The prelude: Baby Blues

I sent over an article on the topic of PPD and Baby blues to my editor at Wellvyl and I’ve been thinking about my experience with baby blues.

I’m heading towards my fifth trimester (2nd phase of postpartum). It’s rarely really spoken how we as women have to readjust to society and life, as a new mother as our body reverts back to its form post baby. This time last year I was already pregnant and didn’t know (I would find out a few weeks later at a routine check up). This last year has been spent nurturing and bringing my daughter to life. The adjustment is real, I’m living through it. I don’t know how other creatives felt after birth, during pregnancy especially. I think there’s something to be spoken of in regards to that.

My first baby is LustyinLavender. Everything I’ve created under that has felt like birth in a metaphorical sense. My poetry brand has pushed me to new heights and life I’m eternally grateful for. Being pregnant for me, sparked a need to focus mostly on creating a safe and healthy space for my baby to be in, while I was pregnant and once born. The shift of my craft taking the back seat when it was a passenger for the last 6 years (2012 LustyinLavender was born) took a toll on me in my fourth trimester. I had to reassess a lot of internal conflicts between this new life I’m creating with my child, myself as a mother, most importantly as an evolving woman (I speak of this in my article, once posted I’ll follow up with link).

As a creator standing still is torturous, I feel I must be creating at all times, not just for my child but for me as well. A concern I have is not giving myself the same energy I’m so eager and willing to give my child. Her birth, her being, sparked a desire in me I never even knew one could have, I certainly didn’t have that prior for my brand, let alone self. That’s a hard pill to swallow.

I washed it down with water, a lot of water.

I realized how much deeper the untapped energy, potential and resources I possess now as Luna’s mother. It’s mind-boggling. This is beautiful and terrifying to know that I have so much more than I already felt I could give. I’ve spoken of my theory and experience of reaching 100% for some time, if you’ve been following me from saintandtheSinner days you know well. I stare at my child and and see what my half created, amazing, how she inspires me to give her my all. I want that same energy.

Keeping it all the way real, I was playing too much with my life, I wasn’t committed to anything 100% let alone anyone…. starting and ending with me. I would literally half ass it. It’s gotten me great results, why would I exert more energy if I’m not inspi(red) to? I want phenomenal now. I am committed to taking myself as seriously as I deserve and give every thing/one 100% for my highest good. My child has inspi(red) me in such a way that the baby blues hit me hard, and her spirit and pure gaze kept me from falling victim to PPD. The realization of what’s going on, the inability to express to others exactly what’s happening within you as your body undergoes yet another shift, emotionally, mentally, spiritually AND physically. I see why mothers are made out to be superwoman. We are. 4 shifts simultaneously over the span of a years time, conception, the pregnancy, after birth, living the adjustment.

Time is warped something vicious.. for self development it’s vital. I believe there’s so many time zones within our minds, I can’t… that’s another topic. Another day. The days fly by and stretch in retrospect. There’s a synchronization being formed for parent and child on a daily basis that oddly reflects the subtle cues during the pregnancy. Anyway, I can see now that I’m on the other side, shit is wild real. This is early and I’m feeling all of this… this is for a lifetime! This is dope, I have more excitement than fear. I am not worried about how I will care for my child, it’s really lit for her. She could not have picked a better mother and when I look deep into her beautiful eyes, she confirms it. The grin she gets from me seals it into my soul every trip. It’s very comforting and exciting. I was chosen.

I can’t forget about me.

With the blessing my baby is, it’s easy to do it. I can’t get lost in her. Yeah ima few months in the game of parenthood, but as I mentioned, time flies. Next thing I know, she’s off to school, asking me questions about life and wanting a shoulder to cry on. I care for me with the same energy I care for her, I will be the best person for us both. That’s important to me. Keeping the balance, living freely and fulfilled for my peace of mind. It’s easy to lose it.

It’s so easy to lose it, when you start slipping, you attack yourself (me to me). Being hard on myself I knew no limit.. I never stop studying myself, and this new level I’m experiencing has its overwhelming moments. I understand perfect is pointless, we are human, I swear I KNOW that… yet because I am human, it’s like fuck it. Ima try anyway. Can’t blame me for trying, I want what I want.

We always get what we want, just never how we expect to receive it….. because we never expect it, we try to control factors involved and ignore the fact, we got what we wanted. Humans, pathetic we are. *half joke* I want everything, and this new shift has adjusted my perception of what everything means to me. This new perspective has opened up my eyes after squeezing them shut during the shift waves, allowing me to see life in a new way, like my daughter when she looks at me like it’s a new day.. shit is real.

I feel really good in this moment, I am coasting, the lows served the purpose and as I now elevate through to my fifth trimester I can happily say I’m learning the balance of my two babies, my crafts and my child. Allowing both to continue maturing and evolving me as I continue to pour everything I have within to both equally and accordingly for as long as I live. Enjoying my life 100%, growing through every phase, knowing when to charge up and when to just rest.

It’s a journey I am overall proud to be on. Skin has been shed.

I will soon introduce to the world the evolved me, this is just the prelude. Keep calm.

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My first 30 days as a parent.

Day 48… I think, maybe it’s day 50. Eh you get it.

My whole life has changeddd, since you came in…” (ginuwine voice)

The reality of parenting is slowly sinking in. Shit is realer than its ever been. I’m so obsessed and in love with this beautiful alert baby girl. I’m learning and adjusting and so far this is awesome. My baby is perfect for me, she’s making this transition so easy and fun (as fun as a newborn can be). And of course, I’ve been in deep thought.

I’m absorbing and observing this experience while flooding my mind with all I know of parenting styles. Using how I was raised, friends and family were raised as a study guide; mixing my working experience with young children as well my own research and child development classes during my time in school. Times are so different, yet not much has changed. I think of how our parents were taught to care for kids, and as grateful as I am for my upbringing, I notice what they didn’t do. That’s just as important as what they did do. See I don’t blame our parents for what they didn’t do, most of them didn’t know any better.. we do though.

I never want to forget what it felt like to be a child, I want to always keep a strong healthy progressive relationship with my daughter. I am so fucking excited and hono(red) to be her mom like woah, this is mind-blowing.

The moment it settled in that I was having my baby I felt ready, yet holding her in my arms, getting up in the middle of the night for diaper changes and feedings, I feel for certain this was the perfect time for me. She’s so alert already, I am thrilled to be the one responsible for how she grows and how she helps me grow as well.

I won’t lie I’m a little nervous, this is a whole human life, I don’t want to fuck her up. I see my generation, many are lost and confused in a self-detrimental spiral to their demise. Granted, some of their parents did all the “right” things, yet somehow they still lost themselves trying to find themselves… I want to ensure my daughter knows herself even when she is looking for who that is on the deepest level. I want to instill valuable qualities that build her up to be the best version of herself, whoever that may be and know through every stage, I’m always there to support and nurture the growth. Giving her the opportunities to enjoy each stage of her life and embedding gratitude for every moment, hoping she doesn’t fall victim to wanting to grow up so fast.. wanting to fit in, wanting love and reasons to live. How will I go about that will come to me as clear as her developing personality when it shines through.

I want to be the best leading example.

Knowing she’s looking up to me has my whole mentality on another level, it’s beyond a mirror. Your child reflects everything you are in their own way… amazing stuff really. I aim to stay true to my dreams, showing her how reality is as flexible as her imagination (& with today’s technology, it’s not too far off). This era is golden if you use it right, yes there’s so much negativity and danger on this earth, and I will make her aware of it, as well as prepa(red) to handle it in a healthy manner. She will learn to reflect and analyze… rather than to cry and dwell. Life is beautiful, we must give the energy towards what we desire and are already grateful for.

I also look forward to the times where she’ll learn who I am as a woman. I’m 27, I’m relatively young, full of life and wonderment. I am a woman first, mother second.. if it wasn’t for the first, I wouldn’t be a mother. I want to embrace my new level of womanhood and all its glory, being the best and honest role model. I want my daughter to take on my sense of pride in womanhood and morality in being true to who you are as serious as I do, even more now that she’s here.

I wonder how parenting is going to continue to shape me, and her especially… this lifetime journey is so exciting and I pray this high doesn’t fade. Most of the warnings I’ve received about the newborn stage, has proven to be false with my baby.. it’s rather pleasant to be honest. So we’ll see how it continues to plays out, above all I’m very grateful.

Shit is real.

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Shit just gets realer.

My sincerest apologies, my god it has been so long.. I can’t even begin to express how many nights I’ve thought of posting only to distract myself with sleep or something. Shit getting realer, I hope this finds you when you need it most.

I’ve been growing and life has certainly brought about blessings in challenges I would not have envisioned in a million years. Yet here I am stronger than ever, as I allow my new candle to burn I knew it was time to come here. I missed you WordPress family. Shit is real, you knew that though.

I had a revelation this evening/morning. My focus is very clear. It wasn’t foggy per say yet it was misty at most. I am now in my third trimester baring my first child, and as I type this I am overwhelmed with joy knowing the journey this has been. I’ve created life with many projects, never an experience like this. This is a beautiful phase in my life, it has not been the easiest, yet it’s worth every moment. I am valuing the time, the lessons and the evolution that’s taking place within and around me. I’m never one to get too personal, at least not yet. Just know I’m in a great space and it’s elevating me to the greatest realm I could ever ask for. It’s wild to me though… how we ask for things and never think of how we will actually receive them; we envision how we would like to obtain what we desire, yet we limit our vision from the limitless possibilities the universe has in store for us. The reality is always much rawer and better than the fantasy, our fantasy serves our present state, the universe serves us for our highest good. Regardless of how long it takes us to accept it, it’s truly better when we let go of resistance and follow the desire to fruition with no limitation. It’s hard for the ego to accept this, yet the spirit is so satisfied. We must never deny this, the ego doesn’t know shit, it is a shield we use when we want to resist the natural order of things. Do you want to remain in your happy state? Or do you want to prove your ego right? Your ego can see but so far, your spirit, however, knows no boundaries. The infinite joy can be manifested in so many ways.

We can cry and pout about how our vision isn’t exactly what was given, for what? We got what we asked for in the best way to not only satisfy the spirit but to help us grow to another level as well. We don’t ever stop wanting, we can’t ever stop growing. There is no country for the stagnant. Not where I’m from. You can give in to your lower ego self and allow petty distractions to slow you up and keep you at a standstill, or you can rise up to the occasion, own it and grow through every experience regardless of how it’s perceived by you or anyone else. Life is so beautiful.

I’m back, I was resistant to the many changes I’m experiencing, not in a negative way rather a stubborn way, this is new to me. As much as I love and embrace change, I never felt this to the degree I’m experiencing now. It’s many things, and it’s everything. I am in control and I have let it go. That was my resistance. Wanting to control how I adjust, when in reality I just had to put more of that energy into trusting this process. I’ve battled with trust issues on different levels throughout life, thus my need for control and with projects it’s easy to be in control, I am the creator. However, there’s a level of creativity that requires no control, allowing God and the universe to handle what you don’t need to… despite your urge to want to, using that as an excuse to determine your role as creator. Shit really get realer, and as my baby girl kicks as rapidly as I’m typing this, I’m so blessed. I am aware. I have not fallen victim to my circumstances and ego. I have risen and continue to rise above this and it feels great, I am so ready to continue this journey as I am to express and push all that I love and have within me.

I really must force sleep now, a long productive day awaits, already I’ve gotten so much done. I’m happy to be back. I will be posting more. So many topics I want to discuss. Just remember, progress is perfect, keep moving stay sturdy and keep calm. It’s all in your favor.

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Shit real.

Do you feel the changes?

Can you feel the shift beneath your feet?

Are you panicking at this unknown burst of emotion that you feel the need to tie to negative thoughts?

Shit is so real…. and this is great!!

So much is happening, for the better as always… how long will it take you to see it? I know you gotta feeeeel it.

You know what’s really good? When you catch yourself moving differently in seeming similar situations. Choosing the better and more progressive options. When you realize how much you’re growing and how AMAZING this feeling is. So fucking amazing just knowing all the reasons why you can’t explain it is more than enough.

You FEEEEEL it.

You don’t gotta explain shit to nobody, especially the numb. It’s like talking to a brick wall.

For the first time in a long time, you feeeel it so deeply you don’t even doubt it.

You know.

Shit real.

Flowing towards your desires, satisfied NOT patient with the process, enjoying and learning from the progress and everything becomes perfect all of a sudden.

Coinwinky dink? I think not.

Always at the right time, I’m reminded I can do no wrong.

Everything is everything.

I have more than I need to continuously reach/ sustain my goals and on a daily it amazes me at how much gets done with focus and clear intentions.

Honesty will forever remain the BEST policy.

You will ALWAYS get what you want. Be clear on what that is, and don’t contradict it. You don’t need to. Trust that.

Few things I wanna share, I’ll just meditate for now.

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Plan A. 

A = A lot of mini plans, to one blue print. 

I’ve been wanting to speak on this as much as I’ve been wanting to speak on vulnerability… couldn’t settle on one, maybe it is one. Maybe, being vulnerable is the ultimate goal in all our masterplans.. I’ve been absorbing, as I observe my plans continuously in action even when I stand still.  Amazing. I’m fucking in awe, and alert. There is no coincidence. Shit is real. 

Peep game. 

Vulnerability has a nasty stigma to it, it makes me cringe… I’m getting out of it so I will be using it more often, in an open sense. See being open gets you far…. you see opportunities beyond your guarded ways, you are open to giving, as much if not more than you are receiving. You are uplifted with the winds of wealth on many scales….. if you are well equipped mentally. Mind over matter. 

In our society, weak is correlated to vulnerability… although definition states you’re more open to harm, NOT weakened by it. Nobody wants to be tooo open. It’s way too risky, people are fearful of even appearing vulnerable, let alone allowing themselves the ability to see how beneficial being vulnerable can be. You grow when you are open, regardless of risk.. you train well enough for anything you can take some pain. 

How focused are you? 

Do you train your mind, body and soul the way dedicated athletes, dancers and philosophers do? 

Plan A is a folder with every other plan you can think of. 

You want one thing. 

You know what that is. 

You work towards it everyday, every waking moment you think of it, every thing and one you love seems to bring you back to this ONE  THOUGHT, and somehow you feel you’re not there yet? You’re not where??? You’re right here! This is it! Don’t you get it?? Shit is for real. The picture on the box isn’t assembled inside, put the pieces together accordingly.. you know what fits, don’t fear being open enough to grasp that. You are in it. Every step is adding to your journey, getting you closer… be satisfied with it, just don’t confuse with it stagnancy. You know the end goal. If no one else knows, YOU do. 
You don’t need back up plans in the event of, nah fuck that.. there is no just in case, or you never know. No you do know. You know what you want… stick to that, plan A. You owe yourself that much, shit we all do. That’s why we need reminders. 

Stay focused. 

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Woooo! 

K lo k, dimelo.. Wass happenin? 

Shit real or nah? 

You know it is. 

5 planets in retrograde, so the energy is definitely different.. The orbit of our solar system affect us directly in multiple ways.. Many of us are dumb to think we are above the orbit. Smh we are orbits… Funny how sometimes we go into our own personal retrograde, shit gets real then. And shit real now. 

I’m feeling good though, continuing to test out theories and push my progression. 

I love that I am able to be completely honest with myself even when that means revealing how I am wrong. That’s right to me! To face the error in your ways, despite it proving you were deluded or wrong, makes you right. You know this. 

Act accordingly. 

We do not have to explain ourselves to anyone verbally, we must however always explain in action. Action is what seals right and wrong. Progressive or destructive. 

We must be impeccable with our word, our daily word. 

You don’t keep your word, you lied. 

We can’t tell these form of lies, which in turn weaken our power. We speak of things we don’t ACT on. When your actions speak for you, why talk? Stfu. 

Shut up. Just keep moving. Say less. 

Do more. 

24hours in a day, 168 in a week… How you breaking it up? 

See halftime coming, and shit is clicking. Half of the year will be up… What have you done? What are you doing? What the fuck are you waiting for? 

Remind yourself what it is you want, who it is you are. 

Who you want to be is who you are, the only thing stopping you is who you are today.. Levels to fruition with desire. Stop doubting yourself. 

Literally you have nothing to lose! Nothing!! Worst case scenario you fall short? You’re one step closer. Best case scenario, you’re further than you envisioned. 

Ask yourself, guide yourself. Consult with yourself. You deserve to enjoy the life you live. Get your shit together, mind your business and stay hydrated. 

Summer approaches us, another season.. 

You become what you think about, what’s really on your mind?? 

Sidebar: dweling on your “misfortunes” is a waste of time after the lesson is learned, half of that lesson is ALWAYS, move on, it could’ve been worse. Be grateful to experience the pain.. As odd as that may sound, to feel is a blessing and the pain is just a price we pay in exchange for all the joy and bliss we do experience.. The calm and peace are cherished because of chaos and desperation.. Keep that in mind. Life will never be fair in the way we want it, life is fair by not caring at all. It’s going to happen, whether it’s pleasurable or painful. Accepting that eases the confusion and saves you time. Take the gems, keep going. Time is a factor. Moving forward is a must. 

Shit real… I got work to do. 

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Selfish season.

I’m entering an extremely selfish phase in my life, and it’s for the betterment of my life. I have to devote every waking moment in my work, which is me. Internally, externally, and my creations. I’m not reaching out to anyone, and I hope many don’t take this personally because they aren’t the reason for this choice. I personally have things that must be done, and if this can be understood, great. If not, not my problem. Technically 2 months left. (3 if you include October) No one other than me can accomplish for me what I need. And for that reason alone, is why I’m “retreating from society”. I’m no good to anyone if I’m not at peace with myself. – string of my tweets from the other day..

With that being said, I know I’m going to ruffle some feathers being that I’m always over extending myself to people around me, now it never appears that I’m over extending myself because I’m really good at concealing that, I’m always there for everyone when and where they need me… But right now, I need me more than anyone else does. I have things that I have to get done and over extending myself is not going to help that.

Now what people will fail to realize, is that this is okay. I’m not changing or becoming distant. I’m just giving my all and then some to me, for the betterment of my growth and progression.. But many are so consumed with their own lives and my role in it that they will take this season of selfishness personally… That’s selfish in itself. It’s not about you, it’s about me. For once in my life, it’s really all about me, if I leave it up to others, it will never be about me, just what I can or can not contribute to them. And that doesn’t bother me.. It’s a natural human reflex, “I come first”, granted. That’s fine. That’s why I put myself first. Naturally I do, but again as I mentioned, my overextension for others often puts me in a bind that only I can pull myself out of because I’m the only one aware.

I’m not upset nor will I allow any negativity towards my season of selfishness to settle within me. I know why I’m doing this.. I know what it’s for.

We all have to do this at one point or another.

I have to fulfill my purpose and I have to be on point on all levels and in this selfish season, I will complete that. Once I’m right on all aspects within myself and everything surrounding myself.. My true blessing, what I’m working for, what I deserve will come to me with such ease.. I’ll be able to embrace it with open arms, a smile and know it’s time. I’m truly ready.

Now this doesn’t mean I’m hiding out in a cave with no form of contact, it’s not that intense, although I do go through short periods where I retreat into my cave but that’s naturally me..

This season of selfishness doesn’t mean I won’t be around, I will but just not as much.. Only for special purposes: Holidays, big events. Etc.

What this season means is, I’m working overtime on me and what I want, at all times.. If that can’t be understood.. Again, that’s not really my problem.

This the season to be selfish, it’s getting colder..

The holidays are approaching. The year is ending… Shit is real.

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