The prelude: Baby Blues

I sent over an article on the topic of PPD and Baby blues to my editor at Wellvyl and I’ve been thinking about my experience with baby blues.

I’m heading towards my fifth trimester (2nd phase of postpartum). It’s rarely really spoken how we as women have to readjust to society and life, as a new mother as our body reverts back to its form post baby. This time last year I was already pregnant and didn’t know (I would find out a few weeks later at a routine check up). This last year has been spent nurturing and bringing my daughter to life. The adjustment is real, I’m living through it. I don’t know how other creatives felt after birth, during pregnancy especially. I think there’s something to be spoken of in regards to that.

My first baby is LustyinLavender. Everything I’ve created under that has felt like birth in a metaphorical sense. My poetry brand has pushed me to new heights and life I’m eternally grateful for. Being pregnant for me, sparked a need to focus mostly on creating a safe and healthy space for my baby to be in, while I was pregnant and once born. The shift of my craft taking the back seat when it was a passenger for the last 6 years (2012 LustyinLavender was born) took a toll on me in my fourth trimester. I had to reassess a lot of internal conflicts between this new life I’m creating with my child, myself as a mother, most importantly as an evolving woman (I speak of this in my article, once posted I’ll follow up with link).

As a creator standing still is torturous, I feel I must be creating at all times, not just for my child but for me as well. A concern I have is not giving myself the same energy I’m so eager and willing to give my child. Her birth, her being, sparked a desire in me I never even knew one could have, I certainly didn’t have that prior for my brand, let alone self. That’s a hard pill to swallow.

I washed it down with water, a lot of water.

I realized how much deeper the untapped energy, potential and resources I possess now as Luna’s mother. It’s mind-boggling. This is beautiful and terrifying to know that I have so much more than I already felt I could give. I’ve spoken of my theory and experience of reaching 100% for some time, if you’ve been following me from saintandtheSinner days you know well. I stare at my child and and see what my half created, amazing, how she inspires me to give her my all. I want that same energy.

Keeping it all the way real, I was playing too much with my life, I wasn’t committed to anything 100% let alone anyone…. starting and ending with me. I would literally half ass it. It’s gotten me great results, why would I exert more energy if I’m not inspi(red) to? I want phenomenal now. I am committed to taking myself as seriously as I deserve and give every thing/one 100% for my highest good. My child has inspi(red) me in such a way that the baby blues hit me hard, and her spirit and pure gaze kept me from falling victim to PPD. The realization of what’s going on, the inability to express to others exactly what’s happening within you as your body undergoes yet another shift, emotionally, mentally, spiritually AND physically. I see why mothers are made out to be superwoman. We are. 4 shifts simultaneously over the span of a years time, conception, the pregnancy, after birth, living the adjustment.

Time is warped something vicious.. for self development it’s vital. I believe there’s so many time zones within our minds, I can’t… that’s another topic. Another day. The days fly by and stretch in retrospect. There’s a synchronization being formed for parent and child on a daily basis that oddly reflects the subtle cues during the pregnancy. Anyway, I can see now that I’m on the other side, shit is wild real. This is early and I’m feeling all of this… this is for a lifetime! This is dope, I have more excitement than fear. I am not worried about how I will care for my child, it’s really lit for her. She could not have picked a better mother and when I look deep into her beautiful eyes, she confirms it. The grin she gets from me seals it into my soul every trip. It’s very comforting and exciting. I was chosen.

I can’t forget about me.

With the blessing my baby is, it’s easy to do it. I can’t get lost in her. Yeah ima few months in the game of parenthood, but as I mentioned, time flies. Next thing I know, she’s off to school, asking me questions about life and wanting a shoulder to cry on. I care for me with the same energy I care for her, I will be the best person for us both. That’s important to me. Keeping the balance, living freely and fulfilled for my peace of mind. It’s easy to lose it.

It’s so easy to lose it, when you start slipping, you attack yourself (me to me). Being hard on myself I knew no limit.. I never stop studying myself, and this new level I’m experiencing has its overwhelming moments. I understand perfect is pointless, we are human, I swear I KNOW that… yet because I am human, it’s like fuck it. Ima try anyway. Can’t blame me for trying, I want what I want.

We always get what we want, just never how we expect to receive it….. because we never expect it, we try to control factors involved and ignore the fact, we got what we wanted. Humans, pathetic we are. *half joke* I want everything, and this new shift has adjusted my perception of what everything means to me. This new perspective has opened up my eyes after squeezing them shut during the shift waves, allowing me to see life in a new way, like my daughter when she looks at me like it’s a new day.. shit is real.

I feel really good in this moment, I am coasting, the lows served the purpose and as I now elevate through to my fifth trimester I can happily say I’m learning the balance of my two babies, my crafts and my child. Allowing both to continue maturing and evolving me as I continue to pour everything I have within to both equally and accordingly for as long as I live. Enjoying my life 100%, growing through every phase, knowing when to charge up and when to just rest.

It’s a journey I am overall proud to be on. Skin has been shed.

I will soon introduce to the world the evolved me, this is just the prelude. Keep calm.

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No fool..

2nd quarter is here. 

The next three months are crucial. 

I’m going to take my approach to another level I have many things for May planned and literally less than a month to flex, so let’s go. Let’s get it moving. 

I’m still feeling so weird. But I must prove to myself this is it. 

Halftime is 2months away 

Shit real. 

Don’t be a fool and think you have all the time in the world, while you’re dreaming. 

Action overrides intent. 

It doesn’t matter what you intended, it doesn’t matter what was supposed to happen, what happened is what it is. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Let’s be smart and wise about life and ourselves, first and foremost. Shit gets realer and we must remain diligent with our discipline. 

I will master this. 

Practice while I preach, long winded, for longevity. 

I do what I want… What do I really want? 

Time to find out. 

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March MADNESS! 

I am in great spirit. I know you can feeeeeel the vibes. 

First quarter was a bit rough, had to come to terms and flex a bit on a few aspects of my life. I withdrew from everything and dug deeper than the last time.. 

I am now ready for this second quarter. 

We are in March. 

March – April – May 

June is half time.  (6/12)

The irony that it’s also my birthday. 

(25 on the 10th) 

Shit is real. 

The first quarter help prep me for this second coming of Cris* it has already started off smoothly, and will continue to roll out as such. I’m taking a trip this week, and it will be everything I need. 

I’m so aware, it’s nerve wrecking. I’m calming myself and maintaining that sense of cool.. By reminding myself of where I’m coming from, and where I’m going. Where I’m at is just another step along the way. Also, weed helps. A lot. 

I’m working on myself as I work on everything else, per usual. I feel better. 

It’s a lot going on, a lot I could be distracted by .. I’m focused though. I love that even my distractions are still things pertaining to me and my goal, it’s just the timing of the thought or act is not in alignment with what I’m doing right now. What needs to be tended to now, has to be the focus, to make what is attempting to distract me, no longer that. 

Distractions are funny though, we choose what we allow to distract us.. So in a sense, our attention level of energy that we refuse to use for the task at hand yet so helplessly wander over to something that’s for next month. 
Is it that we deem the distraction more important, bc it’s not the task at hand?  The task at hand seems done as you get through it so you allow yourself to be side tracked? Is a distraction merely a revelation? Only we know for ourselves. 

I say all that to say this, 

The thought is just a thought until desire makes it an action.

You are your desires. 

Are you focused? Are you doing what you desire? If not, what’s distracting you? Are you taking the steps needed to live the lifestyle you deeply desire? 

You know what time I’m on .. I wish you all many blessings I know you feel the shift as well. Act acccordingly. 

Shit real. 
Ps. If you are in the NYC area, March 24th stop on by my reading #LustHearIt we will read from 12:24am and discuss the concept of time and personal experiences and opinions on the content of the collection.. More info and RSVP link below 

#LUSTHEARiTRSVP

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12:24am — Mr. Big Man

Merry Christmas eve! My gift is a little early. As we await the eBook release, I decided to share one of the poetic tales.

MR. Big MAN.

“Oh Mr. Big man… Ohhh Mister Big,Man…

Where are you? ..”

she sings on the phone, she hears him moan,
‘baby, I’m here…’
“no, I don’t see you, I can’t feel you.. Are you real Mr. Big Man?”

She taunts him, His blood begins to rush… Now he’s on his way, she knows what to say, to lead him wherever she lays… so she waits, Mr. Big man busy, doing big man things… but he always finds his way to make his baby sing.. those tunes he loves so much.

Such seduction oozes from her pores to his, when they’re in tangled, handling their business.. Oh Mr. thick dick, how fulfilling is he to Ms. wet pussy.. it’s an even exchange, no need for change. Cash it in, stocks are high… Their portfolio is so exciting.. What an alignment, they play each other’s consignment, money just buys them time.. And they spend it on each other every time, cause truth be told.. they don’t really have the time.

Mr. Big man doing his thing, Ms. Wonder woman creating new things..

So in these moments, it’s just them.

Fuck where they at, Fuck their phones… Fuck everything that isn’t them. They have a contract to fulfill, no thought of ever breaking it, fuck a prenup, or a license.. Their love was timeless, it’s obvious.

Those moments apart, out of sight out of mind? HA! Out of sight, flooding the mind, tickling the spine.. Pushing your memory to the point it could cry, but they have to live their lives… Can’t be constantly intertwined, how else will their love age like wine? The time apart, makes the union much more rare.. makes their presence much more there.

They each feel closer, they’re almost there..

Almost to the point of a full union, they’re both roses from concrete, almost to full blooming..

It’s useless, to deny what is right in front of our eyes…

“Mr. Big Man, Mr. Big Man… Oh I how missed you”, she mutters as she kisses his skin, caressing his limbs, this was the life for him.

He knew no one else could understand him like she did, care for him as she did… push him to the deep end, only to take him higher than before..

He was her Big Man, the only man she ado(red). What a score, he certainly hit the jackpot! And brewing in it was her endless love and passion, she was everything he could ever want, no need to ask him.

He wants nothing else than to have her long term, til death do us part? No. He wanted her beyond that…

He wants her in spirit, so she never has to question if Mr. Big Man leaving.

He breathes for her, she can hear it..

“Oh Mr. Big Man, let me let you in on a secret. This is the realest, deepest love I’ve ever known.. from your breaths, to your moans.. to full ownership from a loan.. I’m yours, take my soul when your body ditches yours.. wherever, whenever.. I want to thrive in the pleasure, of having you next to me, in the afterlife…”, she kisses him with such intensity, he can feel her words still lingering with power from her lips…

He stares deep into her eyes,

“Listen to me, You’re forever with me deep on the inside, your love will keep my spirit forever alive”..

Let me know how you’re feeling that, and check out LustyinLavender.com for a copy. 🙂

Shit real.

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Structure. 

The month of July is over..

4th quarter is here. 2016 countdown starts now. 

I think about structure and how that in itself is structu(red) and how society and our surroundings/influences create the outlines on how our structure should be built, and sustained…. If we allow that. 

Now, I say that to say this, all my life I’ve been looking for a structure that fits me, a structure that can sustain my ever growing foundation and allow me to grow and prosper as I am meant to do. But the problem with that is, I’m already complex, and a lot of social structures (the forms of it we are exposed to anyway) are one sided, one dimensional (ironically contradicting the definition of structure but I digress).. And that’s not going to EVER work for me. For I am not one sided. Never have never will. Now that I see that clear as day, I move on to think of the ideal structure for me, using multiple aspects of several structures I already explo(red)/studied to create that.

What amazes me most about my mind, is that if I can’t find it, I will search for ways to create it. You can’t tell me something doesn’t exist, no matter how true it may be at that moment; it’s only a matter of time, thought, and execution to make it a reality. 

It’s a long journey I’m on and to save me from insanity and stagnancy I have to switch it up, I feel like consistently altering back and forth in many different ways that still prove to be very efficient is perfect for me. I get bo(red) doing the same thing over and over which in turn decreases the level of energy I put into it. But as long as the end result is at 100 how I go about it doesn’t have to be the same all the way through. All that matter is the level of effort and work put into it remains the same. No matter what that is.

I’m getting close! Goddamn it I’m almost there! It’s such a good feeling. I’m pushing through and as these next 4 months are my witnesses, I’ll reveal more. 

I just want to get it right for me. 

In getting it right I can do more, say more, help more. And that’s all I ever want. 

24 for 24. 

I’m 24 years old, with 24 hours in a day to make mine as I wish it to be. 

You have the same 24 hours, the same 4 months before this year is up. 

Instead of thinking of all you can’t do, all the time you don’t have.. Look at these next few months at all you can do, all the time you have on your hands. And play with the structure of your life, break your months down and set your goals and go for it. Really go for it!

I mean you have nothing to lose. 

Worse case scenario: you’re one step closer to realizing your goals. 

Best case scenario: your goals are now reality. 
Shit real. 

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It’s funny how…

You see I have a different type of humor, this is a sick world we live in, on many levels. So you must keep your eyes on the prize and all the signs that make shit a joke. 

Cause it’s funny how, in retrospect it all makes sense right? 

Silly us? How didn’t we see it? 

If only we looked back more often.. But not so often, we get stuck in the past and prevent progression.. Cause that’s just stupid, and we’re smart. We get the jokes, you hear the laughs, the ego boosts and killers all at once. We’re aware. We make jokes, but God and life are in on the biggest joke. You. 

You think about what you want all day and don’t even reaLize how the universe is actually working with you… You’re too caught up in your mind in the moment. But in retrospect, ohhh it alllll makes sense. Sometimes it’s too late and we’re all filled with those regrets. But don’t fret, the joke is you can do it again, life keeps moving even when your mind is in slow motion… Lucky for us it spins.. What goes around comes right back. And we see this all in retrospect. 

It really all makes sense. 

So as I think about that, signs and time.  

And how we are NOT in charge of that alignment. At all. Seriously think about all the times you tried to force your alignment of things and how many times that worked….. Now compare it when you went with the flow because you felt it was right and notice how many times that worked out even better than you anticipated. 

You see the joke? 

You don’t find that funny? 

How we as humans still try to force things because we think we know everything. We don’t know shit. That’s the biggest joke. We claim we do but we never really know until.. Yup, you guessed it. Retrospect. 

I just think it’s funny how some shit just clicked in my mind and ironically it was a mini retrospect. And it hit me, when you constantly reassess why you’re doing what you’re doing you notice more opportunities than disadvantages. 

The opportunities are like signs from the universe telling you, IM LISTENING.  GO AHEAD. 

If you ignore that regularly, you probably won’t find that funny.

Shit is real. 

But as usual, I’m just rambling. 

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Time and time again.

Lord knows, life is insightful.

Every passing second reveals something new or a deeper understanding of what I already know..

I love time. I’ve finally grasped what time’s purpose is in everyday life. And that itself took time.

See, I hate to wait… Really do. But what am I waiting for? The right time? My appointed time? For what, that’s a form of procrastination on its own, and trust, I know procrastination.
Time is now.
How we utilize our time creates or decreases time for us, so with that in mind.. We are the creators of time. Especially with our time. It’s like that hour glass, you can stare at it until the last grain leaves the top or you can go to work and flip that hourglass over when you need more time.

All I ask for is time.

I know it’s very valuable, but I’m not one to waste it. I just work to create more of it.

I value time to the point where I won’t allow myself to entertain anything that isn’t progressing time, if you got time to waste, that’s fine.. But I don’t. Any extra time is added to create more time.

Our time is limited, like our existence.

But what we do with our time will be evident long after our existence..

Shit real.

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