Lights. 

It’s late, or early depending on if you slept. 

It’s been a minute and I’ve even neglected my diary. Shame on me. 

I’ve been living though. That’s for sure. 

Moving and grooving.. Shit is real. 

Loving how I act accordingly regardless.

What I want to say is this: 

DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. 

GO AFTER WHAT YOU FEEL YOU WANT.

Don’t forget to think for yourself. 
I’m loving how well I’m catching the signs and running these plays. I wish I could say more, but I’ve said enough. 

June almost over.. The intermission we call summer no excuse to slack off, if anything it’s even more imperative that we go even harder. 
Shit real but y’all know that. 

I turned 25 on the 10th.. Here’s Quarter Century. Take a listen. 

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Structure. 

The month of July is over..

4th quarter is here. 2016 countdown starts now. 

I think about structure and how that in itself is structu(red) and how society and our surroundings/influences create the outlines on how our structure should be built, and sustained…. If we allow that. 

Now, I say that to say this, all my life I’ve been looking for a structure that fits me, a structure that can sustain my ever growing foundation and allow me to grow and prosper as I am meant to do. But the problem with that is, I’m already complex, and a lot of social structures (the forms of it we are exposed to anyway) are one sided, one dimensional (ironically contradicting the definition of structure but I digress).. And that’s not going to EVER work for me. For I am not one sided. Never have never will. Now that I see that clear as day, I move on to think of the ideal structure for me, using multiple aspects of several structures I already explo(red)/studied to create that.

What amazes me most about my mind, is that if I can’t find it, I will search for ways to create it. You can’t tell me something doesn’t exist, no matter how true it may be at that moment; it’s only a matter of time, thought, and execution to make it a reality. 

It’s a long journey I’m on and to save me from insanity and stagnancy I have to switch it up, I feel like consistently altering back and forth in many different ways that still prove to be very efficient is perfect for me. I get bo(red) doing the same thing over and over which in turn decreases the level of energy I put into it. But as long as the end result is at 100 how I go about it doesn’t have to be the same all the way through. All that matter is the level of effort and work put into it remains the same. No matter what that is.

I’m getting close! Goddamn it I’m almost there! It’s such a good feeling. I’m pushing through and as these next 4 months are my witnesses, I’ll reveal more. 

I just want to get it right for me. 

In getting it right I can do more, say more, help more. And that’s all I ever want. 

24 for 24. 

I’m 24 years old, with 24 hours in a day to make mine as I wish it to be. 

You have the same 24 hours, the same 4 months before this year is up. 

Instead of thinking of all you can’t do, all the time you don’t have.. Look at these next few months at all you can do, all the time you have on your hands. And play with the structure of your life, break your months down and set your goals and go for it. Really go for it!

I mean you have nothing to lose. 

Worse case scenario: you’re one step closer to realizing your goals. 

Best case scenario: your goals are now reality. 
Shit real. 

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Venting from the pent house.

I do not live in a pent house yet, but I have the mentality. 

Before I can get to work, I must say this:

Shit is real. 
I think I can do everything myself, I still do not know how to ask for help when I need it most. 

I shut off, I close shop.. I isolate myself. 

I feel a bit overwhelmed, lost, and reaching the breaking point to something new. I can feel that. 

I feel all over the place. 

My focus has multi focus and that’s cool but I still allow minuscule things to distract me, why? I’m searching for that now. I’m digging to see why I allow things to keep my mind off of what I need to be on top of, it’s a daily struggle. 

My energy levels are unbalanced, I need to get that in order. It’s fucking with my spirit. 

I yearn for something that I won’t speak of because I am the reason I don’t have it. 

I am still mending myself from the damages I self inflicted. 

I have to remind myself I need people. Despite my need to be self efficient, I know the type of people I need around me. I don’t have that quite yet. (No offense to those around me)

Patience is helpful but persistence seals the deal. 

I have to stop fighting myself. 

I have to make sure I organize myself well enough to express all I need to express as I need to. 

I still refrain when I shouldn’t. 

I deal with so much because I can’t truly get it out so I keep it all in. 

My heart is heavy. 

Even now it’s like I can’t even get it all out, I’m still assessing everything thrown my way. 

I’m aware of the signs though. 

The air is shifting which is allowing me to vent now, for later sense will be made and questions answe(red). 

The reality of it is, I have a lot to do. 

Shit just get realer. 

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Motivated on a Monday. 

Happy day to all, hope we can all extend joy throughout our week ahead, despite any unfavorable things we must tend to throughout out the week… You must keep a positive attitude and outlook on your day, everyday. 

I feel good and extremely motivated. I’m happy I’m alive, thriving and learning. I have some things I’m making sure I take care of. Progress baby, it’s all about progress. 

One thing I love to emphasize on, it’s okay if you’re not where you want to be, or you’re still not who you feel you should be, as long as you’re doing something to get you there. 

Don’t wait on anyone. Get it done yourself. What’s not in your control, leave it. Worry ONLY about what you can control and even then, don’t worry, get to work. 

Spring is here, the rebirth of nature is blossoming, so can you. The winter left us dead and shriveled but the breeze and sunlight will give us life. You just have to want it. 

Shit real. I’m excited and optimistic, riding this high out until it’s time to add more fuel. 🙂 

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Label.

I’ve never been a big fan of labels and title.. I don’t care too much what it’s called, I care more what it is.. That goes for everything material and living.

I have a great sense of who I am, and who I’m meant to be… But I don’t label myself. I don’t throw labels on my character, I never really defined myself.. Too consumed with designing myself. Figuring out what I am and what I’m not, what I like, what I don’t..

We live in a world where labels are what many look for first… Which throws me off cause that’s just a title.. That’s just a name.

I’m building a name for myself, a name that can’t be defined. Which sounds like a cliche cause everything here can be defined. But I don’t want to be defined by a title, a label.. I want to be felt so deeply the label doesn’t matter, a title doesn’t do me justice. I’m aiming to be bigger than any label or title that can be placed upon me.

There are things I identify with; my culture, my interests, desires. They have titles.. But that’s not all I am.

I’m greater than anything I can be labeled even when I’m labeled the greatest, I’ll be greater than that.

In time that will show, I’ve been designing myself for some time.. As I continue, I’ve decided I’ll wear the labels, I’ll take the titles… I just won’t feel obligated to remain boxed in just because I have been labeled and crowned.

My biggest fear is restriction. I’ve been restricted by society and myself on so much I have a paranoia of restriction. I don’t ever want to feel like I can’t do something, whether it’s lack of resources, knowledge, opportunity or connections.. I don’t want to feel like I’m stuck. Like I have to restrict myself to fit in this box I’m put in.. I feel stuck now honestly, a few restrictions seem to be in the way, but like my man warren buffet said, look for 1ft bars to hop over.

I’m working on continuing to plan and execute bigger than the last, but instead of viewing my problems and restrictions as if they’re just as big as my dreams.. I’m minimizing them. Small shit to a giant.. Right? Right.

These last days of 2014 will set off what I need.

2015 will be a special year.

This one certainly has been valuable to my growth and worth…

Goodbye restrictions that comes with labels and titles, I’ll take mine without it.

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Decemburrrr

It’s the first of the last month of the year…
Yay.
It’s getting colder, add some heat to your fire…

2015 countdown.

You know what that means? One more month to act on what we want to manifest in the year ahead…

Here’s a little mantra I recite in the morning.

Today I will be impeccable with my word, I will not take anything personally, I will not make any assumptions, and I am going to do my best.

An excerpt from The Four agreements.
Great book, amazing message.

Shit real.

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Thankful.

Every thanksgiving I’m reminded, of what really matters.. Forget how this day came about, can’t change that tragedy… But what it has become is what truly matters..

Thanksgiving, to me anyway.. Is the reunion of family.. Food, great beverages and good times. It’s about putting off all the bullshit, silencing all the negativity and truly embracing the love and all the blessings the year has brought. It’s a great day to put things into perspective as the year closes out.

There’s plenty to be thankful for, from the earths resources that allow us to breathe and live here, from our bodies that continue to run and function to get us through.. To the love that surrounds us from our close loved ones and the ones who love us from afar .. It’s the positivity that is what pushes us through, for that be thankful.

Life is not easy, but it is what we make of it. Never forget.

Sure there’s things you want to change, things you feel need to be done, stuff you wish you could get rid of … And you can, you just have to find the will power to deliver your desires through to fruition.

I love the holidays, they are the perfect reminder of what the year brought, what the year removed from our lives.. People, places and things. New Years soon approach, don’t wait until then to realize what you need to do, to get to where you want to be.

Be happy. Be thankful and all we deserve will come to us, just act accordingly.

I don’t know shit, I just know what I feel and what I’m meant to be. That’s enough for me to be truly grateful and continue pushing through all the barriers I have placed upon myself in the past.. I want everybody to be great and thankful. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

Plus it beats feeding into negativity.

Life is good.

Happy thanksgiving to you and yours 🙂

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Death.

My teas gone cold I’m wondering why… I gotta out of bed at all, the morning rain clouds up my window.. And I can’t see at all.

Goood morning.
It’s Monday. I had an amazing weekend as far as relaxation and good company is concerned. Thanksgiving is on Thursdayyyy yes. Great food, family, love and liquor .. Can’t forget my herbs. can’t wait.

I don’t have a fear of death .. I used to, naturally we’re taught to fear it mainly because we don’t know where we go, (the fact that living people try to push this heaven and hell theory but never died is irrelevant to me) .. Until we die we don’t have any clear solid proof of where we go… But that shouldn’t scare us, if that’s the case.. We should fear life as well.. We have no clue where life will take us, yes to a large extent we can shape, mold our lives into what we want.. But that’s just including everything life throws our way.. We just swing with it.

I think about life, and how death is inevitable.. The last stop on this earth train… I think about how before I opened my eyes for the first time, my memory is blank on what I was before I ente(red) this body… I think about how the sun too, will die (millions of years from now but still) … And our entire existence as we know will cease to exist … It’ll be like we were never here. So are we really here?

What’s the point of all this then? Why go hard to live and love, why bother if it’s all gonna be left behind us once we leave this greenish earth?

Because we’re here NOW.

And now is all that matters. Granted our actions now will mold the future we see shall we live to see another day. That’s why NOW is so important. It’s all we have in a sense, the past is behind us never to he retrieved again… The future a maybe, only there if we make it through the now.

You would think my acceptance of death will steer me astray to alll I plan to achieve but nope it’s more of an incentive, because I’m going to die I want to live… I want to live and build things and people that will last long after I leave… I want my death, to carry my legacy in a way my life couldn’t. To reach those not born yet.. To reach those who are dead within, all those I can’t reach in my lifetime.

We’re dead much longer than we’re alive.. With that in mind I want my life to mean no more to anyone than it does to me. Everyday I awaken blessed and grateful of all I have, all I am and what’s coming to me.. I work towards my ideal life with a smile knowing that in a millisecond… All of this could be over. I could be crossing over to the next realm.. To my next phase in creation, I believe spirits travel.. To where, only one way we’ll know for sure ..

Sometimes I get the anxious nature like I’m running out of time and others I feel I have alll the time in the world.. I don’t want to die young physically.. I’ll be young forever in spirit. But I would love to reach old age, have great grandkids and school them on life over tea and some weed.. That’s ideal for me, but will it be real?

Only time will tell.

Shit real.

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Discipline.

The word for the day, the month, the rest of my life until I master it is .. DISCIPLINE.

I have horrible discipline. Okay maybe, I’m exaggerating just a bit but Ive battled with discipline for so long… I have it when I need it, but not where I need it most.. Which is annoying but, MY fault.

So I’m pushing and forcing myself to break out of that rebellious nature when it comes to discipline.

I’m too old to be this stubborn.

I have a great sense of self-control but I let myself slide with a lot that EYE know I shouldn’t let myself ease up on… But with experience comes wisdom no?

And wisdom is just applying experience to better your life no?

So I better get to applying.. Time certainly is ticking.

I don’t want to become the old dog who can’t learn new tricks..

There’s ideal habits and routines that I feel I need, I’ve been slowly working on integrating them into my life while shaking and breaking hazardous habits… All in due time.

I’m making progress, so I won’t belittle the process but my main thing is consistency. Maintaining that pattern to continuous betterment of me.

Shit real.

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Reality check.

I get lost in my mind, some days I don’t know what day it is, let alone the time… I gotta check in every now and then to make sure I’m not deterring off track while on auto pilot…

The thing about autopilot, for me anyway, is the fact that you’re progressing at a slow steady rate.. So you don’t crash while you’re getting mind right.

I feel my mind is right maybe a little too right which is why I tend to get lost up there often.. I lose track of time, as if I had a good sense of timing to begin with. So I check in. It reminds me of reality and what I’m dealing with.. It reminds me to pick the pace up and get to work ..

There’s so much I’m working on, projects, life and myself especially.. I don’t want to pace myself but I know why I have to.. I know why things are moving the way they are, allowing me time to get ready. I don’t want to say I’ve wasted time, I don’t believe in waste.. I believe I utilize my time to the best of my ability at that moment, granted I can always do more with my time, but I’m getting there… It’s a process, knowing me I have to follow this speed now to accelerate in the future.

I’m proud of myself though, yes there’s times where I scold and get on my own back about shit I’ve been slacking on, but I’m proud of the fact that I now improve immediately after that scolding, I’m proud that I’ve become better and still blossoming beautifully on many levels.. I’m proud that I just get stronger and wiser.. My purpose is detailed and I understand majority of the lines, I’m proud that I finally am able to accept what I don’t know as not knowing for the moment… The answers will come as they have been arriving just as I need to answer the questions.

I don’t have doubt. I think that’s the one thing I’m most proud of, I do not have any doubt. Not in me, not with the people around me, not with what I’m pursuing. That’s just a relieving and reassuring feeling … I’m so thankful and grateful I can feel this.

It’s so hard, building something that hasn’t been done.. Or that you haven’t seen being done, it seems far fetched to everyone else who doesn’t visualize what you see, it’s hard to get people to be on board when you can’t say too much and the little you do say can’t be comprehended as a possible reality, this world is full of doubters and I am more than happy to know I’m not one.

I don’t need to convince anyone of anything, never been in that form of business.. What you believe doesn’t make me doubt who I am, what I will attain and create.

I am my biggest supporter and critic for good reason… I truly know everything within me I know what needs to addressed and checked. So I’m on that… Reality checks are so much better for you when they come from you, pure honesty, pure digging and turning every stone over ensuring all that needs to be addressed, is. Sure outside assistance may come in handy every now and then, but no one can do this for you better than you… Believe that. As long as you’re fully capable of being honest with yourself, you can check yourself.

Shit real.

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