Shit just gets realer.

My sincerest apologies, my god it has been so long.. I can’t even begin to express how many nights I’ve thought of posting only to distract myself with sleep or something. Shit getting realer, I hope this finds you when you need it most.

I’ve been growing and life has certainly brought about blessings in challenges I would not have envisioned in a million years. Yet here I am stronger than ever, as I allow my new candle to burn I knew it was time to come here. I missed you WordPress family. Shit is real, you knew that though.

I had a revelation this evening/morning. My focus is very clear. It wasn’t foggy per say yet it was misty at most. I am now in my third trimester baring my first child, and as I type this I am overwhelmed with joy knowing the journey this has been. I’ve created life with many projects, never an experience like this. This is a beautiful phase in my life, it has not been the easiest, yet it’s worth every moment. I am valuing the time, the lessons and the evolution that’s taking place within and around me. I’m never one to get too personal, at least not yet. Just know I’m in a great space and it’s elevating me to the greatest realm I could ever ask for. It’s wild to me though… how we ask for things and never think of how we will actually receive them; we envision how we would like to obtain what we desire, yet we limit our vision from the limitless possibilities the universe has in store for us. The reality is always much rawer and better than the fantasy, our fantasy serves our present state, the universe serves us for our highest good. Regardless of how long it takes us to accept it, it’s truly better when we let go of resistance and follow the desire to fruition with no limitation. It’s hard for the ego to accept this, yet the spirit is so satisfied. We must never deny this, the ego doesn’t know shit, it is a shield we use when we want to resist the natural order of things. Do you want to remain in your happy state? Or do you want to prove your ego right? Your ego can see but so far, your spirit, however, knows no boundaries. The infinite joy can be manifested in so many ways.

We can cry and pout about how our vision isn’t exactly what was given, for what? We got what we asked for in the best way to not only satisfy the spirit but to help us grow to another level as well. We don’t ever stop wanting, we can’t ever stop growing. There is no country for the stagnant. Not where I’m from. You can give in to your lower ego self and allow petty distractions to slow you up and keep you at a standstill, or you can rise up to the occasion, own it and grow through every experience regardless of how it’s perceived by you or anyone else. Life is so beautiful.

I’m back, I was resistant to the many changes I’m experiencing, not in a negative way rather a stubborn way, this is new to me. As much as I love and embrace change, I never felt this to the degree I’m experiencing now. It’s many things, and it’s everything. I am in control and I have let it go. That was my resistance. Wanting to control how I adjust, when in reality I just had to put more of that energy into trusting this process. I’ve battled with trust issues on different levels throughout life, thus my need for control and with projects it’s easy to be in control, I am the creator. However, there’s a level of creativity that requires no control, allowing God and the universe to handle what you don’t need to… despite your urge to want to, using that as an excuse to determine your role as creator. Shit really get realer, and as my baby girl kicks as rapidly as I’m typing this, I’m so blessed. I am aware. I have not fallen victim to my circumstances and ego. I have risen and continue to rise above this and it feels great, I am so ready to continue this journey as I am to express and push all that I love and have within me.

I really must force sleep now, a long productive day awaits, already I’ve gotten so much done. I’m happy to be back. I will be posting more. So many topics I want to discuss. Just remember, progress is perfect, keep moving stay sturdy and keep calm. It’s all in your favor.

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4th Quarter

Always room for improvement, what could you enhance?

Are you willing to shake shit up and implement new methods in your daily life for the sake of progression?

Too many fear change, for what? I don't know. All change is good. Even when we label it as bad, the bad makes us better. Every single time this is proven, on all scales of this spectrum of life. Why do we easily forget? Why is it that we are so adamant about being right, with the wrong things… it's okay to be wrong, when you want to be so right about the wrong things… things that don't matter, things that aren't conducive to your progression…. you just want to be right in your demise…
"see I told you this wouldn't work out"
OF COURSE IT WON'T WORK OUT… YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT.

Whether you think you can or you can't… you're right.
That's such a powerful quote, reflecting mind over matter….

we are so conditioned to envision worst case scenarios; attach our contradicting feelings to it, manifest the worst case scenario just to validate our sick way of being.

Why don't we easily envision the best case scenario? It seems far fetched? Those outside voices of limiting and narrow minded people echo in your brain? We don't ever want to be tooooo good, or too far ahead of everyone else, then we feel wrong, because we are leaving others behind, we are no longer relating to a self fulfilling prophecy of demise and desperation… and that scares many of us. Why would it? Most of our loved ones are over there…. and we don't want them to feel beneath us, or unloved by us… which is fucking stupid to me, no matter where you or your loved ones are at in life, your progressions is YOURS. It most certainly isn't a reflection of what others can or cannot do. Focus on yourself. yet conditioning of this manner isn't rare, nor foreign concept.. at least where I'm from. Poverty is a sickness many of us aren't aware of.

Let's talk about how change is a vital piece to our emotional, mental and physical state.

Change isn't discrediting all you've done, I believe many fear change for that sole reason… If I switch it up now, that means what I did then didn't work. Nope. It's leveling up. What you did then, served its purpose, it doesn't work NOW. Understanding that clarifies so many misconceptions of growth. Growing is change. It's inevitable.. yet we fight so hard, spend so much time forcing things to remain the same, despite everything in us saying WE NEED CHANGE.

This life is ours for the creating, even if you feel you've created the ideal life for yourself; understand, there's always so much more… you can do no wrong, there is no end.

Trust the process, be clear about what you want in such a general way, the details write themselves.
Trust yourself, shit is realer than ever.

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Hey high. 

It’s been a while… I’ve thought of you often… it’s not that I don’t have anything to say, I just don’t know where to start… what to leave out. 

Shit is real. Yeah I’m high as shit… regular.. I’m more open though, I’m very happy with how open I’ve become and how much has opened up for me as I continue on this path of mine. 
I’m in a pretty fucking great space internally… new grounds that I’m eagerly exploring, revealing the growth from where I once fea(red) my unknown potential…
See you are all you think you are, yet that’s not ALL you are… you are more. Way more than you can envision for yourself at this point in time… 

“Don’t be patient, be satisfied.” — to be patient means you’re waiting, and on your journey motion is constant… to ignore the motions will always make you feel like a patient in a waiting room. Pay attention, be satisfied knowing the signs are revealing how all you desire and work towards are unfolding for you in ways you couldn’t imagine… twice as better, you get to see it come to fruition, what are you waiting for exactly?  
Keep Calm, it’s all working out perfectly. 

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Blossom.

I used to hate the smell of flowers, that was back when I was dead. I now realize the scent of life made it clear how dead and numb I was to life. I am alive now, I am more alive than I have ever been. It’s reflective in all aspects of my life how lively I am, for that I am eternally grateful. I am in love with nature. So imagine my suprise when I got wind of the Thailand orchid exhibit opening day was this past Sunday, at the NY Botanical Garden in the Bronx. I had the perfect day with perfect company to top a perfect weekend… I took some photos of the exhibit, here they are… I can’t upload all 250+ but these are some of my favorites. 

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Hateful 8….

8 days left of the year……..
Are you ready for the grand finale?

Side note: watch hateful 8 again.

Shit real motherfuckers!

While the holidays creep up on us, and this NYC weather is scarily warning us for the winter ahead… I want to reflect, per usual.

2015 was such a great year for me for many reasons….

I went through serious life expanding motions.

I took more risks.

I met creative deadlines.

I learned so much.

I grew through mistakes.

Its funny to me how in the moment I’m absorbing more than I’m observing my own actions… I really move on my feelings but I don’t move emotionally. I’m very methodic. Its evident in retrospect and this year has highlighted the methods behind the madness.

I gotten deeper in my feelings… Which is awesome. So fucking great to be understanding of what it is I deeply feel and using that knowledge pai(red) with logic to progress my self development.

In the next 8 days I have two projects I’ll be releasing. I’m very anxious about that being that I am so excited to share these two completely different vibes.

12/24/15-12:24am

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An erotic poetry collection poems/ poetic short tales surrounding the depths of time.

12/31/15 – 24 for 24: Year of the Muse

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Short film highlighting my spoken word album about the muse behind it all. 

Check for those on LustyinLavender.com

I consider 2015 to be my freshman year… I am in school again, but this time around, I’m a student at Life university with my craft as my major and a minor in humanity.

That being said, this is the final.
8 days I’ll get the grade…

My sophomore will be vicious, my freshman certainly wasn’t friendly…

I’m focused mannnnn 🙂

Shit real.

The Olympics games are now: your progress is preserved or wrecked in a single moment.

There’s no reason to fear anything let alone failure, way I see it… You can always make it right by doing something better.

Don’t sweat small shit when you know you’re destined for greatness.

As long as you don’t stop.

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Money money money munneyy

The smartest thing I could have done was not get direct deposit. Only deposit whatever amount I may need for debit purchases (online) now before I would do direct deposit for the convenience but I would swipe swipe my ass broke. I would withdraw here and there and not keeping tabs on how much money I’m spending … I’m broke. I need to be aware of where every dollar goes, to ensure its being used for my progression and happiness.

I’ve been educating myself on money and taking notes from my studies to be financially responsible.

I’m not cheap, but I can’t spend freely like I’m at my billionaire status when I’m not there yet. But I can budget better, I can be more conscious and think long term fiscally like I do for my everyday life..

I do not care for money. I just care for what I can do with it. So I’ll spend like I know I’m going to make it back, and I always do … But its not what you make, it’s what you keep, and, what that does for you.

Warren buffet said, until you manage your emotions, do not expect to manage money.

That shit echoed for the longest cause I knew I was still learning how to manage my emotions and my nonchalant behavior makes it seem like I know how to manage my emotions, but I’m not all the way there yet, I just am very good at managing my outburst and when/how I choose to express it which is different but that’s another topic for another blog post.

But back to money.

I’m on the tightest budget I’ve been on ever and I’m surprisingly happy about it. When I had more money I spend more stupidly and now that I have to tighten up for all the right reasons this gives me a chance to really get it right, once and for all.  If I can finesse small, there’s no limit to how I can finesse.

I cash out, and physically look at my money and divide what I need from what I want and its working so far, I feel different. I’m still new at this but I’m focused and am determined. For many reasons.

Look at your relationship with money, what does it tell you? How do you spend, save? Do you even save? What does money mean to you? What does it do for you? Are you a slave to money or do you have a tight grip on the reigns? If a slave are you willing to do what it takes to change your role?

Shit real.

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Structure. 

The month of July is over..

4th quarter is here. 2016 countdown starts now. 

I think about structure and how that in itself is structu(red) and how society and our surroundings/influences create the outlines on how our structure should be built, and sustained…. If we allow that. 

Now, I say that to say this, all my life I’ve been looking for a structure that fits me, a structure that can sustain my ever growing foundation and allow me to grow and prosper as I am meant to do. But the problem with that is, I’m already complex, and a lot of social structures (the forms of it we are exposed to anyway) are one sided, one dimensional (ironically contradicting the definition of structure but I digress).. And that’s not going to EVER work for me. For I am not one sided. Never have never will. Now that I see that clear as day, I move on to think of the ideal structure for me, using multiple aspects of several structures I already explo(red)/studied to create that.

What amazes me most about my mind, is that if I can’t find it, I will search for ways to create it. You can’t tell me something doesn’t exist, no matter how true it may be at that moment; it’s only a matter of time, thought, and execution to make it a reality. 

It’s a long journey I’m on and to save me from insanity and stagnancy I have to switch it up, I feel like consistently altering back and forth in many different ways that still prove to be very efficient is perfect for me. I get bo(red) doing the same thing over and over which in turn decreases the level of energy I put into it. But as long as the end result is at 100 how I go about it doesn’t have to be the same all the way through. All that matter is the level of effort and work put into it remains the same. No matter what that is.

I’m getting close! Goddamn it I’m almost there! It’s such a good feeling. I’m pushing through and as these next 4 months are my witnesses, I’ll reveal more. 

I just want to get it right for me. 

In getting it right I can do more, say more, help more. And that’s all I ever want. 

24 for 24. 

I’m 24 years old, with 24 hours in a day to make mine as I wish it to be. 

You have the same 24 hours, the same 4 months before this year is up. 

Instead of thinking of all you can’t do, all the time you don’t have.. Look at these next few months at all you can do, all the time you have on your hands. And play with the structure of your life, break your months down and set your goals and go for it. Really go for it!

I mean you have nothing to lose. 

Worse case scenario: you’re one step closer to realizing your goals. 

Best case scenario: your goals are now reality. 
Shit real. 

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