m extremely grateful for everything that I am able to do.. But once my vision is real, it’s on to the next one.. It doesn’t seem odd to me, all these visions I have in mind, I can’t stay hooked on one for too long. So to fully appreciate everything, I have to over indulge in the process. In the makings of my crafts, the reason for my joy.
I still feel restricted though, a lot of those restrictions I placed upon myself… To free myself of these restrictions I have to get to a certain place… I won’t allow myself to be free, until I truly feel free.
And my goal is to be free.