Visuals part 4

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It’s been a while…Why has it been so long?
— you tell me, I’m exactly where you last left me.
.. Time, along with my mind gets the best of me… I guess.
— or you know?
Yes. I know.
—I take it you’ve been busy.
Yes in more ways than ever…
—Well you’re here now how you’ve been?
Sca(red) really..
—why? Is everything okay?
Yes, better than okay actually.
—So what are you sca(red) of?
What’s coming to me?
—What is coming to you?
Everything I ever wanted, I feel it now more than ever gradually approaching me, and it’s making me slightly nervous…
—Why? Isn’t that what you want, to receive all you ever wanted?
Yes but the intensity of my work has been increasing rapidly to the point where I know once I get what I’ve been working for, nothing will ever be the same..
—You fear the change?
Not the change but the aftermath of the change.. The reality of it maybe. You know all I think of, all I work for… For it to become a solid reality kinda scares me.. What else am I really capable of?
—Whatever you want to be. We discussed how there’s no limit to what you can accomplish shall you desire it. But what it sounds like to me, and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, your fear stems from the feeling of who you’re becoming… It’s alarming you in a way you don’t quite understand. I don’t think it’s fear exactly.. Maybe anxiety of what’s coming, of who you’re going to be able to reveal once you reach these goals. See, you don’t fear many things.. I can see that. You’re more anxious than fearful. Anxious in a positive sense, if you were fearful of what’s awaiting you… You would turn the other way, yet you continue down this path you’ve been paving, and the increase in anxiety is a sign of how close you truly are and how far you can still go after.

Damn. There she goes again, I knew coming to see her now would clarify many things. I’ve been busy with so many things and time just doesn’t seem to cut me any slack but I had to make time for her. I had to come and spill my soul to her for this very reason, and to think we were only five minutes into conversation… She lit the blunt as I sipped my usual cocktail, as I continue to process what she said… And of course, she awaited patiently in silence.

I think I’m ready to lose control. I think that’s the anxiety behind that, that’s what I’m confusing fear with.

—In what sense?

In the sense that I stop containing myself at times where I should show all of me… I’m too in control sometimes and it feels like the time is coming where I’m going to need to reveal myself.

—Do you feel ready for that?

Fuck yeah, that’s what I’ve been training for..

—So where does the fear or the anxiety come into play…

The thought that constantly haunts me, me in my entirety is too much for “the public” (I air quote with one hand, blunt in the other)

She laughs, I exhale and give her a weird look, I’m so serious.

–Baby girl, you’re more than too much for “the public” (she air quotes this mocking me) but this world needs people like you. I’ll keep telling you this as many times as I need to until it sinks in. You’re really the one. I’ve met many souls in my life and I have yet to encounter someone with your spirit and wisdom.. You’re still a baby, that honey, is scary. But your so aware and prepa(red) I have no doubt that you’ll be way more than the greatest thing you can imagine for yourself. The self doubt that occurs every once in a while is normal, accept that as a reality check, every doubt is silenced by all the plethora of reasons why you will, why you are.. When doubt says you can’t or you’re not. Your anxious nature is another test, testing your patience, testing your drive and motives… You remain calm although it takes every fiber in your being to do so.. You do. You’ll reveal yourself in due time, just relax and enjoy your youth.. You’re preserving it so well don’t forget to truly enjoy yourself. Everything you’re after is well on its way, you can play for a little bit… Just don’t lose focus.

I absorb it all.. Stare at her for a few, “you’re really amazing, you know that?” She smiles, —I try.

I ask her how’s she’s doing, what’s new with her and her life.. Of course she’s vague, but she gives me enough that I don’t feel the need to continue probing. We discuss current events and plans … Exchanging advice on several topics, something we’ve started doing recently, which I enjoy.. Getting to know her a little better.. and I think it’s more for me than her, to make me more comfortable but I know I help her, maybe not as much as she helps me.. But I help in a weird way, somehow. I can tell she values the fact that I’m attentive and helpful. I ask her if I can stay a little longer, I feel I haven’t seen her in so long our usual session seems so short. She glances at her imaginary planner (she doesn’t believe in those) “lucky for you, I’m free. Literally.”

We laugh as I roll another blunt and she makes another round of drinks..

I tell her I’m feeling torn in my love/lust aspect of my life.. How I’m torn between wanting to build something special with someone but I invest more time into building my empire… How do I ever expect to really build something real and I have such little time to invest towards it.

She smiles so hard, you would’ve thought I took my first steps or something.
—Your mind is in the right place.. You’re young, and for your focus to be so clear this early in your life I’m going to tell you now, love is going to be hard to find.. That’s why you don’t look, not saying you do. With your schedule I doubt you’re looking. But understand that you’re going to come across many men who aren’t for you before you find the one that is… The man that’s for you is for you… Your schedule, your goals, dreams won’t intimidate him but inspire him as he inspires you. Of course it’s amazing to be able to build up your dreams into reality with a man who builds simultaneously with you and for his dreams as well.. But the reality of it is, it’s not always going to unfold like that. Don’t let that discourage you though.

I don’t. It’s just, sometimes I just think about, what if I missed out on something real because I was so caught up in me and what I’m doing… The thought doesn’t last too long but it does cross my mind every now and then.

—You’re not missing out on anything, you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be and if you missed out on someone you overlooked, if it were meant to be.. It’ll happen.. That’s one thing about life.. No matter what path we’re on or what we’re doing.. Life will place the exact person we need when we need them.. If they leave our path, we didn’t need them.

You’re really so smart.

—Nah, I just live that’s all…

I think my favorite thing about her is her humbleness.. She really is this amazing individual and she knows this. Shit she knows everything else. But she never lets that get to her… We discuss a few other things, movies, life from different angles, books we’re reading. I grab a few from her library.. She says I’m the only one she let’s borrow books, I thought it was because I returned them in a timely manner, she said its because I love reading more than she does, and she never thought she’d meet the soul who did. So it’s only right.

Right, I reply sarcastically.. we laugh, I get a call and I have to go, which saddens me. I tell her I really missed her and I’ll be back sooner than later..

—I missed you too, and I’m always here whether it’s sooner or later… I’ll be here.

Funny I walked in sca(red), anxious and left calm, feeling serenity, high and intoxicated .. An amazing combo for me.



She did not simply read books—she took them apart, rigorously analyzed them, and learned valuable lessons to apply to her own life. All this reading implanted in her brain various styles that would enrich her own writing style. She did not merely socialize—she strained to understand people at their core and to uncover their secret motivations. She did not just analyze her own psychology, but went so deeply into the various levels of consciousness she found within herself that she developed insights about the functioning memory that foreshadowed many discoveries in neuroscience. — Mr. Greene.


Shit real.

Things are getting better, my vibes too. I’ve been working harder and the results are brewing to the point where the pot is starting to steam.. Which is always good. It’s almost time.

I’ve taken on a task recently. I quit my last job and started a new one. Won’t say where, although the travel is quite long, the benefits of it outweigh it. The pay is pretty decent but the main reason I took on this job was the opportunity. The many opportunities I saw when I took on this job. I am forced to discipline myself even further, pushing myself to limits I always avoided. But for the growth of my progression, it’s ideal.

No one is going to push me as hard as I push myself. And I’ve been setting up exercises, mental and physical to build my endurance, my stamina. My training has been intensified and I feel good, a bit ti(red) .. But that won’t slow me down. Spring is here, the flowers are going to blossom any day now, the weather breaking. I’m right behind it.

My focus is building. Working to ensure my foundation is truly solid. In order to guarantee this, I must be well rounded. Now I’m pretty sharp and well all around.. I can always expand that though. Although who I am present day is certainly good enough, I aim to be better. The fear of being stagnant fuels this desire to out do myself in every aspect. I don’t think of much else. Everything I think of correlates to the bigger picture.

Speaking of the bigger picture, I’ve started to share it with a select few. A few that are in my opinion above me, in a few aspects, but mainly experience. I crave knowledge as much as I crave success in anything I choose to indulge in and to surround myself around those that can add to both simultaneously, is ideal for me. I need that dual stimulation, maybe my gemini ways are the reason. But whatever it is, I need that.

I’ve sorted out my needs and wants, and my needs are my wants… What I want is what I need. I know what I can do without, so those replaceable factors aren’t wants to me, cravings, yes perhaps. But my needs are what I want. I want my needs because what I need is going to bring me everything I truly want ..

Self discipline is key.
You may have had discipline from an authoritative figure but understand that no matter how much discipline you feel you’ve gained from someone else, you have to be in control of you. You have to discipline yourself. If not, you’ll spend your whole life waiting for someone to steer you in the right direction, to whip you into shape so you can follow that direction in a well prepa(red) manner .. But you can use the forms of discipline you’ve learned to push yourself further, people tend to slack and become lazy when someone isn’t on their back. Be on your own back. You know what you need to do, you don’t need someone telling you or pushing you, you are grown (most of us anyway). You have to be on point for yourself, first and foremost.. Shit is real. Don’t sleep on all that you can accomplish and get done if you were just a little bit more strict with yourself, your actions, your thoughts.

You become what you think about.



People don’t change, they evolve.

We are who we’ve always been, who we are at our core will never change. But we can evolve, if we choose.. Kinda like Pokemons and humans according to Darwinism. People tend to shun evolution by labeling it as change and referring to it in a negative context.. But why? Why is this natural process of evolution within people viewed as such a bad thing? If we were meant to stay the same, we would all be newborns… We grow into children, teenagers, adults, elderly for a reason… It’s an evolution of our life on earth… We grow to allow us to better explore and coexist with earth. Why wouldn’t our personalities, our minds reflect this?

I won’t use the word change, rather evolve.. It’s more fitting and a better word to help others with narrower minds comprehend the nature of humans. To change ourselves would mean to re wire ourselves internally and that’s damn near impossible due to the effects of both, nature and nurture. To reverse the inner workings of our being will take a life time. But progressing forward and bettering yourself as an individual isn’t changing, it’s truly evolution. You’re blossoming from who you were into who you are, and who you are will become who you’re meant to be.. And that process doesn’t stop until we’re 6ft under or our ashes scatte(red) across the ocean.

People have this misconception that we should stay the same, staying the same is being true to who we are… But it’s not. Staying the same is hindering, to not allow yourself to grow is to allow yourself to become stagnant and stagnant isn’t good at all. You don’t learn anything new, you don’t experience beautiful and terrible things that push you through your evolutionary phases of life..

Look at nature, the evolution of plants and animals… They grow and adapt to their surroundings and what they grow to be. Humans are no different. The only difference is how our minds work, so if our bodies evolve, our minds must follow suit no?

Imagine a full grown lion behaving like a cub? What would happen to the lion? He would die.. He is not well equipped to lead a pack, he will fall victim to a predator and won’t even see it coming.

Humans tend to forget we’re animals too. Survival of the fittest is indeed still very relevant. Of course circumstances are different, but let’s not be naive.. We’re all in a race for survival. The jungle we live in is more mental than anything so we must evolve accordingly.

Everyone evolves at their own pace, and as humans we have the power to encourage this evolution within ourselves and others, so why do some reject this way of living? Why wouldn’t we want each other to progress? I’ll tell you a few reasons, many are sca(red) of the unknown, many are sca(red) of being left behind while others progress, just plain fear of what they can become… The fear is what holds many back from evolving. Fear tells them where they are, who they are at the moment is enough, despite that inner core telling them there’s more to them, there’s more to life… Those type of people tend to stay put and want others to do the same, so they throw shade and try to inflict shame on those who refuse to fight the urge of personal evolution. Don’t fall victim to these type of people. You’ll only hurt yourself, your progress by allowing these negatives to have a say in your progression.

Understand this: we’re meant to progress, evolve and live… Truly liveeee. For ourselves. Not for our parents, siblings, lovers.. No one but ourselves. That may sound selfish but in living for ourselves and evolving, we are better to those around ourselves, we’re happier people. Progression is positive. Negativity is moving backwards and staying the same. Times are evolving, you don’t want to get left behind… The only one in control of whether you remain the same or evolve into a better you is, you. Only you.

Our time is too limited to not explore all that we can be, all that we can see, hear, feel on this green earth. Evolution is one of life’s most special gift to us.. Get to unwrapping and make shit happen and embrace all you discover within you.