Visuals part 7

“I FOUND IT!” bursting through the door, and halting dead in my tracks..

I finally found it.

She stares up from her book, and smiles, – well, right on time… what did you find?

“I found whats wrong, in me that wasn’t allowing me to commit… in all aspects of life.”

now this caught her attention I saw her ears perk up, its been some time, yet again, since I’ve come to see her.. no surprise to her, I put the consistent in, ‘inconsistent’ when it comes to sticking to things.. ‘always one to walk away aren’t you?’ she was never a liar or one to sugar coat, which is one of the main reasons, like a stray I always find my way back,..since I’m here now.. lets dig.

she begins to roll up, which is my cue to start breaking shit down.. “are you interested or committed?, do you know the difference?…. – Yes. “see, I’ve never thought of the difference until I heard that. It blew my mind… all this time I’ve been interested, not committed.. obvious when I self reflect in that mindset.”

– how is this discovery changing you? *lights blunt*

“I can spot easily in others when they are interested, and not committed, although I’ve never worded it that way, I could always tell. But I assumed all my interests were a commitment, and they weren’t. Just because I am not easily intrigued, which is another thing… interest or intrigue, commitment makes the difference. I am interested in many things, but intrigued by few… that applies to all aspects in my life, I can’t turn a corner without the reminder in my face, and I cant help but think, was I avoiding it all before? how did I not notice, I notice everything else.” noticing her motion to pass the blunt as well, I exhaled as I caught my breath with rapid wind.. dragging a deep pull to help unwind even further as she begins to wind me up …

– Bravo! I was waiting for that.. Didn’t take as long as I thought it would, you must be living a little more now huh? (I nod and laugh, exhaling blue dream clouds)… she continues, what many fail to realize is that commitment goes deeper than relationships and responsibilities, we have a commitment to ourselves, our desires, thoughts, etc… we are not as committed as we should be. We are not taught that directly.We are taught to put the commitments we have for others and our lifestyle which interlocks with others before our own inner responsibilities. which in turn is how shift blaming is even a reality.

“YES! this is where I cracked, I’m all for self accountability, so when I caught myself blaming others, dug deeper and discove(red) that it wasn’t the people I was blaming, my choices are fully mine. It was my commitment to them that was the driving force behind my choices that upset me. my commitments were in the wrong places, I felt obligated to things and people I have no real intrigue for… interest is not enough. I can see it now, I always felt, just never knew how to express it until now. its so liberating..”

– I’m so proud of you, and excited to see where you take this insight.. I must say, your growth is impressive, but remember to remind yourself, take it easy.. you learn everything as you are suppose to learn it. Don’t doubt the lessons, don’t doubt your knowledge. most importantly don’t doubt the vibes that lead you to it all, for your vibes are from your core, and you should NEVER doubt that.

I thank her for those words of encouragement, we proceed to get even higher and discuss more in depth whats been going on since our last session.. She must have missed me, she pointed out how this was the longest I’ve been away.. and opened up to me about her marriage. [I didn’t even know she was married] how she once had problems committing, for her interests never fooled her, she claims this is what we both have in common ‘alert little spirits we are’ .. Her and her husband had a relationship that truly make Carrie & Big’s relationship look like a fairy tale, shit she left him at the alter.. shit is real. married 23 years in a few months.. damn.

“when did you know, for good?” – I always knew, I knew from the moment I saw him, he was worth it.. It just took me some time to become worth it for him… and by that I mean, being someone that he can completely grow with, be 100% committed to him, and vice versa. You learn though, commitment is a two way street, give and take, that’s what strengthens it. Solidifies it even. He was worth the risks, the scares of opening up and all the rain that made our sun shine so bright in paradise.. in essence, looking back, we were meant for each other all along, I never had to change a thing, maturity revealed we were what was best. There’s no way you can’t commit to that… Keeping in mind, things take time, time reveals all. All I ask of you, don’t fight what you feel inside, I know you recently made choices as you’ve mentioned, to cut the negative commitments from your life, and for that I applaud you.. now go commit to something real. something you can call your own.

As we toasted to the pep talk of the century, to me atleast. I soaked in all the vibes I felt from our talk and washed it down with some champagne, she felt this was indeed a celebration… anytime her patients cut the shackles she treats it like the highest achievement possible, and I suppose it is, to be free, to find and attain the power to rid yourself of anything or one that weighs you down.. even if it means getting rid of things you consider to make you, you. your aim should be to be the best you possible, no?

Shit real, that was another meeting, and I decided that would be one of my new commitments.

VIsuals 1-3 , Visuals 4-

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Visuals part 6

idk if I’m finding myself, but I feel I’m losing it… I exhale deeply. 

“Losing it how?” 

Losing control I guess, there’s so much happening I’m scrambling trying to piece everything together, the signs, my life, everything. 

— I came to see her, of course I needed clarity, but I also missed her. I’ve been feeling so many things lately, I just don’t want to lose my mind as I ‘let go and let flow’ as she likes to say. 

“You have to, keep calm, as you love to say..” I laugh “no seriously, we spoke about the anxiety but I don’t think that’s what this is… You don’t sound worried, what is it really?”

I think it’s becoming too clear, my visions are stronger.. I’m not worried, you are right, I have little to no worries. Even the small worries are short lived. I just don’t know how equipped I am, I surprise myself and that makes me a bit intimidated, I suppose.. 

“What’s intimidating? Your potential?”  YES! It’s like I’m getting wiser and more headstrong. The premonitions are toooo on point. I feel more these days.. It intimidates me because I’m young, I don’t know what my full potential is, it’s ever growing to the point i can’t see that far ahead, but it’s like, I can see everything  else…

We sit in silence for a few… I think she zoned out, the sound of me flicking the lighter, the blunt went out, brought her back to reality. 

“It’ll all make sense as long as you keep moving and trusting what you already know… You know yourself. But you must not think you can know all you’ll be when you’re not there yet to see it. You are ever growing. Know that. Don’t forget, not for a split second… You not knowing what you’re fully capable of isn’t necessarily a bad thing, you may box yourself in based off potential.. Yes it’s scary knowing where you are now falls short to who you’re going to be, what you’ll grow into but even then, it’s part of the process. To be you then, you have to be you NOW” 

I soak in everything she said, my heart hurts… I feel it about to burst, I feel like the cocoon shedding its last layer.. Maybe. I look at her: you’re right. I just reflect on the last few years and the growth is amazing yet, I don’t feel I’ve gone far enough, all at the same time. The year is almost half way through and goddamn shit is real. 

“Ride it out … I know you are but I mean in the sense of being comfortable with the uncomfortableness of not knowing and learning what you’re becoming. You’re absolutely right. You have no clue to what you’re gonna be.. You know what you want though, you know where you want to go… You just don’t know how it’s going to shape you. But from what you do know, just know the molding will be for the better.. Look at all you aspire and will do. Shit is real. 

— it’s crazy, her words are so reassuring but as she speaks it’s like I knew already, it’s like her words unlock this chamber of secrets that aren’t so much secret, I just hide that from myself. Idk why. 

Maybe my little sister was right, maybe it’s not meant for me to see what I am or will be as much as it matters to see what I do which in essence makes me who I am but the actions mean more than what I appear to be. 

“I agree, the eye can sometimes be deceiving, especially when we search for self validation. But there no denying what you do. Ever. You can feel you’re this type of person, or you’ll be this way by this time; but the reality always boils down to what you do. How you choose to conduct yourself in times of uncertainty, times of conflict and clarity. That says more about your potential and who you’ll become than anything you can foresee.”

Shit. That makes so much sense… 

— This wave of relief I wanna say or maybe it was the weed calming me down.. Strain is hitting. We sit in a peaceful silence. It’s making sense, I feel I confuse myself just to force myself to find answers for reassurance, maybe to remind myself of the path I’m truly on, maybe it’s just an excuse to come see her… Knowing me, it’s a combo of all three. We chop it up on what’s new with us both, she makes a snack while we drink lemonade and it feels good to be around someone who gets it. She has the gift to make you feel comfortable even if you’re uncomfortable.. She’s truly a blessing. I wanna get her something nice, something to show my appreciation. 

Isn’t your birthday coming up ??

For previous VISUALS post. 

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