Hey high. 

It’s been a while… I’ve thought of you often… it’s not that I don’t have anything to say, I just don’t know where to start… what to leave out. 

Shit is real. Yeah I’m high as shit… regular.. I’m more open though, I’m very happy with how open I’ve become and how much has opened up for me as I continue on this path of mine. 
I’m in a pretty fucking great space internally… new grounds that I’m eagerly exploring, revealing the growth from where I once fea(red) my unknown potential…
See you are all you think you are, yet that’s not ALL you are… you are more. Way more than you can envision for yourself at this point in time… 

“Don’t be patient, be satisfied.” — to be patient means you’re waiting, and on your journey motion is constant… to ignore the motions will always make you feel like a patient in a waiting room. Pay attention, be satisfied knowing the signs are revealing how all you desire and work towards are unfolding for you in ways you couldn’t imagine… twice as better, you get to see it come to fruition, what are you waiting for exactly?  
Keep Calm, it’s all working out perfectly. 

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Blossom.

I used to hate the smell of flowers, that was back when I was dead. I now realize the scent of life made it clear how dead and numb I was to life. I am alive now, I am more alive than I have ever been. It’s reflective in all aspects of my life how lively I am, for that I am eternally grateful. I am in love with nature. So imagine my suprise when I got wind of the Thailand orchid exhibit opening day was this past Sunday, at the NY Botanical Garden in the Bronx. I had the perfect day with perfect company to top a perfect weekend… I took some photos of the exhibit, here they are… I can’t upload all 250+ but these are some of my favorites. 

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Hateful 8….

8 days left of the year……..
Are you ready for the grand finale?

Side note: watch hateful 8 again.

Shit real motherfuckers!

While the holidays creep up on us, and this NYC weather is scarily warning us for the winter ahead… I want to reflect, per usual.

2015 was such a great year for me for many reasons….

I went through serious life expanding motions.

I took more risks.

I met creative deadlines.

I learned so much.

I grew through mistakes.

Its funny to me how in the moment I’m absorbing more than I’m observing my own actions… I really move on my feelings but I don’t move emotionally. I’m very methodic. Its evident in retrospect and this year has highlighted the methods behind the madness.

I gotten deeper in my feelings… Which is awesome. So fucking great to be understanding of what it is I deeply feel and using that knowledge pai(red) with logic to progress my self development.

In the next 8 days I have two projects I’ll be releasing. I’m very anxious about that being that I am so excited to share these two completely different vibes.

12/24/15-12:24am

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An erotic poetry collection poems/ poetic short tales surrounding the depths of time.

12/31/15 – 24 for 24: Year of the Muse

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Short film highlighting my spoken word album about the muse behind it all. 

Check for those on LustyinLavender.com

I consider 2015 to be my freshman year… I am in school again, but this time around, I’m a student at Life university with my craft as my major and a minor in humanity.

That being said, this is the final.
8 days I’ll get the grade…

My sophomore will be vicious, my freshman certainly wasn’t friendly…

I’m focused mannnnn 🙂

Shit real.

The Olympics games are now: your progress is preserved or wrecked in a single moment.

There’s no reason to fear anything let alone failure, way I see it… You can always make it right by doing something better.

Don’t sweat small shit when you know you’re destined for greatness.

As long as you don’t stop.

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Money money money munneyy

The smartest thing I could have done was not get direct deposit. Only deposit whatever amount I may need for debit purchases (online) now before I would do direct deposit for the convenience but I would swipe swipe my ass broke. I would withdraw here and there and not keeping tabs on how much money I’m spending … I’m broke. I need to be aware of where every dollar goes, to ensure its being used for my progression and happiness.

I’ve been educating myself on money and taking notes from my studies to be financially responsible.

I’m not cheap, but I can’t spend freely like I’m at my billionaire status when I’m not there yet. But I can budget better, I can be more conscious and think long term fiscally like I do for my everyday life..

I do not care for money. I just care for what I can do with it. So I’ll spend like I know I’m going to make it back, and I always do … But its not what you make, it’s what you keep, and, what that does for you.

Warren buffet said, until you manage your emotions, do not expect to manage money.

That shit echoed for the longest cause I knew I was still learning how to manage my emotions and my nonchalant behavior makes it seem like I know how to manage my emotions, but I’m not all the way there yet, I just am very good at managing my outburst and when/how I choose to express it which is different but that’s another topic for another blog post.

But back to money.

I’m on the tightest budget I’ve been on ever and I’m surprisingly happy about it. When I had more money I spend more stupidly and now that I have to tighten up for all the right reasons this gives me a chance to really get it right, once and for all.  If I can finesse small, there’s no limit to how I can finesse.

I cash out, and physically look at my money and divide what I need from what I want and its working so far, I feel different. I’m still new at this but I’m focused and am determined. For many reasons.

Look at your relationship with money, what does it tell you? How do you spend, save? Do you even save? What does money mean to you? What does it do for you? Are you a slave to money or do you have a tight grip on the reigns? If a slave are you willing to do what it takes to change your role?

Shit real.

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Structure. 

The month of July is over..

4th quarter is here. 2016 countdown starts now. 

I think about structure and how that in itself is structu(red) and how society and our surroundings/influences create the outlines on how our structure should be built, and sustained…. If we allow that. 

Now, I say that to say this, all my life I’ve been looking for a structure that fits me, a structure that can sustain my ever growing foundation and allow me to grow and prosper as I am meant to do. But the problem with that is, I’m already complex, and a lot of social structures (the forms of it we are exposed to anyway) are one sided, one dimensional (ironically contradicting the definition of structure but I digress).. And that’s not going to EVER work for me. For I am not one sided. Never have never will. Now that I see that clear as day, I move on to think of the ideal structure for me, using multiple aspects of several structures I already explo(red)/studied to create that.

What amazes me most about my mind, is that if I can’t find it, I will search for ways to create it. You can’t tell me something doesn’t exist, no matter how true it may be at that moment; it’s only a matter of time, thought, and execution to make it a reality. 

It’s a long journey I’m on and to save me from insanity and stagnancy I have to switch it up, I feel like consistently altering back and forth in many different ways that still prove to be very efficient is perfect for me. I get bo(red) doing the same thing over and over which in turn decreases the level of energy I put into it. But as long as the end result is at 100 how I go about it doesn’t have to be the same all the way through. All that matter is the level of effort and work put into it remains the same. No matter what that is.

I’m getting close! Goddamn it I’m almost there! It’s such a good feeling. I’m pushing through and as these next 4 months are my witnesses, I’ll reveal more. 

I just want to get it right for me. 

In getting it right I can do more, say more, help more. And that’s all I ever want. 

24 for 24. 

I’m 24 years old, with 24 hours in a day to make mine as I wish it to be. 

You have the same 24 hours, the same 4 months before this year is up. 

Instead of thinking of all you can’t do, all the time you don’t have.. Look at these next few months at all you can do, all the time you have on your hands. And play with the structure of your life, break your months down and set your goals and go for it. Really go for it!

I mean you have nothing to lose. 

Worse case scenario: you’re one step closer to realizing your goals. 

Best case scenario: your goals are now reality. 
Shit real. 

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Road to perfection. 

Yerrrrr what the fuck is good WordPress!? 

Lol I’m just really excited can you tell? 🙂 

I’ve been thinking and moving as usual and as I continue to absorb all that surrounds me, I get so inspi(red).. I have so much I want to discuss and give but I refrain for the sole reason I haven’t settled on my delivery. But I can say with great certainty, the time is coming where I’m confident whole heartedly in how I choose to deliver what I want to express. 

Recently, I made what now is appearing to be a big power move. I made an affirmative decision to have more control of my time and it’s shaping out to be the best thing I could’ve done. While I’m still adjusting and figuring out how to divide my time; One thing screams at me: 

Bitch, explore your hobbies

I feel I’m not good at just one thing, I have many different interests, many in which I may have never expressed to others. But I’m so curious as to what skills I can develop indulging in different things that interest me beyond the need to learn them. 
I’m only here for one lifetime and I want to explore as many aspects of life and what it has to offer while I’m here. While I can. 

Idk what the future holds for certain outside of what I’m working towards and continue to shape through manifestation.. Yet every last detail in life can’t be accounted for; but how you choose to spend your time can be, and you are fully responsible. 

My levels of tolerance and persistence keeps rising as I find myself yet again bursting with motivation to continue to push myself to new heights. 

I feel really good. I do not have much worries these days. 

The focus is zoning in deeper and I’m anxious. 

Perfection is slowly becoming to me the meaning of willing and actually going the extent to make it flawless in every way. 

I intend to create perfectIon in all I do.
Shit is real. 

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Pressure.

Do you think a “coal” feels the pressure as it evolves into a diamond? 

I think about pressure, and what it means and how it’s applied, also when. 

I’m at a point where I don’t feel the pressure, but I sense it. I am transitioning into my diamond phase. The pressure doesn’t hurt, it’s motivating. The pressure doesn’t make me feel constricted as some may think, but free and stronger. 

I feel pressure is all on how we look at it. Pressure is a reminder that we are pushing towards something. We’re going against what we know and are comfortable with.. Into what you desire and have no clue of what’s next.  

Pressure is applied to resistance; Resistance that we create by not being all on the same page internally. Meaning mind, emotion, and subconscious has to be in tune to allow pressure to serve its purpose.

You have to determine what the pressure is for, and for the betterment of your wellbeing and lifestyle, you have to know why.

You shouldn’t allow people to pressure you in ways you would not pressure yourself, even if it’s needed, you will need to find a way to apply that on your own; or fall victim to codependency to get shit done, or gather up the courage to do so.

Pressure is necessary, but it doesn’t have to be negative. It doesn’t have to be panic and chaos. It doesn’t have to be applied by others. We all have that within us. We apply pressure everyday as we get on with our lives. 

But I realized when we need it most, we shy away from it. Why? The pressure when we truly need it is when we feel it the most. 

That’s pressure on pressure (lol) and we panic at the idea of having to make a choice quickly… Depending on scenario that may induce fear and complete avoidance of what needs to be done. 

But we can’t run forever. 

Anything done through pressure is more impactful. It’s felt deeply. 

Are you ready to be a diamond? 

Are you ready to face the pressure and allow it to target your tense spots like a deep tissue massage (with hot stones 🙂 )? 
Shit I hope so. 

Shit real. 

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