I’ve been counting, counting up the time left.. Counting down all the time that has passed.. I’ve been counting on people, when I really shouldn’t (not bc of the person, but bc of what it is I was counting on them for..) I’ve been counting up the signs… But I feel my math is off, I’ve never been too good with that .. I think I’ve been adding and subtracting when I should be multiplying and dividing.. I have all the correct variables.. But the answers from my mental equations aren’t adding up to what it should be…. So, what am I doing wrong?
Ultimately I blame myself for everything, whether it was directly my fault or not, it’s still falling on me .. If indirectly, I allowed it, if directly I created it.
I have to be honest with myself… At all times.
I’ve been catching the signs and they are bright and clear as a beautiful spring day… With a fresh breeze, providing clarity to my clouded mind: I have to switch it up…
I’m very stubborn. This is a problem. I’m working on it, so I’m not worried, but I’m focused on minimizing this as quickly as possible. I don’t want to be so stuck in my ways that I can’t see that the way I choose to do things doesn’t work for everything. I have to tailor everything to fit each task as it is… Not as I see it should be, not as I want it to be when I know it’s not like that… Of course, I can alter tasks once I conquer them but I have to treat them like a great teacher does her students; everyone gets specialized attention and customized for the individual.
This is a challenge on its own, but I’m up for it… I’m very flawed, I’m the furthest thing from perfect like everyone I know (Thank you, Drake.. Thank you) my view of perfection is just owning and slaying everything that crosses my path in a positive and beneficial manner.
I realize my setbacks and I realized before that, that this will be one hell of a challenge battling them all… I just have to take it one challenge at a time, zoning in and intensifying my focus.
I’m transforming my weaknesses into strengths… Strengths into superpowers. One step at a time.
I feel detached, I feel alone, not lonely… But alone. I don’t feel I can talk to anyone freely, I can’t express myself how I want bc the little I do express, I’m not understood.. (Maybe my vagueness is a factor) It’s not that the people around can’t grasp what it is I’m feeling, it’s just they don’t see what I see, how I see it… Very few can see what’s not there, many have different desires from mine, different interests… Our concerns do not match up, so sure I can spill my soul to my loved ones and they’ll try to empathize .. But it’s not to the core, so it’s no good for me, sure I have ears I can speak to that I know will listen, but there’s no relation.. I don’t want to vent, I want answers… Answers I can only find within myself.
And that’s one of the biggest reasons why I write, (I keep a journal for the more personal private thoughts) I share these thoughts on this blog bc in speaking to you, the reader, I’m speaking to myself.. And if you can relate to the core, the way certain blogs posts touch me to my core, and spark up thoughts that becomes answers to questions I felt but never formed the correct way to ask.. Then I’m helping, and that’s all I want. To help. Helping myself to help others.. A chain reaction.
As the new year approaches and the current year comes to an end.. Now is the best time to reflect in retrospect.. Internally, externally, surroundings.. We must remind ourselves of our purpose, in detail… We must remind ourselves who we are, even if we aren’t them yet.. The design we’ve been molding is shaping, be aware of that.. Remind ourselves of how far we’ve come and how much farther we have to go, and to fight any negativity with positivity. That’s the only way to prosper in longevity.
I’m not counting anymore… I’m just going to tally it up when it’s all said and done, I have a lot of work to do… Time is a factor, but I’m not counting it anymore. I’m just doing what I need to do, to get shit done.
I have to give every new approach my all… This is all I have left.