Compressed.

I’m very dense. And heavy.
Dense in the sense where I’m compressed by many different compartments within my body. All squeezed tight in my small 5’4 frame.. I feel I’m 30 feet tall, you can’t tell me I’m not. I feel that big. But I’m physically 5’4 so imagine compressing 30 ft. Into 5 .. I’m not as tense as I used to be, thanks to stretching and exercise .. But I realized how compressed I was and still am.

I realized my tense nature was from compressing myself into a compact size, use restraint to hold it down and hold it in. I dig deeper every time I speak to myself or go searching for answers that will explain more of me to me.. I see all I’m capable of, so I wonder why do I compress myself? I don’t repress who I am, I’m just not that way in public at my entirety. To a certain degree, of course I am, I can’t deny who I am. But to 100% no. Why? I’ve been wondering.. I started reflecting and observing more closely.

My restraint allows me to get a better view a general analysis of a situation or person, which is always helpful. But my restraint has also hinde(red) me in the sense where there have been times I should’ve released my restraint and went to 100% on a person or situation… But I refrained. My compression is so strong at this point I know my next release, will be my last.

Once I let all of me out, I can’t go back… Maybe it’s timing, and my body knows something my mind doesn’t. But I just have this feeling. I’m not an emotional person, no I am. I am emotional but I’m emotionally educated for the most part.. I can identify emotion and separate from logic. I rarely allow my emotions to consume me. But I listen. I take all my emotions into consideration, remove ego and take notes.

I can no longer be compressed, I can’t allow myself to continue this way because overall it’s not benefitting me anymore… The compression has served its purpose. Since a child, I’ve always kept to myself… I’ve been learning myself for so long, I’ve always felt the need to compress me until I figu(red) me out, and how to work with me and not against me.

It feels good that I’m taking this next step on my life journey. People spend their whole lives finding themselves and their niches and I’m 23 and have a pretty good sense of it. Of course with age, wisdom and experience .. I will expand, but I’ll only become greater by the day.. There’s no opportunity for transgressions in my life that I would allow to prosper.

I’ve made a choice and I no longer feel the need to hide. No longer feel the need to disguise myself, I’ve learned everything I need to know for the next step, I’m sure of me on many levels that I feel comfortable taking that next step… My compression was also due to uncomfortableness, not necessarily with myself but more so, other people. Things I’ve seen and heard, always has me cautious. But through my compression I was able to educate myself on humans, this education has been very useful and as I continue to add on to it, I’m now able to do from the other side, the released.

Shit real.. And I’m just rambling.

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Plan B? Back up.

I have no interest in returning to school, I’m technically a college drop out.. But I’ve realized traditional schooling isn’t for me. I know me well enough to know this and to continue to acquire debt for a piece of paper, I don’t really care to acquire is pointless… What about the knowledge Cristina ? The credentials ? I don’t have to be in school to gain knowledge, anything I ever want to learn in depth I can freely do so. God bless the Internet.

Now I say that to say this, I have one conversation consistently with different groups of people who care for me and my future… When they hear of what I want to do (the version of it I give out is vague for security purposes) they always inquire about a back up plan, I guess it’s natural to inquire when the plan seems farfetched.. or I’ll hear of what people really want to do and then immediately after, a back up plan.

What is a back up plan, if it’s not for the purpose of backing up regrouping and re attacking the first plan? Most back up plans are settlements. People have a desi(red) life, but will settle for the life below what was originally desi(red) … Why? I don’t get it.

I get life happens, but that’s no excuse to abort the plan and move on to the next thing.. It’s not nearly as satisfying that’s one. Two, it’s basically saying you can give up as long as you have something else in mind.

I don’t believe in quitters.

I don’t have a plan B, my plan B reroutes back to plan A in the cases where life makes unexpected turns. There are a billion and plus ways to obtain something, you don’t have to go with the ways it has been done before, you can discover new ways to obtain whatever it is you truly desire and only those who can discover (and have in the past) what they desire are those who want it deeply and passionately. They are aware life happens and that’s not anything but a detour, the destination stays the same.

This is your life, you decide what you settle for, and if it’s anything less than what you truly desire.. I feel for you, not that much, but send your soul my condolences.

I feel very strongly about what it is I want from this life, what it is that I’m going to give to this world.. There’s nothing else for me that will give me that feeling of satisfactory like this goal of mine. I don’t have a back up plan, I don’t have a cozy cushion at the ground awaiting my fall, when I fall I want to feel my face hit the pavement so the impact reminds me of how far I went that time. I’m not expecting anything to come easy, I’m aware of how long this journey will take and what it requires on a mental, physical and spiritual level .. Patience, practice and planning is key. I don’t see anything else for me, and I promised myself I would never give up, I rather die before I bury my plans.

If your plan B doesn’t redirect you back to plan A, I’d advise to go back to the drawing board.

Shit real.

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The Master Of Elegance, Oscar de la Renta, Dies at The Age Of 82

A Stairway To Fashion

Legendary designer Oscar de la Renta, the couturier of the first ladies  since Jacqueline Kennedy, and the red carpet king died on Monday, at the age of 82. His death was confirmed by his wife, Anette de la Renta, the cause being complications from a cancer diagnosed back in 2006.

The only realities in life are that you are born, and that you die,” Mr. de la Renta said in “Fashion Talks” series in 2013.  “We always think we are going to live forever. The dying aspect we will never accept. The one thing about having this kind of warning is how you appreciate every single day of life.”

www.astairwaytofashion.com Hillary Rodham Clinton, Anna Wintour And Oscar De La Renta, 2005

And what a life he lived – born in the Dominican Republic, the only son of a large family with seven children, de la…

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Serious.

I’m always playing, everything is one big joke to me. Even when shit is real, which is all the time… I still find it funny.

Why is everything a game to me? Do I think I’m a joke? Even when I’m being serious I’m playing. It’s like I’m a big ass kid. Everything is fun and games.

I’ve said this before, but I feel I must say it again, playtime is over. I go through periods of my life where I’m dead serious, I put the jokes on silence and really take shit seriously.. But periodically isn’t cutting it right now.

I say this with such a calm spirit, I truly get it. I’m no longer conflicted or confused as to why things unfold as they do, nor am I questioning the signs..

They’re clear as day.

It’s time to be serious.

Shit real.

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Selfish season.

I’m entering an extremely selfish phase in my life, and it’s for the betterment of my life. I have to devote every waking moment in my work, which is me. Internally, externally, and my creations. I’m not reaching out to anyone, and I hope many don’t take this personally because they aren’t the reason for this choice. I personally have things that must be done, and if this can be understood, great. If not, not my problem. Technically 2 months left. (3 if you include October) No one other than me can accomplish for me what I need. And for that reason alone, is why I’m “retreating from society”. I’m no good to anyone if I’m not at peace with myself. – string of my tweets from the other day..

With that being said, I know I’m going to ruffle some feathers being that I’m always over extending myself to people around me, now it never appears that I’m over extending myself because I’m really good at concealing that, I’m always there for everyone when and where they need me… But right now, I need me more than anyone else does. I have things that I have to get done and over extending myself is not going to help that.

Now what people will fail to realize, is that this is okay. I’m not changing or becoming distant. I’m just giving my all and then some to me, for the betterment of my growth and progression.. But many are so consumed with their own lives and my role in it that they will take this season of selfishness personally… That’s selfish in itself. It’s not about you, it’s about me. For once in my life, it’s really all about me, if I leave it up to others, it will never be about me, just what I can or can not contribute to them. And that doesn’t bother me.. It’s a natural human reflex, “I come first”, granted. That’s fine. That’s why I put myself first. Naturally I do, but again as I mentioned, my overextension for others often puts me in a bind that only I can pull myself out of because I’m the only one aware.

I’m not upset nor will I allow any negativity towards my season of selfishness to settle within me. I know why I’m doing this.. I know what it’s for.

We all have to do this at one point or another.

I have to fulfill my purpose and I have to be on point on all levels and in this selfish season, I will complete that. Once I’m right on all aspects within myself and everything surrounding myself.. My true blessing, what I’m working for, what I deserve will come to me with such ease.. I’ll be able to embrace it with open arms, a smile and know it’s time. I’m truly ready.

Now this doesn’t mean I’m hiding out in a cave with no form of contact, it’s not that intense, although I do go through short periods where I retreat into my cave but that’s naturally me..

This season of selfishness doesn’t mean I won’t be around, I will but just not as much.. Only for special purposes: Holidays, big events. Etc.

What this season means is, I’m working overtime on me and what I want, at all times.. If that can’t be understood.. Again, that’s not really my problem.

This the season to be selfish, it’s getting colder..

The holidays are approaching. The year is ending… Shit is real.

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October 1st.

It’s the first of the month y’all!

Three months left of 2014.

What will you accomplish? What will you start?

I made my list. And over grind turns into over time.

Key word of the month: Focus.

Let’s focus on something and stick through it to the point of fruition.

If there’s any time to begin or finish, it’s NOW.

Let’s finish out strong.

I’m pushing positivity and progression further and harder than before.

Today I begin a negativity fast and a gratitude feast, feel free to join me and all the others on this progressive journey. Whatever it is that motivates you, let that be the fuel.

Here’s all you need to know:

http://t.co/NaJPgpWFak

Happy October!

May this month, the rest of this year and the rest of your life be filled with positivity and prosperity. 🙂

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