Visuals part 6

idk if I’m finding myself, but I feel I’m losing it… I exhale deeply. 

“Losing it how?” 

Losing control I guess, there’s so much happening I’m scrambling trying to piece everything together, the signs, my life, everything. 

— I came to see her, of course I needed clarity, but I also missed her. I’ve been feeling so many things lately, I just don’t want to lose my mind as I ‘let go and let flow’ as she likes to say. 

“You have to, keep calm, as you love to say..” I laugh “no seriously, we spoke about the anxiety but I don’t think that’s what this is… You don’t sound worried, what is it really?”

I think it’s becoming too clear, my visions are stronger.. I’m not worried, you are right, I have little to no worries. Even the small worries are short lived. I just don’t know how equipped I am, I surprise myself and that makes me a bit intimidated, I suppose.. 

“What’s intimidating? Your potential?”  YES! It’s like I’m getting wiser and more headstrong. The premonitions are toooo on point. I feel more these days.. It intimidates me because I’m young, I don’t know what my full potential is, it’s ever growing to the point i can’t see that far ahead, but it’s like, I can see everything  else…

We sit in silence for a few… I think she zoned out, the sound of me flicking the lighter, the blunt went out, brought her back to reality. 

“It’ll all make sense as long as you keep moving and trusting what you already know… You know yourself. But you must not think you can know all you’ll be when you’re not there yet to see it. You are ever growing. Know that. Don’t forget, not for a split second… You not knowing what you’re fully capable of isn’t necessarily a bad thing, you may box yourself in based off potential.. Yes it’s scary knowing where you are now falls short to who you’re going to be, what you’ll grow into but even then, it’s part of the process. To be you then, you have to be you NOW” 

I soak in everything she said, my heart hurts… I feel it about to burst, I feel like the cocoon shedding its last layer.. Maybe. I look at her: you’re right. I just reflect on the last few years and the growth is amazing yet, I don’t feel I’ve gone far enough, all at the same time. The year is almost half way through and goddamn shit is real. 

“Ride it out … I know you are but I mean in the sense of being comfortable with the uncomfortableness of not knowing and learning what you’re becoming. You’re absolutely right. You have no clue to what you’re gonna be.. You know what you want though, you know where you want to go… You just don’t know how it’s going to shape you. But from what you do know, just know the molding will be for the better.. Look at all you aspire and will do. Shit is real. 

— it’s crazy, her words are so reassuring but as she speaks it’s like I knew already, it’s like her words unlock this chamber of secrets that aren’t so much secret, I just hide that from myself. Idk why. 

Maybe my little sister was right, maybe it’s not meant for me to see what I am or will be as much as it matters to see what I do which in essence makes me who I am but the actions mean more than what I appear to be. 

“I agree, the eye can sometimes be deceiving, especially when we search for self validation. But there no denying what you do. Ever. You can feel you’re this type of person, or you’ll be this way by this time; but the reality always boils down to what you do. How you choose to conduct yourself in times of uncertainty, times of conflict and clarity. That says more about your potential and who you’ll become than anything you can foresee.”

Shit. That makes so much sense… 

— This wave of relief I wanna say or maybe it was the weed calming me down.. Strain is hitting. We sit in a peaceful silence. It’s making sense, I feel I confuse myself just to force myself to find answers for reassurance, maybe to remind myself of the path I’m truly on, maybe it’s just an excuse to come see her… Knowing me, it’s a combo of all three. We chop it up on what’s new with us both, she makes a snack while we drink lemonade and it feels good to be around someone who gets it. She has the gift to make you feel comfortable even if you’re uncomfortable.. She’s truly a blessing. I wanna get her something nice, something to show my appreciation. 

Isn’t your birthday coming up ??

For previous VISUALS post.