I’m very dense. And heavy.
Dense in the sense where I’m compressed by many different compartments within my body. All squeezed tight in my small 5’4 frame.. I feel I’m 30 feet tall, you can’t tell me I’m not. I feel that big. But I’m physically 5’4 so imagine compressing 30 ft. Into 5 .. I’m not as tense as I used to be, thanks to stretching and exercise .. But I realized how compressed I was and still am.
I realized my tense nature was from compressing myself into a compact size, use restraint to hold it down and hold it in. I dig deeper every time I speak to myself or go searching for answers that will explain more of me to me.. I see all I’m capable of, so I wonder why do I compress myself? I don’t repress who I am, I’m just not that way in public at my entirety. To a certain degree, of course I am, I can’t deny who I am. But to 100% no. Why? I’ve been wondering.. I started reflecting and observing more closely.
My restraint allows me to get a better view a general analysis of a situation or person, which is always helpful. But my restraint has also hinde(red) me in the sense where there have been times I should’ve released my restraint and went to 100% on a person or situation… But I refrained. My compression is so strong at this point I know my next release, will be my last.
Once I let all of me out, I can’t go back… Maybe it’s timing, and my body knows something my mind doesn’t. But I just have this feeling. I’m not an emotional person, no I am. I am emotional but I’m emotionally educated for the most part.. I can identify emotion and separate from logic. I rarely allow my emotions to consume me. But I listen. I take all my emotions into consideration, remove ego and take notes.
I can no longer be compressed, I can’t allow myself to continue this way because overall it’s not benefitting me anymore… The compression has served its purpose. Since a child, I’ve always kept to myself… I’ve been learning myself for so long, I’ve always felt the need to compress me until I figu(red) me out, and how to work with me and not against me.
It feels good that I’m taking this next step on my life journey. People spend their whole lives finding themselves and their niches and I’m 23 and have a pretty good sense of it. Of course with age, wisdom and experience .. I will expand, but I’ll only become greater by the day.. There’s no opportunity for transgressions in my life that I would allow to prosper.
I’ve made a choice and I no longer feel the need to hide. No longer feel the need to disguise myself, I’ve learned everything I need to know for the next step, I’m sure of me on many levels that I feel comfortable taking that next step… My compression was also due to uncomfortableness, not necessarily with myself but more so, other people. Things I’ve seen and heard, always has me cautious. But through my compression I was able to educate myself on humans, this education has been very useful and as I continue to add on to it, I’m now able to do from the other side, the released.
Shit real.. And I’m just rambling.