The prelude: Baby Blues

I sent over an article on the topic of PPD and Baby blues to my editor at Wellvyl and I’ve been thinking about my experience with baby blues.

I’m heading towards my fifth trimester (2nd phase of postpartum). It’s rarely really spoken how we as women have to readjust to society and life, as a new mother as our body reverts back to its form post baby. This time last year I was already pregnant and didn’t know (I would find out a few weeks later at a routine check up). This last year has been spent nurturing and bringing my daughter to life. The adjustment is real, I’m living through it. I don’t know how other creatives felt after birth, during pregnancy especially. I think there’s something to be spoken of in regards to that.

My first baby is LustyinLavender. Everything I’ve created under that has felt like birth in a metaphorical sense. My poetry brand has pushed me to new heights and life I’m eternally grateful for. Being pregnant for me, sparked a need to focus mostly on creating a safe and healthy space for my baby to be in, while I was pregnant and once born. The shift of my craft taking the back seat when it was a passenger for the last 6 years (2012 LustyinLavender was born) took a toll on me in my fourth trimester. I had to reassess a lot of internal conflicts between this new life I’m creating with my child, myself as a mother, most importantly as an evolving woman (I speak of this in my article, once posted I’ll follow up with link).

As a creator standing still is torturous, I feel I must be creating at all times, not just for my child but for me as well. A concern I have is not giving myself the same energy I’m so eager and willing to give my child. Her birth, her being, sparked a desire in me I never even knew one could have, I certainly didn’t have that prior for my brand, let alone self. That’s a hard pill to swallow.

I washed it down with water, a lot of water.

I realized how much deeper the untapped energy, potential and resources I possess now as Luna’s mother. It’s mind-boggling. This is beautiful and terrifying to know that I have so much more than I already felt I could give. I’ve spoken of my theory and experience of reaching 100% for some time, if you’ve been following me from saintandtheSinner days you know well. I stare at my child and and see what my half created, amazing, how she inspires me to give her my all. I want that same energy.

Keeping it all the way real, I was playing too much with my life, I wasn’t committed to anything 100% let alone anyone…. starting and ending with me. I would literally half ass it. It’s gotten me great results, why would I exert more energy if I’m not inspi(red) to? I want phenomenal now. I am committed to taking myself as seriously as I deserve and give every thing/one 100% for my highest good. My child has inspi(red) me in such a way that the baby blues hit me hard, and her spirit and pure gaze kept me from falling victim to PPD. The realization of what’s going on, the inability to express to others exactly what’s happening within you as your body undergoes yet another shift, emotionally, mentally, spiritually AND physically. I see why mothers are made out to be superwoman. We are. 4 shifts simultaneously over the span of a years time, conception, the pregnancy, after birth, living the adjustment.

Time is warped something vicious.. for self development it’s vital. I believe there’s so many time zones within our minds, I can’t… that’s another topic. Another day. The days fly by and stretch in retrospect. There’s a synchronization being formed for parent and child on a daily basis that oddly reflects the subtle cues during the pregnancy. Anyway, I can see now that I’m on the other side, shit is wild real. This is early and I’m feeling all of this… this is for a lifetime! This is dope, I have more excitement than fear. I am not worried about how I will care for my child, it’s really lit for her. She could not have picked a better mother and when I look deep into her beautiful eyes, she confirms it. The grin she gets from me seals it into my soul every trip. It’s very comforting and exciting. I was chosen.

I can’t forget about me.

With the blessing my baby is, it’s easy to do it. I can’t get lost in her. Yeah ima few months in the game of parenthood, but as I mentioned, time flies. Next thing I know, she’s off to school, asking me questions about life and wanting a shoulder to cry on. I care for me with the same energy I care for her, I will be the best person for us both. That’s important to me. Keeping the balance, living freely and fulfilled for my peace of mind. It’s easy to lose it.

It’s so easy to lose it, when you start slipping, you attack yourself (me to me). Being hard on myself I knew no limit.. I never stop studying myself, and this new level I’m experiencing has its overwhelming moments. I understand perfect is pointless, we are human, I swear I KNOW that… yet because I am human, it’s like fuck it. Ima try anyway. Can’t blame me for trying, I want what I want.

We always get what we want, just never how we expect to receive it….. because we never expect it, we try to control factors involved and ignore the fact, we got what we wanted. Humans, pathetic we are. *half joke* I want everything, and this new shift has adjusted my perception of what everything means to me. This new perspective has opened up my eyes after squeezing them shut during the shift waves, allowing me to see life in a new way, like my daughter when she looks at me like it’s a new day.. shit is real.

I feel really good in this moment, I am coasting, the lows served the purpose and as I now elevate through to my fifth trimester I can happily say I’m learning the balance of my two babies, my crafts and my child. Allowing both to continue maturing and evolving me as I continue to pour everything I have within to both equally and accordingly for as long as I live. Enjoying my life 100%, growing through every phase, knowing when to charge up and when to just rest.

It’s a journey I am overall proud to be on. Skin has been shed.

I will soon introduce to the world the evolved me, this is just the prelude. Keep calm.

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My first 30 days as a parent.

Day 48… I think, maybe it’s day 50. Eh you get it.

My whole life has changeddd, since you came in…” (ginuwine voice)

The reality of parenting is slowly sinking in. Shit is realer than its ever been. I’m so obsessed and in love with this beautiful alert baby girl. I’m learning and adjusting and so far this is awesome. My baby is perfect for me, she’s making this transition so easy and fun (as fun as a newborn can be). And of course, I’ve been in deep thought.

I’m absorbing and observing this experience while flooding my mind with all I know of parenting styles. Using how I was raised, friends and family were raised as a study guide; mixing my working experience with young children as well my own research and child development classes during my time in school. Times are so different, yet not much has changed. I think of how our parents were taught to care for kids, and as grateful as I am for my upbringing, I notice what they didn’t do. That’s just as important as what they did do. See I don’t blame our parents for what they didn’t do, most of them didn’t know any better.. we do though.

I never want to forget what it felt like to be a child, I want to always keep a strong healthy progressive relationship with my daughter. I am so fucking excited and hono(red) to be her mom like woah, this is mind-blowing.

The moment it settled in that I was having my baby I felt ready, yet holding her in my arms, getting up in the middle of the night for diaper changes and feedings, I feel for certain this was the perfect time for me. She’s so alert already, I am thrilled to be the one responsible for how she grows and how she helps me grow as well.

I won’t lie I’m a little nervous, this is a whole human life, I don’t want to fuck her up. I see my generation, many are lost and confused in a self-detrimental spiral to their demise. Granted, some of their parents did all the “right” things, yet somehow they still lost themselves trying to find themselves… I want to ensure my daughter knows herself even when she is looking for who that is on the deepest level. I want to instill valuable qualities that build her up to be the best version of herself, whoever that may be and know through every stage, I’m always there to support and nurture the growth. Giving her the opportunities to enjoy each stage of her life and embedding gratitude for every moment, hoping she doesn’t fall victim to wanting to grow up so fast.. wanting to fit in, wanting love and reasons to live. How will I go about that will come to me as clear as her developing personality when it shines through.

I want to be the best leading example.

Knowing she’s looking up to me has my whole mentality on another level, it’s beyond a mirror. Your child reflects everything you are in their own way… amazing stuff really. I aim to stay true to my dreams, showing her how reality is as flexible as her imagination (& with today’s technology, it’s not too far off). This era is golden if you use it right, yes there’s so much negativity and danger on this earth, and I will make her aware of it, as well as prepa(red) to handle it in a healthy manner. She will learn to reflect and analyze… rather than to cry and dwell. Life is beautiful, we must give the energy towards what we desire and are already grateful for.

I also look forward to the times where she’ll learn who I am as a woman. I’m 27, I’m relatively young, full of life and wonderment. I am a woman first, mother second.. if it wasn’t for the first, I wouldn’t be a mother. I want to embrace my new level of womanhood and all its glory, being the best and honest role model. I want my daughter to take on my sense of pride in womanhood and morality in being true to who you are as serious as I do, even more now that she’s here.

I wonder how parenting is going to continue to shape me, and her especially… this lifetime journey is so exciting and I pray this high doesn’t fade. Most of the warnings I’ve received about the newborn stage, has proven to be false with my baby.. it’s rather pleasant to be honest. So we’ll see how it continues to plays out, above all I’m very grateful.

Shit is real.

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Shit real.

Do you feel the changes?

Can you feel the shift beneath your feet?

Are you panicking at this unknown burst of emotion that you feel the need to tie to negative thoughts?

Shit is so real…. and this is great!!

So much is happening, for the better as always… how long will it take you to see it? I know you gotta feeeeel it.

You know what’s really good? When you catch yourself moving differently in seeming similar situations. Choosing the better and more progressive options. When you realize how much you’re growing and how AMAZING this feeling is. So fucking amazing just knowing all the reasons why you can’t explain it is more than enough.

You FEEEEEL it.

You don’t gotta explain shit to nobody, especially the numb. It’s like talking to a brick wall.

For the first time in a long time, you feeeel it so deeply you don’t even doubt it.

You know.

Shit real.

Flowing towards your desires, satisfied NOT patient with the process, enjoying and learning from the progress and everything becomes perfect all of a sudden.

Coinwinky dink? I think not.

Always at the right time, I’m reminded I can do no wrong.

Everything is everything.

I have more than I need to continuously reach/ sustain my goals and on a daily it amazes me at how much gets done with focus and clear intentions.

Honesty will forever remain the BEST policy.

You will ALWAYS get what you want. Be clear on what that is, and don’t contradict it. You don’t need to. Trust that.

Few things I wanna share, I’ll just meditate for now.

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FULL MOON.

Shoutout to all my wolves, even the ones in sheep's clothing.

Taken by me, on AdonisT6 with my extendo lens, on a rooftop in the Bronx, NY
August 6, 2017 9:30pm

Fucking beautiful !!! The radiance captu(red) below doesn't do the reality of that energy any justice… breathtaking really.

I'm learning more about catching focus, I'm so in love with the moon, forever catching my eye.

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4th Quarter

Always room for improvement, what could you enhance?

Are you willing to shake shit up and implement new methods in your daily life for the sake of progression?

Too many fear change, for what? I don't know. All change is good. Even when we label it as bad, the bad makes us better. Every single time this is proven, on all scales of this spectrum of life. Why do we easily forget? Why is it that we are so adamant about being right, with the wrong things… it's okay to be wrong, when you want to be so right about the wrong things… things that don't matter, things that aren't conducive to your progression…. you just want to be right in your demise…
"see I told you this wouldn't work out"
OF COURSE IT WON'T WORK OUT… YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT.

Whether you think you can or you can't… you're right.
That's such a powerful quote, reflecting mind over matter….

we are so conditioned to envision worst case scenarios; attach our contradicting feelings to it, manifest the worst case scenario just to validate our sick way of being.

Why don't we easily envision the best case scenario? It seems far fetched? Those outside voices of limiting and narrow minded people echo in your brain? We don't ever want to be tooooo good, or too far ahead of everyone else, then we feel wrong, because we are leaving others behind, we are no longer relating to a self fulfilling prophecy of demise and desperation… and that scares many of us. Why would it? Most of our loved ones are over there…. and we don't want them to feel beneath us, or unloved by us… which is fucking stupid to me, no matter where you or your loved ones are at in life, your progressions is YOURS. It most certainly isn't a reflection of what others can or cannot do. Focus on yourself. yet conditioning of this manner isn't rare, nor foreign concept.. at least where I'm from. Poverty is a sickness many of us aren't aware of.

Let's talk about how change is a vital piece to our emotional, mental and physical state.

Change isn't discrediting all you've done, I believe many fear change for that sole reason… If I switch it up now, that means what I did then didn't work. Nope. It's leveling up. What you did then, served its purpose, it doesn't work NOW. Understanding that clarifies so many misconceptions of growth. Growing is change. It's inevitable.. yet we fight so hard, spend so much time forcing things to remain the same, despite everything in us saying WE NEED CHANGE.

This life is ours for the creating, even if you feel you've created the ideal life for yourself; understand, there's always so much more… you can do no wrong, there is no end.

Trust the process, be clear about what you want in such a general way, the details write themselves.
Trust yourself, shit is realer than ever.

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Plan A. 

A = A lot of mini plans, to one blue print. 

I’ve been wanting to speak on this as much as I’ve been wanting to speak on vulnerability… couldn’t settle on one, maybe it is one. Maybe, being vulnerable is the ultimate goal in all our masterplans.. I’ve been absorbing, as I observe my plans continuously in action even when I stand still.  Amazing. I’m fucking in awe, and alert. There is no coincidence. Shit is real. 

Peep game. 

Vulnerability has a nasty stigma to it, it makes me cringe… I’m getting out of it so I will be using it more often, in an open sense. See being open gets you far…. you see opportunities beyond your guarded ways, you are open to giving, as much if not more than you are receiving. You are uplifted with the winds of wealth on many scales….. if you are well equipped mentally. Mind over matter. 

In our society, weak is correlated to vulnerability… although definition states you’re more open to harm, NOT weakened by it. Nobody wants to be tooo open. It’s way too risky, people are fearful of even appearing vulnerable, let alone allowing themselves the ability to see how beneficial being vulnerable can be. You grow when you are open, regardless of risk.. you train well enough for anything you can take some pain. 

How focused are you? 

Do you train your mind, body and soul the way dedicated athletes, dancers and philosophers do? 

Plan A is a folder with every other plan you can think of. 

You want one thing. 

You know what that is. 

You work towards it everyday, every waking moment you think of it, every thing and one you love seems to bring you back to this ONE  THOUGHT, and somehow you feel you’re not there yet? You’re not where??? You’re right here! This is it! Don’t you get it?? Shit is for real. The picture on the box isn’t assembled inside, put the pieces together accordingly.. you know what fits, don’t fear being open enough to grasp that. You are in it. Every step is adding to your journey, getting you closer… be satisfied with it, just don’t confuse with it stagnancy. You know the end goal. If no one else knows, YOU do. 
You don’t need back up plans in the event of, nah fuck that.. there is no just in case, or you never know. No you do know. You know what you want… stick to that, plan A. You owe yourself that much, shit we all do. That’s why we need reminders. 

Stay focused. 

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Lust Talk About It – Happy Birthday!

This day last year, (5-15-15) I put my first self published book up for sale: print and digital formats. This is also the day I quit my job.

It’s been a year, and I can honestly say I’m so proud of myself and as I tear up with joy, I also feel restless. I have not fully taken advantage of what I have accomplished. I managed to self publish an entire book surrounding one of the most fickle topics in the Western Hemisphere: Lust. I did a pretty good job, if I do say so myself.. Or if I look to those who’ve read my work. 

There’s still plenty who have not read my book. 

There lies my restlessness, I quit my job for one that allowed me to work at my real job: my brand. My book. I just didn’t go as hard as I set out. See, I was clouded, it’s so clear now in retrospect. I let certain things slow me up that shouldn’t have been a factor. I spent time carelessly on these obstacles and confusion that I forgot, my purpose for the whole book.. First, I thought I needed to get it off my chest and spark the conversation.. Now, I know I must mediate it. 

Too many are closed minded, they are terrified at even discussing Lust and what it really means, that’s dangerous. I have noticed patterns in this last year, that scream how much I’m slacking, period. Yeah, I’m working shit out, expressing myself best way I know how to, at the moment. It’s still not enough. 

I had a man approach me about my shirt (Ask me about Lust) just to tremble and shake when I offe(red) a card, he wouldn’t take it, despite his body jerking to do so. It was weird, but it has become normal to me. He isn’t the first person I have encounte(red) this last year who have expressed similar emotions. What does this tell me? They’re sca(red) to give it a chance, they are set in their ways.. 

I won’t force anything on anyone, that’s never my intent. It just fuels my desire to seek understanding as to why, and to explore more in depth those who are fearless of subjects, such as lust. 

I won’t lie, and say I didn’t think I’d be on the New York Times best sellers list by now… I really believe I’m great enough to be in everyone’s bookshelf, can I say I’m disappointed? Perhaps, I know why I’m not there yet. 

I know what I didn’t do.. Despite all I do, I’m very aware of what I don’t do. That’s just as important. 

Being real, between me and you, I will be on it sooner than later, and it won’t be the only list I top. Don’t get it twisted though, It’s never about the list, it’s about the reach. 

Sometimes you reach people in ways that can’t make a list, and it doesn’t belittle the journey if it isn’t tallied up, as long as it’s felt. Deeply. 

As I reflect on a series of recent events, this book has helped me grow, made me even stronger as I kept my both feet planted in the soil I continue to nurture, all while exploring the endless garden of possibilities. Shit is real. 

I’ve had my book compa(red) to the 48 laws of power … The person wasn’t aware of my love for Robert Greene, my heart melted that day… Someone told me, your book so real, to agree with you, I had to be honest with myself first. I could’ve cried. Another actually cried when reading certain essays.. Shit is crazy, someone suggested I remove the religion portion of my book. I get often, how it should’ve been longer (which I take as a compliment) I’ve gotten great feedback and skeptical feedback, all taken into consideration. In this next year, I know where this book will take me, and everyone else who comes across it. 

I’m going harder this year for sure. 

Keep calm stay lusty. 

If you would like to obtain a copy of Lust Talk About it for yourself or a loved one, click the cover below 

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