The prelude: Baby Blues

I sent over an article on the topic of PPD and Baby blues to my editor at Wellvyl and I’ve been thinking about my experience with baby blues.

I’m heading towards my fifth trimester (2nd phase of postpartum). It’s rarely really spoken how we as women have to readjust to society and life, as a new mother as our body reverts back to its form post baby. This time last year I was already pregnant and didn’t know (I would find out a few weeks later at a routine check up). This last year has been spent nurturing and bringing my daughter to life. The adjustment is real, I’m living through it. I don’t know how other creatives felt after birth, during pregnancy especially. I think there’s something to be spoken of in regards to that.

My first baby is LustyinLavender. Everything I’ve created under that has felt like birth in a metaphorical sense. My poetry brand has pushed me to new heights and life I’m eternally grateful for. Being pregnant for me, sparked a need to focus mostly on creating a safe and healthy space for my baby to be in, while I was pregnant and once born. The shift of my craft taking the back seat when it was a passenger for the last 6 years (2012 LustyinLavender was born) took a toll on me in my fourth trimester. I had to reassess a lot of internal conflicts between this new life I’m creating with my child, myself as a mother, most importantly as an evolving woman (I speak of this in my article, once posted I’ll follow up with link).

As a creator standing still is torturous, I feel I must be creating at all times, not just for my child but for me as well. A concern I have is not giving myself the same energy I’m so eager and willing to give my child. Her birth, her being, sparked a desire in me I never even knew one could have, I certainly didn’t have that prior for my brand, let alone self. That’s a hard pill to swallow.

I washed it down with water, a lot of water.

I realized how much deeper the untapped energy, potential and resources I possess now as Luna’s mother. It’s mind-boggling. This is beautiful and terrifying to know that I have so much more than I already felt I could give. I’ve spoken of my theory and experience of reaching 100% for some time, if you’ve been following me from saintandtheSinner days you know well. I stare at my child and and see what my half created, amazing, how she inspires me to give her my all. I want that same energy.

Keeping it all the way real, I was playing too much with my life, I wasn’t committed to anything 100% let alone anyone…. starting and ending with me. I would literally half ass it. It’s gotten me great results, why would I exert more energy if I’m not inspi(red) to? I want phenomenal now. I am committed to taking myself as seriously as I deserve and give every thing/one 100% for my highest good. My child has inspi(red) me in such a way that the baby blues hit me hard, and her spirit and pure gaze kept me from falling victim to PPD. The realization of what’s going on, the inability to express to others exactly what’s happening within you as your body undergoes yet another shift, emotionally, mentally, spiritually AND physically. I see why mothers are made out to be superwoman. We are. 4 shifts simultaneously over the span of a years time, conception, the pregnancy, after birth, living the adjustment.

Time is warped something vicious.. for self development it’s vital. I believe there’s so many time zones within our minds, I can’t… that’s another topic. Another day. The days fly by and stretch in retrospect. There’s a synchronization being formed for parent and child on a daily basis that oddly reflects the subtle cues during the pregnancy. Anyway, I can see now that I’m on the other side, shit is wild real. This is early and I’m feeling all of this… this is for a lifetime! This is dope, I have more excitement than fear. I am not worried about how I will care for my child, it’s really lit for her. She could not have picked a better mother and when I look deep into her beautiful eyes, she confirms it. The grin she gets from me seals it into my soul every trip. It’s very comforting and exciting. I was chosen.

I can’t forget about me.

With the blessing my baby is, it’s easy to do it. I can’t get lost in her. Yeah ima few months in the game of parenthood, but as I mentioned, time flies. Next thing I know, she’s off to school, asking me questions about life and wanting a shoulder to cry on. I care for me with the same energy I care for her, I will be the best person for us both. That’s important to me. Keeping the balance, living freely and fulfilled for my peace of mind. It’s easy to lose it.

It’s so easy to lose it, when you start slipping, you attack yourself (me to me). Being hard on myself I knew no limit.. I never stop studying myself, and this new level I’m experiencing has its overwhelming moments. I understand perfect is pointless, we are human, I swear I KNOW that… yet because I am human, it’s like fuck it. Ima try anyway. Can’t blame me for trying, I want what I want.

We always get what we want, just never how we expect to receive it….. because we never expect it, we try to control factors involved and ignore the fact, we got what we wanted. Humans, pathetic we are. *half joke* I want everything, and this new shift has adjusted my perception of what everything means to me. This new perspective has opened up my eyes after squeezing them shut during the shift waves, allowing me to see life in a new way, like my daughter when she looks at me like it’s a new day.. shit is real.

I feel really good in this moment, I am coasting, the lows served the purpose and as I now elevate through to my fifth trimester I can happily say I’m learning the balance of my two babies, my crafts and my child. Allowing both to continue maturing and evolving me as I continue to pour everything I have within to both equally and accordingly for as long as I live. Enjoying my life 100%, growing through every phase, knowing when to charge up and when to just rest.

It’s a journey I am overall proud to be on. Skin has been shed.

I will soon introduce to the world the evolved me, this is just the prelude. Keep calm.

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My first 30 days as a parent.

Day 48… I think, maybe it’s day 50. Eh you get it.

My whole life has changeddd, since you came in…” (ginuwine voice)

The reality of parenting is slowly sinking in. Shit is realer than its ever been. I’m so obsessed and in love with this beautiful alert baby girl. I’m learning and adjusting and so far this is awesome. My baby is perfect for me, she’s making this transition so easy and fun (as fun as a newborn can be). And of course, I’ve been in deep thought.

I’m absorbing and observing this experience while flooding my mind with all I know of parenting styles. Using how I was raised, friends and family were raised as a study guide; mixing my working experience with young children as well my own research and child development classes during my time in school. Times are so different, yet not much has changed. I think of how our parents were taught to care for kids, and as grateful as I am for my upbringing, I notice what they didn’t do. That’s just as important as what they did do. See I don’t blame our parents for what they didn’t do, most of them didn’t know any better.. we do though.

I never want to forget what it felt like to be a child, I want to always keep a strong healthy progressive relationship with my daughter. I am so fucking excited and hono(red) to be her mom like woah, this is mind-blowing.

The moment it settled in that I was having my baby I felt ready, yet holding her in my arms, getting up in the middle of the night for diaper changes and feedings, I feel for certain this was the perfect time for me. She’s so alert already, I am thrilled to be the one responsible for how she grows and how she helps me grow as well.

I won’t lie I’m a little nervous, this is a whole human life, I don’t want to fuck her up. I see my generation, many are lost and confused in a self-detrimental spiral to their demise. Granted, some of their parents did all the “right” things, yet somehow they still lost themselves trying to find themselves… I want to ensure my daughter knows herself even when she is looking for who that is on the deepest level. I want to instill valuable qualities that build her up to be the best version of herself, whoever that may be and know through every stage, I’m always there to support and nurture the growth. Giving her the opportunities to enjoy each stage of her life and embedding gratitude for every moment, hoping she doesn’t fall victim to wanting to grow up so fast.. wanting to fit in, wanting love and reasons to live. How will I go about that will come to me as clear as her developing personality when it shines through.

I want to be the best leading example.

Knowing she’s looking up to me has my whole mentality on another level, it’s beyond a mirror. Your child reflects everything you are in their own way… amazing stuff really. I aim to stay true to my dreams, showing her how reality is as flexible as her imagination (& with today’s technology, it’s not too far off). This era is golden if you use it right, yes there’s so much negativity and danger on this earth, and I will make her aware of it, as well as prepa(red) to handle it in a healthy manner. She will learn to reflect and analyze… rather than to cry and dwell. Life is beautiful, we must give the energy towards what we desire and are already grateful for.

I also look forward to the times where she’ll learn who I am as a woman. I’m 27, I’m relatively young, full of life and wonderment. I am a woman first, mother second.. if it wasn’t for the first, I wouldn’t be a mother. I want to embrace my new level of womanhood and all its glory, being the best and honest role model. I want my daughter to take on my sense of pride in womanhood and morality in being true to who you are as serious as I do, even more now that she’s here.

I wonder how parenting is going to continue to shape me, and her especially… this lifetime journey is so exciting and I pray this high doesn’t fade. Most of the warnings I’ve received about the newborn stage, has proven to be false with my baby.. it’s rather pleasant to be honest. So we’ll see how it continues to plays out, above all I’m very grateful.

Shit is real.

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Shit just gets realer.

My sincerest apologies, my god it has been so long.. I can’t even begin to express how many nights I’ve thought of posting only to distract myself with sleep or something. Shit getting realer, I hope this finds you when you need it most.

I’ve been growing and life has certainly brought about blessings in challenges I would not have envisioned in a million years. Yet here I am stronger than ever, as I allow my new candle to burn I knew it was time to come here. I missed you WordPress family. Shit is real, you knew that though.

I had a revelation this evening/morning. My focus is very clear. It wasn’t foggy per say yet it was misty at most. I am now in my third trimester baring my first child, and as I type this I am overwhelmed with joy knowing the journey this has been. I’ve created life with many projects, never an experience like this. This is a beautiful phase in my life, it has not been the easiest, yet it’s worth every moment. I am valuing the time, the lessons and the evolution that’s taking place within and around me. I’m never one to get too personal, at least not yet. Just know I’m in a great space and it’s elevating me to the greatest realm I could ever ask for. It’s wild to me though… how we ask for things and never think of how we will actually receive them; we envision how we would like to obtain what we desire, yet we limit our vision from the limitless possibilities the universe has in store for us. The reality is always much rawer and better than the fantasy, our fantasy serves our present state, the universe serves us for our highest good. Regardless of how long it takes us to accept it, it’s truly better when we let go of resistance and follow the desire to fruition with no limitation. It’s hard for the ego to accept this, yet the spirit is so satisfied. We must never deny this, the ego doesn’t know shit, it is a shield we use when we want to resist the natural order of things. Do you want to remain in your happy state? Or do you want to prove your ego right? Your ego can see but so far, your spirit, however, knows no boundaries. The infinite joy can be manifested in so many ways.

We can cry and pout about how our vision isn’t exactly what was given, for what? We got what we asked for in the best way to not only satisfy the spirit but to help us grow to another level as well. We don’t ever stop wanting, we can’t ever stop growing. There is no country for the stagnant. Not where I’m from. You can give in to your lower ego self and allow petty distractions to slow you up and keep you at a standstill, or you can rise up to the occasion, own it and grow through every experience regardless of how it’s perceived by you or anyone else. Life is so beautiful.

I’m back, I was resistant to the many changes I’m experiencing, not in a negative way rather a stubborn way, this is new to me. As much as I love and embrace change, I never felt this to the degree I’m experiencing now. It’s many things, and it’s everything. I am in control and I have let it go. That was my resistance. Wanting to control how I adjust, when in reality I just had to put more of that energy into trusting this process. I’ve battled with trust issues on different levels throughout life, thus my need for control and with projects it’s easy to be in control, I am the creator. However, there’s a level of creativity that requires no control, allowing God and the universe to handle what you don’t need to… despite your urge to want to, using that as an excuse to determine your role as creator. Shit really get realer, and as my baby girl kicks as rapidly as I’m typing this, I’m so blessed. I am aware. I have not fallen victim to my circumstances and ego. I have risen and continue to rise above this and it feels great, I am so ready to continue this journey as I am to express and push all that I love and have within me.

I really must force sleep now, a long productive day awaits, already I’ve gotten so much done. I’m happy to be back. I will be posting more. So many topics I want to discuss. Just remember, progress is perfect, keep moving stay sturdy and keep calm. It’s all in your favor.

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Visuals pt. 5

Idk….

“We all don’t know, that’s why we aim to figure things out, ask questions, find answers.”

I exhale and stare at her, I think I know what’s holding me back, but I’m sca(red), I think. It’s weird, I guess maybe outsiders seem to all have a different view from me.. Their view is what I’m sca(red) of.

“Sca(red) their views could become reality?”

No their view is a reality, I’m sca(red) of it becoming MY reality. It’s like, I feel so rebellious. But I’m not forcing it, if anything I feel I’m forced to conform… I haven’t given in, I refuse to, but it’s draining me..

“You know what you have to do, don’t you?”

Yeah… I guess that’s what truly scares me, even more that I haven’t acted on it.

— It’s been a while since I’ve come to visit her, I said that the last time… And it bothers me. I love the clarity she brings, the tranquillity to truly understand the how, why and figure out the what in your life. Evolve more in you, no guessing who and she’s right there, never intruding but more of a guide who makes you feel like you did it all on your own, although you know damn well, she did that. But you feel good, you feel clear.. You see and speak truth.

The truth that is clouded so casually in our daily lives, some of us are so fortunate to have the clarity of truth at all times, bless you. Soon I’ll make it there, for now, thankfully I have her. But let’s get back to the session..

We’re sitting in her bar as she mixes us drinks, always something different with her.. “Why not?” I don’t mind she’s yet to make a bad combo, it seems like she truly has all the answers..

You really have all the answers..

“I just like to ask questions, it’s like digging. Eventually you get it..”

You don’t ever ti(red) of digging?
“do you?”
Touché.
I don’t get ti(red) but I get weird the deeper I dig, in a good way but I just wonder, how much deeper does it get?

“Makes you curious Huh? Keeps you up at night?”

I laugh, yeah. You know it does.

“You torture yourself knowing and not taking the leap you want, you’re so close to the edge… You can see it, just jump… I promise you’ll sleep better.”

I curl my lips, sip my cup, look at her, yes Sensei, I bow my head.. You know best.
We laugh.
But no seriously.
She really does know best. When you look in the mirror, you know who you really are. For someone to see what you see, everything you see.. When you look in the mirror, and mirror that to you, it doesn’t get any realer. It’s rare in these times… we as humans are at war with facing ourselves, first, and then with each other, and only because of the first is the second one even possible: she taught me that…

Speaking of, how’s everything?
“Everything is well, I feel great and you?”

I pause to see if she’ll say anything else, she winks .. I shake my head, I’m well, everything is great. Ima nervous wreck though.

“Aren’t we all?”

As our session progressed, I felt so relieved, she probed and pulled at my soul, it was like a deep tissue massage… Firm, slightly painful but in the end, you feel relaxed and somewhat free, somehow more fluid.

I realized, we are all nervous wrecks, the more intense are wrecking balls.. I saw how true the phrase, ‘the world is your reflection’ really is. Idk if I was high, or just feeling all around good but the way that reality set in was amazing… Even amazing doesn’t begin to cover how deeply things started to resonate. And just like clock work.

*alarm rings*

Do we really need that annoying ass alarm?
She laughs, “you know what happens when we don’t use it”

What’s a couple extra hours? I joke, but I know, we do get carried away with no alarm… there’s no clock, no calendar, shit even HER phone is off. Not on silent. No vibrate. Off. She doesn’t play that here, she feels the connection to outside always leaves us outside, when we need to go inside the most. And by inside she means within us. That’s why I come here… She takes it so seriously, you feel compelled to do the same and it’s always subconsciously.. Yet you’re conscious every minute of it.

What time is it?

For the other visual parts click here and here … In that order.

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Guidance.

I’m stubborn by nurture, so guidance is tricky for me. I’ve never been one to just let anyone give me guidance. I’ve been wanting to speak on guidance for a long time now but I wasn’t quite ready to do so.. I wasn’t ready yet.
But I’m ready now.. Thanks to a spark of tweets, I’ve finally found out exactly how I feel about guidance.. And how to word it.

In life your parents/caretakers are your first encounter of guidance.. They shape how you accept or reject instructions from authority and in general. As you become old enough to take control of your own life, those in your circle and especially your significant other are your guidance. (And if you have any objections to that.. I suggest you find some new people to associate yourself with.)

Guidance is usually in reference to advice or direction from one in authority, and authority is the power you give those around you when you ask for advice. No matter how minuscule it may seem, seeking any advice or direction for your life choices and actions from someone other than yourself, is giving someone a great power. Think about it.

Now with great power comes great responsibility, are we all truly fit to guide others when many of us can barely guide ourselves? And in guidance, the many of us who step up to the plate, is it for the power? Or the person? How does one go about choosing guidance, recognizing guidance in its purest form and not the tainted puppet show most use guidance for? In the world we live in today, you just can’t ever be too sure.

The best person to guide you is you.. First and foremost. You know your intention and direction, you know your purpose. Now, good guidance never hurt anyone.. Hell, it’s needed for progression. None of us know it all, but combine what we all know and we’re unstoppable. But no matter what guidance you choose to follow make sure your guiding inner voice is at peace.. Always follow that one shall your inner guidance and outer guidance don’t match up.

Speaking of match up, what realllllyyyy sparked me to write about this was my personal life, with men.
Men are natural guidance counselors .. Always wanna lead the way, they don’t need direction, they create direction. Cool. It’s natural for men to feel this way… But many don’t even know the way. As a woman who very much loves man, I understand the role of the man in a positive, progressive relationship.. I also understand that many men in my era don’t have the slightest clue of that.. Let alone the role of a woman in a relationship like I mentioned. I’m not bashing men, I would never. But realistically many men aren’t at peace with themselves, or even know who they truly are.. So imagine letting one like that guide me? No.

I remember this man, he was older, very successful, decent looking but very arrogant. His arrogance turned me off because I saw right through him… He had all this success and I could see he was empty inside, but he wanted to impress me so his arrogance was obvious. Nothing we spoke of made me feel like he was this man he portrayed, yes the rewards of his labor were very real.. But who he was portraying to be, was not. Needless to say, I couldn’t hide my disinterest.. He told me, I needed guidance, that was my problem.. I’m young, I don’t know the way yet. I laughed told him he was probably right, but I’ll be okay.

I’m aware of the type of person I am, the type of woman I am. I never claim to not need guidance but I’m wise enough to know all guidance isn’t good guidance and some guidance will leave you lost. And I’ve seen women fall to demises so tragic because the man they chose to allow to take the lead, made a quick left and they haven’t seen him since.. All lost, no clue with what to do next.

I don’t like to be lost.

If a man doesn’t know where he’s going, how can he possibly show me where to go? I just don’t want to take that route.

Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of men that are in position to be the proper guidance in a relationship, but often, either they’re too caught up in what they’re building towards they just don’t seem to have the time to invest into a relationship (as with some women) or, the women they’re with block any guidance. And that’s not healthy.

Many women, including myself have been b(red) by society and parents to be more independent.. To be self-sufficient. Decades of horror stories of women who’ve been left.. weak and helpless cause their men were their guidance, they can’t see now.. It’s like a blind’s seeing eye dog running off leaving his owner in the middle of traffic. It’s tragic.

We now have the mentality as a majority, that I realized about my father at a young age.
Men can leave.
Now I don’t feel I have daddy issues.. Anymore. I’ve come to terms and peace with the one who I should’ve called father, but I won’t lie on how that realization shaped how I treat and deal with men.
I’m aware leaving is always a possibility.
Guidance or not.. If a man wants to leave, he will. Women are the only gender who stays when she wants to leave.. Hmmm I wonder why, maybe because the fear of being lost and alone with no guidance outweighs the unhappiness in their uncomfortable situation. Whereas with men, they create the direction. It’s nothing for them to drop you off and find a new route and mind to guide. Their natural logic tells them with time they’ll be fine, while the emotional women is left to feel like the sun will never shine again.
Realistically speaking.
And I want many, women, especially, to get out of their emotions for a bit. You have to be real about life and people. Their ways and patterns and accept them as reality. You do not have to tolerate anything you’re not comfortable with but don’t try to deny it as if shit is not real.

The difference between many women and myself, I am aware how great I am, alone. I am also very aware of how great I can be with the right man besides me. Keeping in mind, that many men wear disguises and I don’t have to settle for any form of guidance just to feel like I’m going somewhere, like I’m accomplishing something.

In the world of women, bitches love bragging about how they got a man, and that’s cool, I’m happy for you. But is that it? That’s all you have is a man? What else do you see in your man? Do you see him as king? Does he provide for you in ways that money can never amount to? Does he uplift and encourage you and your goals and accomplishments? Does he give you a sense of security? Maturity? Have you grown with him? If he left you today, will you be okay? Will you be better off than when you first met him, in all aspects, even if you’re emotionally distraught? These are few insightful questions, but very necessary. Most women don’t even provide what I listed for their own men, so I won’t be surprised if they’re not receiving that, can’t get what you don’t give out.

You must be aware of these things though, can’t stress this enough. Some men will have you around for convenience and create the illusion that they’re guiding you towards the light but in reality you’re going in circles, which explains why you’re so confused. Don’t ignore your inner voice, it truly knows.

Us women are guiders in our own nature and to let men guide is a blessing when you grab the right hand.. And in finding the right hand, you might hold on to a few wrong ones, but as I’ve mentioned, your inner guide won’t let you down.. So if you get that urge to let it go.. Go with it.

I feel I’ve been guiding myself majority of my life, inner guide has shown me the way many tried to keep me from.. So I kept guidance from others to a minimum.. But I’m very young, I’m still 22.. The day I let a man guide me, it’ll be smooth sailing, gotta be pretty easy guiding someone who already knows where they’re going.

My advice on guidance, create your own from within, don’t search for outsiders guidance if you’re lost, especially when you’re lost.
Find yourself.. And you’ll know exactly who to guide you and how you need to be guided.

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