The prelude: Baby Blues

I sent over an article on the topic of PPD and Baby blues to my editor at Wellvyl and I’ve been thinking about my experience with baby blues.

I’m heading towards my fifth trimester (2nd phase of postpartum). It’s rarely really spoken how we as women have to readjust to society and life, as a new mother as our body reverts back to its form post baby. This time last year I was already pregnant and didn’t know (I would find out a few weeks later at a routine check up). This last year has been spent nurturing and bringing my daughter to life. The adjustment is real, I’m living through it. I don’t know how other creatives felt after birth, during pregnancy especially. I think there’s something to be spoken of in regards to that.

My first baby is LustyinLavender. Everything I’ve created under that has felt like birth in a metaphorical sense. My poetry brand has pushed me to new heights and life I’m eternally grateful for. Being pregnant for me, sparked a need to focus mostly on creating a safe and healthy space for my baby to be in, while I was pregnant and once born. The shift of my craft taking the back seat when it was a passenger for the last 6 years (2012 LustyinLavender was born) took a toll on me in my fourth trimester. I had to reassess a lot of internal conflicts between this new life I’m creating with my child, myself as a mother, most importantly as an evolving woman (I speak of this in my article, once posted I’ll follow up with link).

As a creator standing still is torturous, I feel I must be creating at all times, not just for my child but for me as well. A concern I have is not giving myself the same energy I’m so eager and willing to give my child. Her birth, her being, sparked a desire in me I never even knew one could have, I certainly didn’t have that prior for my brand, let alone self. That’s a hard pill to swallow.

I washed it down with water, a lot of water.

I realized how much deeper the untapped energy, potential and resources I possess now as Luna’s mother. It’s mind-boggling. This is beautiful and terrifying to know that I have so much more than I already felt I could give. I’ve spoken of my theory and experience of reaching 100% for some time, if you’ve been following me from saintandtheSinner days you know well. I stare at my child and and see what my half created, amazing, how she inspires me to give her my all. I want that same energy.

Keeping it all the way real, I was playing too much with my life, I wasn’t committed to anything 100% let alone anyone…. starting and ending with me. I would literally half ass it. It’s gotten me great results, why would I exert more energy if I’m not inspi(red) to? I want phenomenal now. I am committed to taking myself as seriously as I deserve and give every thing/one 100% for my highest good. My child has inspi(red) me in such a way that the baby blues hit me hard, and her spirit and pure gaze kept me from falling victim to PPD. The realization of what’s going on, the inability to express to others exactly what’s happening within you as your body undergoes yet another shift, emotionally, mentally, spiritually AND physically. I see why mothers are made out to be superwoman. We are. 4 shifts simultaneously over the span of a years time, conception, the pregnancy, after birth, living the adjustment.

Time is warped something vicious.. for self development it’s vital. I believe there’s so many time zones within our minds, I can’t… that’s another topic. Another day. The days fly by and stretch in retrospect. There’s a synchronization being formed for parent and child on a daily basis that oddly reflects the subtle cues during the pregnancy. Anyway, I can see now that I’m on the other side, shit is wild real. This is early and I’m feeling all of this… this is for a lifetime! This is dope, I have more excitement than fear. I am not worried about how I will care for my child, it’s really lit for her. She could not have picked a better mother and when I look deep into her beautiful eyes, she confirms it. The grin she gets from me seals it into my soul every trip. It’s very comforting and exciting. I was chosen.

I can’t forget about me.

With the blessing my baby is, it’s easy to do it. I can’t get lost in her. Yeah ima few months in the game of parenthood, but as I mentioned, time flies. Next thing I know, she’s off to school, asking me questions about life and wanting a shoulder to cry on. I care for me with the same energy I care for her, I will be the best person for us both. That’s important to me. Keeping the balance, living freely and fulfilled for my peace of mind. It’s easy to lose it.

It’s so easy to lose it, when you start slipping, you attack yourself (me to me). Being hard on myself I knew no limit.. I never stop studying myself, and this new level I’m experiencing has its overwhelming moments. I understand perfect is pointless, we are human, I swear I KNOW that… yet because I am human, it’s like fuck it. Ima try anyway. Can’t blame me for trying, I want what I want.

We always get what we want, just never how we expect to receive it….. because we never expect it, we try to control factors involved and ignore the fact, we got what we wanted. Humans, pathetic we are. *half joke* I want everything, and this new shift has adjusted my perception of what everything means to me. This new perspective has opened up my eyes after squeezing them shut during the shift waves, allowing me to see life in a new way, like my daughter when she looks at me like it’s a new day.. shit is real.

I feel really good in this moment, I am coasting, the lows served the purpose and as I now elevate through to my fifth trimester I can happily say I’m learning the balance of my two babies, my crafts and my child. Allowing both to continue maturing and evolving me as I continue to pour everything I have within to both equally and accordingly for as long as I live. Enjoying my life 100%, growing through every phase, knowing when to charge up and when to just rest.

It’s a journey I am overall proud to be on. Skin has been shed.

I will soon introduce to the world the evolved me, this is just the prelude. Keep calm.

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Shit real.

Do you feel the changes?

Can you feel the shift beneath your feet?

Are you panicking at this unknown burst of emotion that you feel the need to tie to negative thoughts?

Shit is so real…. and this is great!!

So much is happening, for the better as always… how long will it take you to see it? I know you gotta feeeeel it.

You know what’s really good? When you catch yourself moving differently in seeming similar situations. Choosing the better and more progressive options. When you realize how much you’re growing and how AMAZING this feeling is. So fucking amazing just knowing all the reasons why you can’t explain it is more than enough.

You FEEEEEL it.

You don’t gotta explain shit to nobody, especially the numb. It’s like talking to a brick wall.

For the first time in a long time, you feeeel it so deeply you don’t even doubt it.

You know.

Shit real.

Flowing towards your desires, satisfied NOT patient with the process, enjoying and learning from the progress and everything becomes perfect all of a sudden.

Coinwinky dink? I think not.

Always at the right time, I’m reminded I can do no wrong.

Everything is everything.

I have more than I need to continuously reach/ sustain my goals and on a daily it amazes me at how much gets done with focus and clear intentions.

Honesty will forever remain the BEST policy.

You will ALWAYS get what you want. Be clear on what that is, and don’t contradict it. You don’t need to. Trust that.

Few things I wanna share, I’ll just meditate for now.

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Plan A. 

A = A lot of mini plans, to one blue print. 

I’ve been wanting to speak on this as much as I’ve been wanting to speak on vulnerability… couldn’t settle on one, maybe it is one. Maybe, being vulnerable is the ultimate goal in all our masterplans.. I’ve been absorbing, as I observe my plans continuously in action even when I stand still.  Amazing. I’m fucking in awe, and alert. There is no coincidence. Shit is real. 

Peep game. 

Vulnerability has a nasty stigma to it, it makes me cringe… I’m getting out of it so I will be using it more often, in an open sense. See being open gets you far…. you see opportunities beyond your guarded ways, you are open to giving, as much if not more than you are receiving. You are uplifted with the winds of wealth on many scales….. if you are well equipped mentally. Mind over matter. 

In our society, weak is correlated to vulnerability… although definition states you’re more open to harm, NOT weakened by it. Nobody wants to be tooo open. It’s way too risky, people are fearful of even appearing vulnerable, let alone allowing themselves the ability to see how beneficial being vulnerable can be. You grow when you are open, regardless of risk.. you train well enough for anything you can take some pain. 

How focused are you? 

Do you train your mind, body and soul the way dedicated athletes, dancers and philosophers do? 

Plan A is a folder with every other plan you can think of. 

You want one thing. 

You know what that is. 

You work towards it everyday, every waking moment you think of it, every thing and one you love seems to bring you back to this ONE  THOUGHT, and somehow you feel you’re not there yet? You’re not where??? You’re right here! This is it! Don’t you get it?? Shit is for real. The picture on the box isn’t assembled inside, put the pieces together accordingly.. you know what fits, don’t fear being open enough to grasp that. You are in it. Every step is adding to your journey, getting you closer… be satisfied with it, just don’t confuse with it stagnancy. You know the end goal. If no one else knows, YOU do. 
You don’t need back up plans in the event of, nah fuck that.. there is no just in case, or you never know. No you do know. You know what you want… stick to that, plan A. You owe yourself that much, shit we all do. That’s why we need reminders. 

Stay focused. 

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Wise GEMS from an OG.

This is repost from saint&sinner blog.. I grouped together some of Epictetus’s quotes into this passage…

How long are you going to wait before you demand the best for yourself and in no instance bypass the discriminations of reason?

You have been given the principles that you ought to endorse, and you have endorsed them.

What kind of teacher, then, are you still waiting for in order to refer your self-improvement to him?

You are no longer a boy, but a full-grown man. If you are careless and lazy now and keep putting things off and always deferring the day after which you will attend to yourself, you will not notice that you are making no progress, but you will live and die as someone quite ordinary.

From now on, then, resolve to live as a grown-up who is making progress, and make whatever you think best a law that you never set aside.

And whenever you encounter anything that is difficult or pleasurable, or highly or lowly regarded, remember that the contest is now: you are at the Olympic Games, you cannot wait any longer, and that your progress is wrecked or preserved by a single day and a single event.

That is how Socrates fulfilled himself by attending to nothing except reason in everything he encounte(red). And you, although you are not yet a Socrates, should live as someone who at least wants to be a Socrates.

Practice then from the start to say to every harsh impression,

“You are an impression, and not at all the thing you appear to be.”

Then examine it and test it by these rules you have, and firstly, and chiefly, by this: whether the impression has to do with the things that are up to us, or those that are not; and if it has to do with the things that are not up to us, be ready to reply,
“It is nothing to me.”

We will not be troubled at any loss, but will say to ourselves on such an occasion:
“I have lost nothing that belongs to me; it was not something of mine that was torn from me, but something that was not in my power has left me.”

Nothing beyond the use of our opinion is properly ours. Every possession rests on opinion. What is to cry and to weep? An opinion. What is misfortune, or a quarrel, or a complaint? All these things are opinions; opinions founded on the delusion that what is not subject to our own choice can be either good or evil, which it cannot.

By rejecting these opinions, and seeking good and evil in the power of choice alone, we may confidently achieve peace of mind in every condition of life.

Circumstances don’t make the man, they only reveal him to himself.

Shit real.

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Positive thoughts. GEM.

It’s very easy to drown in the shallow depths of negativity, but positivity is the flotation device that keeps you afloat, positivity is what keeps you pushing, kicking, swimming towards the yacht of your dream life and further away from the life boat you crashed…

Two years ago around this time, I hit what I felt was rock bottom and as I gathe(red) up every ounce of positivity left in me as I was being mobbed by negative thoughts, I started writing, I needed to remind myself, feel what and who I am. Positive thoughts was born.

whenever I get the vibe that someone is going through it, I don’t ask questions I would just send my prayer (started as a note, became my mantra.) and I’ve been told it helps, a lot. In fact, a close friend of mine felt it soo much he decided to put it in his mixtape, which was an honor for me to do. To read those words, to hear those words.. Still hits me as hard as it does when I first read it with my salty eye vision.

Only right I share this gem with you, during gem month. Feel free to share with anyone who you know could use a pick me up, or those that just need the fuel to keep going.

Shit real.

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