“I FOUND IT!” bursting through the door, and halting dead in my tracks..
I finally found it.
She stares up from her book, and smiles, – well, right on time… what did you find?
“I found whats wrong, in me that wasn’t allowing me to commit… in all aspects of life.”
now this caught her attention I saw her ears perk up, its been some time, yet again, since I’ve come to see her.. no surprise to her, I put the consistent in, ‘inconsistent’ when it comes to sticking to things.. ‘always one to walk away aren’t you?’ she was never a liar or one to sugar coat, which is one of the main reasons, like a stray I always find my way back,..since I’m here now.. lets dig.
she begins to roll up, which is my cue to start breaking shit down.. “are you interested or committed?, do you know the difference?…. – Yes. “see, I’ve never thought of the difference until I heard that. It blew my mind… all this time I’ve been interested, not committed.. obvious when I self reflect in that mindset.”
– how is this discovery changing you? *lights blunt*
“I can spot easily in others when they are interested, and not committed, although I’ve never worded it that way, I could always tell. But I assumed all my interests were a commitment, and they weren’t. Just because I am not easily intrigued, which is another thing… interest or intrigue, commitment makes the difference. I am interested in many things, but intrigued by few… that applies to all aspects in my life, I can’t turn a corner without the reminder in my face, and I cant help but think, was I avoiding it all before? how did I not notice, I notice everything else.” noticing her motion to pass the blunt as well, I exhaled as I caught my breath with rapid wind.. dragging a deep pull to help unwind even further as she begins to wind me up …
– Bravo! I was waiting for that.. Didn’t take as long as I thought it would, you must be living a little more now huh? (I nod and laugh, exhaling blue dream clouds)… she continues, what many fail to realize is that commitment goes deeper than relationships and responsibilities, we have a commitment to ourselves, our desires, thoughts, etc… we are not as committed as we should be. We are not taught that directly.We are taught to put the commitments we have for others and our lifestyle which interlocks with others before our own inner responsibilities. which in turn is how shift blaming is even a reality.
“YES! this is where I cracked, I’m all for self accountability, so when I caught myself blaming others, dug deeper and discove(red) that it wasn’t the people I was blaming, my choices are fully mine. It was my commitment to them that was the driving force behind my choices that upset me. my commitments were in the wrong places, I felt obligated to things and people I have no real intrigue for… interest is not enough. I can see it now, I always felt, just never knew how to express it until now. its so liberating..”
– I’m so proud of you, and excited to see where you take this insight.. I must say, your growth is impressive, but remember to remind yourself, take it easy.. you learn everything as you are suppose to learn it. Don’t doubt the lessons, don’t doubt your knowledge. most importantly don’t doubt the vibes that lead you to it all, for your vibes are from your core, and you should NEVER doubt that.
I thank her for those words of encouragement, we proceed to get even higher and discuss more in depth whats been going on since our last session.. She must have missed me, she pointed out how this was the longest I’ve been away.. and opened up to me about her marriage. [I didn’t even know she was married] how she once had problems committing, for her interests never fooled her, she claims this is what we both have in common ‘alert little spirits we are’ .. Her and her husband had a relationship that truly make Carrie & Big’s relationship look like a fairy tale, shit she left him at the alter.. shit is real. married 23 years in a few months.. damn.
“when did you know, for good?” – I always knew, I knew from the moment I saw him, he was worth it.. It just took me some time to become worth it for him… and by that I mean, being someone that he can completely grow with, be 100% committed to him, and vice versa. You learn though, commitment is a two way street, give and take, that’s what strengthens it. Solidifies it even. He was worth the risks, the scares of opening up and all the rain that made our sun shine so bright in paradise.. in essence, looking back, we were meant for each other all along, I never had to change a thing, maturity revealed we were what was best. There’s no way you can’t commit to that… Keeping in mind, things take time, time reveals all. All I ask of you, don’t fight what you feel inside, I know you recently made choices as you’ve mentioned, to cut the negative commitments from your life, and for that I applaud you.. now go commit to something real. something you can call your own.
As we toasted to the pep talk of the century, to me atleast. I soaked in all the vibes I felt from our talk and washed it down with some champagne, she felt this was indeed a celebration… anytime her patients cut the shackles she treats it like the highest achievement possible, and I suppose it is, to be free, to find and attain the power to rid yourself of anything or one that weighs you down.. even if it means getting rid of things you consider to make you, you. your aim should be to be the best you possible, no?
Shit real, that was another meeting, and I decided that would be one of my new commitments.