Structure. 

The month of July is over..

4th quarter is here. 2016 countdown starts now. 

I think about structure and how that in itself is structu(red) and how society and our surroundings/influences create the outlines on how our structure should be built, and sustained…. If we allow that. 

Now, I say that to say this, all my life I’ve been looking for a structure that fits me, a structure that can sustain my ever growing foundation and allow me to grow and prosper as I am meant to do. But the problem with that is, I’m already complex, and a lot of social structures (the forms of it we are exposed to anyway) are one sided, one dimensional (ironically contradicting the definition of structure but I digress).. And that’s not going to EVER work for me. For I am not one sided. Never have never will. Now that I see that clear as day, I move on to think of the ideal structure for me, using multiple aspects of several structures I already explo(red)/studied to create that.

What amazes me most about my mind, is that if I can’t find it, I will search for ways to create it. You can’t tell me something doesn’t exist, no matter how true it may be at that moment; it’s only a matter of time, thought, and execution to make it a reality. 

It’s a long journey I’m on and to save me from insanity and stagnancy I have to switch it up, I feel like consistently altering back and forth in many different ways that still prove to be very efficient is perfect for me. I get bo(red) doing the same thing over and over which in turn decreases the level of energy I put into it. But as long as the end result is at 100 how I go about it doesn’t have to be the same all the way through. All that matter is the level of effort and work put into it remains the same. No matter what that is.

I’m getting close! Goddamn it I’m almost there! It’s such a good feeling. I’m pushing through and as these next 4 months are my witnesses, I’ll reveal more. 

I just want to get it right for me. 

In getting it right I can do more, say more, help more. And that’s all I ever want. 

24 for 24. 

I’m 24 years old, with 24 hours in a day to make mine as I wish it to be. 

You have the same 24 hours, the same 4 months before this year is up. 

Instead of thinking of all you can’t do, all the time you don’t have.. Look at these next few months at all you can do, all the time you have on your hands. And play with the structure of your life, break your months down and set your goals and go for it. Really go for it!

I mean you have nothing to lose. 

Worse case scenario: you’re one step closer to realizing your goals. 

Best case scenario: your goals are now reality. 
Shit real. 

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Venting from the pent house.

I do not live in a pent house yet, but I have the mentality. 

Before I can get to work, I must say this:

Shit is real. 
I think I can do everything myself, I still do not know how to ask for help when I need it most. 

I shut off, I close shop.. I isolate myself. 

I feel a bit overwhelmed, lost, and reaching the breaking point to something new. I can feel that. 

I feel all over the place. 

My focus has multi focus and that’s cool but I still allow minuscule things to distract me, why? I’m searching for that now. I’m digging to see why I allow things to keep my mind off of what I need to be on top of, it’s a daily struggle. 

My energy levels are unbalanced, I need to get that in order. It’s fucking with my spirit. 

I yearn for something that I won’t speak of because I am the reason I don’t have it. 

I am still mending myself from the damages I self inflicted. 

I have to remind myself I need people. Despite my need to be self efficient, I know the type of people I need around me. I don’t have that quite yet. (No offense to those around me)

Patience is helpful but persistence seals the deal. 

I have to stop fighting myself. 

I have to make sure I organize myself well enough to express all I need to express as I need to. 

I still refrain when I shouldn’t. 

I deal with so much because I can’t truly get it out so I keep it all in. 

My heart is heavy. 

Even now it’s like I can’t even get it all out, I’m still assessing everything thrown my way. 

I’m aware of the signs though. 

The air is shifting which is allowing me to vent now, for later sense will be made and questions answe(red). 

The reality of it is, I have a lot to do. 

Shit just get realer. 

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Care. 

If you want a great insight trip, get in your zone and reflect on how you take care of your things… How much do you truly value your possessions? What do your possessions say about you? Over time what conditions are your possessions in? Are they still like brand new? Worn in? Dusty? Polished? Do you even care? Did you even notice? 

Now depending on which possession you’re thinking of, it will reveal several things. Like clothes would be one possession, gadgets another, accessories, games, and so on. Their value will vary but it still says a lot. 

How you value what you choose to posess and in the way you treat these things say how you are currently for the most part, this treatment no matter what it may be (neglect, avoidance, smothering, attentive, caring), is important to keep note of. For as you grow, that may change, and if it hasn’t changed.. Well you would be aware of that as well. And in those cases, where things haven’t changed, if the answer to the why isn’t somewhere along the lines of, ‘I’m happy with this’ then the conflict felt will evoke some answer searching… Unless you want to keep avoiding it, in that case, you’re a prisoner. But that’s neither here nor there.. 

Care. Caring. I reflect on how I choose to care, the way I care, and how can I express this better. 

See I want to be better. That’s a constant thought. A constant vision. Better in every way. I am human so I am flawed. That is inevitable. But what’s also inevitable is my desire to become the best human I can be, and to fulfill that.

So I think about the things I care about, or say I care about… I also think of what I don’t care about and how many of the things I don’t care for, people tend to be bothe(red) that I don’t care. Which is weird in itself.

I care more than I let on… but if you go by my actions it would appear I don’t. So in learning this, as I continuously step outside myself to reflect on who I am and what’s going on in the moment I’m choosing to reflect on… I noticed something. How I treat things and people during these times are noted subconsciously.. So in retrospect it’s clearer what these actions mean. 

I tend to act and then think, some may say that’s impulsive but I feel it’s more knowing myself.. I don’t like to fight how I feel… I’m just not always going to explain why I felt like doing something, not because shame or people knowing my reason.. If I did it, I wanted to and it’s never your business if I don’t care to make it so. That’s truly that simple. Sometimes, I haven’t assessed it throughly enough to speak on reasoning. But there is always a reason. 

What I just took my most recent reflection is that I have to first determine how much energy I have as a whole, I must find some way to measure it, to find this out allows me to determine how much energy is going into what, I feel how I treat certain things/people is a result of my energy level at our point of interaction. 

I am mentally drained often, but I have a lot of energy.. A lot of things require so much energy from me and I can feel it. Some times I don’t want to deal with some people because of the level of energy they require from me, and it’s not that I don’t want to be around them and they’re negatively draining me, no that’s rarely the case. 

….It’s just I have to mindful of how I’m spending my energy. 

I am very heavy with care and this passion of mine, I noticed this: 

  1. It takes a lot of energy to contain it on a daily basis, which in turn drains me and my care for other things are not so high in comparison to how much I truly care. 
  2. I must create more ways to eliminate the things that take the most energy but doesn’t give back the best return. (Draining)
  3. I have to be more conscious of how I choose to take care of my things.
  4. More mindful of how I express my care for others.
  5. How this all starts today. 

Energy can be recycled, but if it’s drained it’s just like time… Tomorrow you can try again. 

I aim to make the most of my 24hours, and of my energy (amount to be determined) and act accordingly. 

How you care does take energy, do you have enough left over after you attend to yourself? Do you even care enough to prioritize this, taking care of yourself first and foremost, to be better equipped to care for others and your possessions? 

It’s definitely something to think about, if you care. 

Shit real. 

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Visuals part 6

idk if I’m finding myself, but I feel I’m losing it… I exhale deeply. 

“Losing it how?” 

Losing control I guess, there’s so much happening I’m scrambling trying to piece everything together, the signs, my life, everything. 

— I came to see her, of course I needed clarity, but I also missed her. I’ve been feeling so many things lately, I just don’t want to lose my mind as I ‘let go and let flow’ as she likes to say. 

“You have to, keep calm, as you love to say..” I laugh “no seriously, we spoke about the anxiety but I don’t think that’s what this is… You don’t sound worried, what is it really?”

I think it’s becoming too clear, my visions are stronger.. I’m not worried, you are right, I have little to no worries. Even the small worries are short lived. I just don’t know how equipped I am, I surprise myself and that makes me a bit intimidated, I suppose.. 

“What’s intimidating? Your potential?”  YES! It’s like I’m getting wiser and more headstrong. The premonitions are toooo on point. I feel more these days.. It intimidates me because I’m young, I don’t know what my full potential is, it’s ever growing to the point i can’t see that far ahead, but it’s like, I can see everything  else…

We sit in silence for a few… I think she zoned out, the sound of me flicking the lighter, the blunt went out, brought her back to reality. 

“It’ll all make sense as long as you keep moving and trusting what you already know… You know yourself. But you must not think you can know all you’ll be when you’re not there yet to see it. You are ever growing. Know that. Don’t forget, not for a split second… You not knowing what you’re fully capable of isn’t necessarily a bad thing, you may box yourself in based off potential.. Yes it’s scary knowing where you are now falls short to who you’re going to be, what you’ll grow into but even then, it’s part of the process. To be you then, you have to be you NOW” 

I soak in everything she said, my heart hurts… I feel it about to burst, I feel like the cocoon shedding its last layer.. Maybe. I look at her: you’re right. I just reflect on the last few years and the growth is amazing yet, I don’t feel I’ve gone far enough, all at the same time. The year is almost half way through and goddamn shit is real. 

“Ride it out … I know you are but I mean in the sense of being comfortable with the uncomfortableness of not knowing and learning what you’re becoming. You’re absolutely right. You have no clue to what you’re gonna be.. You know what you want though, you know where you want to go… You just don’t know how it’s going to shape you. But from what you do know, just know the molding will be for the better.. Look at all you aspire and will do. Shit is real. 

— it’s crazy, her words are so reassuring but as she speaks it’s like I knew already, it’s like her words unlock this chamber of secrets that aren’t so much secret, I just hide that from myself. Idk why. 

Maybe my little sister was right, maybe it’s not meant for me to see what I am or will be as much as it matters to see what I do which in essence makes me who I am but the actions mean more than what I appear to be. 

“I agree, the eye can sometimes be deceiving, especially when we search for self validation. But there no denying what you do. Ever. You can feel you’re this type of person, or you’ll be this way by this time; but the reality always boils down to what you do. How you choose to conduct yourself in times of uncertainty, times of conflict and clarity. That says more about your potential and who you’ll become than anything you can foresee.”

Shit. That makes so much sense… 

— This wave of relief I wanna say or maybe it was the weed calming me down.. Strain is hitting. We sit in a peaceful silence. It’s making sense, I feel I confuse myself just to force myself to find answers for reassurance, maybe to remind myself of the path I’m truly on, maybe it’s just an excuse to come see her… Knowing me, it’s a combo of all three. We chop it up on what’s new with us both, she makes a snack while we drink lemonade and it feels good to be around someone who gets it. She has the gift to make you feel comfortable even if you’re uncomfortable.. She’s truly a blessing. I wanna get her something nice, something to show my appreciation. 

Isn’t your birthday coming up ??

For previous VISUALS post. 

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Julyyy

nothing but a truth teller! 

7th month of the year. 

What’s going on? Are you on the right track? If you strayed, did you get what you need to get back on the road to your dreams?

December is right there. 

Time is flying.

There’s so much that needs to be done, so much in the works. 

Always remember to work on yourself, your health is your wealth. 
Practice, practice, practice. 

Word of the month: consistency

Let’s get this work. Let’s flex one time and make sure our mind, body and soul is aligned. 
It’s time yall. 
Happy summer. 

Shit real but yall know that. 

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