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It’s been a while…Why has it been so long?
— you tell me, I’m exactly where you last left me.
.. Time, along with my mind gets the best of me… I guess.
— or you know?
Yes. I know.
—I take it you’ve been busy.
Yes in more ways than ever…
—Well you’re here now how you’ve been?
—why? Is everything okay?
Yes, better than okay actually.
—So what are you sca(red) of?
What’s coming to me?
—What is coming to you?
Everything I ever wanted, I feel it now more than ever gradually approaching me, and it’s making me slightly nervous…
—Why? Isn’t that what you want, to receive all you ever wanted?
Yes but the intensity of my work has been increasing rapidly to the point where I know once I get what I’ve been working for, nothing will ever be the same..
—You fear the change?
Not the change but the aftermath of the change.. The reality of it maybe. You know all I think of, all I work for… For it to become a solid reality kinda scares me.. What else am I really capable of?
—Whatever you want to be. We discussed how there’s no limit to what you can accomplish shall you desire it. But what it sounds like to me, and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, your fear stems from the feeling of who you’re becoming… It’s alarming you in a way you don’t quite understand. I don’t think it’s fear exactly.. Maybe anxiety of what’s coming, of who you’re going to be able to reveal once you reach these goals. See, you don’t fear many things.. I can see that. You’re more anxious than fearful. Anxious in a positive sense, if you were fearful of what’s awaiting you… You would turn the other way, yet you continue down this path you’ve been paving, and the increase in anxiety is a sign of how close you truly are and how far you can still go after.
Damn. There she goes again, I knew coming to see her now would clarify many things. I’ve been busy with so many things and time just doesn’t seem to cut me any slack but I had to make time for her. I had to come and spill my soul to her for this very reason, and to think we were only five minutes into conversation… She lit the blunt as I sipped my usual cocktail, as I continue to process what she said… And of course, she awaited patiently in silence.
I think I’m ready to lose control. I think that’s the anxiety behind that, that’s what I’m confusing fear with.
—In what sense?
In the sense that I stop containing myself at times where I should show all of me… I’m too in control sometimes and it feels like the time is coming where I’m going to need to reveal myself.
—Do you feel ready for that?
Fuck yeah, that’s what I’ve been training for..
—So where does the fear or the anxiety come into play…
The thought that constantly haunts me, me in my entirety is too much for “the public” (I air quote with one hand, blunt in the other)
She laughs, I exhale and give her a weird look, I’m so serious.
–Baby girl, you’re more than too much for “the public” (she air quotes this mocking me) but this world needs people like you. I’ll keep telling you this as many times as I need to until it sinks in. You’re really the one. I’ve met many souls in my life and I have yet to encounter someone with your spirit and wisdom.. You’re still a baby, that honey, is scary. But your so aware and prepa(red) I have no doubt that you’ll be way more than the greatest thing you can imagine for yourself. The self doubt that occurs every once in a while is normal, accept that as a reality check, every doubt is silenced by all the plethora of reasons why you will, why you are.. When doubt says you can’t or you’re not. Your anxious nature is another test, testing your patience, testing your drive and motives… You remain calm although it takes every fiber in your being to do so.. You do. You’ll reveal yourself in due time, just relax and enjoy your youth.. You’re preserving it so well don’t forget to truly enjoy yourself. Everything you’re after is well on its way, you can play for a little bit… Just don’t lose focus.
I absorb it all.. Stare at her for a few, “you’re really amazing, you know that?” She smiles, —I try.
I ask her how’s she’s doing, what’s new with her and her life.. Of course she’s vague, but she gives me enough that I don’t feel the need to continue probing. We discuss current events and plans … Exchanging advice on several topics, something we’ve started doing recently, which I enjoy.. Getting to know her a little better.. and I think it’s more for me than her, to make me more comfortable but I know I help her, maybe not as much as she helps me.. But I help in a weird way, somehow. I can tell she values the fact that I’m attentive and helpful. I ask her if I can stay a little longer, I feel I haven’t seen her in so long our usual session seems so short. She glances at her imaginary planner (she doesn’t believe in those) “lucky for you, I’m free. Literally.”
We laugh as I roll another blunt and she makes another round of drinks..
I tell her I’m feeling torn in my love/lust aspect of my life.. How I’m torn between wanting to build something special with someone but I invest more time into building my empire… How do I ever expect to really build something real and I have such little time to invest towards it.
She smiles so hard, you would’ve thought I took my first steps or something.
—Your mind is in the right place.. You’re young, and for your focus to be so clear this early in your life I’m going to tell you now, love is going to be hard to find.. That’s why you don’t look, not saying you do. With your schedule I doubt you’re looking. But understand that you’re going to come across many men who aren’t for you before you find the one that is… The man that’s for you is for you… Your schedule, your goals, dreams won’t intimidate him but inspire him as he inspires you. Of course it’s amazing to be able to build up your dreams into reality with a man who builds simultaneously with you and for his dreams as well.. But the reality of it is, it’s not always going to unfold like that. Don’t let that discourage you though.
I don’t. It’s just, sometimes I just think about, what if I missed out on something real because I was so caught up in me and what I’m doing… The thought doesn’t last too long but it does cross my mind every now and then.
—You’re not missing out on anything, you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be and if you missed out on someone you overlooked, if it were meant to be.. It’ll happen.. That’s one thing about life.. No matter what path we’re on or what we’re doing.. Life will place the exact person we need when we need them.. If they leave our path, we didn’t need them.
You’re really so smart.
—Nah, I just live that’s all…
I think my favorite thing about her is her humbleness.. She really is this amazing individual and she knows this. Shit she knows everything else. But she never lets that get to her… We discuss a few other things, movies, life from different angles, books we’re reading. I grab a few from her library.. She says I’m the only one she let’s borrow books, I thought it was because I returned them in a timely manner, she said its because I love reading more than she does, and she never thought she’d meet the soul who did. So it’s only right.
Right, I reply sarcastically.. we laugh, I get a call and I have to go, which saddens me. I tell her I really missed her and I’ll be back sooner than later..
—I missed you too, and I’m always here whether it’s sooner or later… I’ll be here.
Funny I walked in sca(red), anxious and left calm, feeling serenity, high and intoxicated .. An amazing combo for me.