Visuals part 7

“I FOUND IT!” bursting through the door, and halting dead in my tracks..

I finally found it.

She stares up from her book, and smiles, – well, right on time… what did you find?

“I found whats wrong, in me that wasn’t allowing me to commit… in all aspects of life.”

now this caught her attention I saw her ears perk up, its been some time, yet again, since I’ve come to see her.. no surprise to her, I put the consistent in, ‘inconsistent’ when it comes to sticking to things.. ‘always one to walk away aren’t you?’ she was never a liar or one to sugar coat, which is one of the main reasons, like a stray I always find my way back,..since I’m here now.. lets dig.

she begins to roll up, which is my cue to start breaking shit down.. “are you interested or committed?, do you know the difference?…. – Yes. “see, I’ve never thought of the difference until I heard that. It blew my mind… all this time I’ve been interested, not committed.. obvious when I self reflect in that mindset.”

– how is this discovery changing you? *lights blunt*

“I can spot easily in others when they are interested, and not committed, although I’ve never worded it that way, I could always tell. But I assumed all my interests were a commitment, and they weren’t. Just because I am not easily intrigued, which is another thing… interest or intrigue, commitment makes the difference. I am interested in many things, but intrigued by few… that applies to all aspects in my life, I can’t turn a corner without the reminder in my face, and I cant help but think, was I avoiding it all before? how did I not notice, I notice everything else.” noticing her motion to pass the blunt as well, I exhaled as I caught my breath with rapid wind.. dragging a deep pull to help unwind even further as she begins to wind me up …

– Bravo! I was waiting for that.. Didn’t take as long as I thought it would, you must be living a little more now huh? (I nod and laugh, exhaling blue dream clouds)… she continues, what many fail to realize is that commitment goes deeper than relationships and responsibilities, we have a commitment to ourselves, our desires, thoughts, etc… we are not as committed as we should be. We are not taught that directly.We are taught to put the commitments we have for others and our lifestyle which interlocks with others before our own inner responsibilities. which in turn is how shift blaming is even a reality.

“YES! this is where I cracked, I’m all for self accountability, so when I caught myself blaming others, dug deeper and discove(red) that it wasn’t the people I was blaming, my choices are fully mine. It was my commitment to them that was the driving force behind my choices that upset me. my commitments were in the wrong places, I felt obligated to things and people I have no real intrigue for… interest is not enough. I can see it now, I always felt, just never knew how to express it until now. its so liberating..”

– I’m so proud of you, and excited to see where you take this insight.. I must say, your growth is impressive, but remember to remind yourself, take it easy.. you learn everything as you are suppose to learn it. Don’t doubt the lessons, don’t doubt your knowledge. most importantly don’t doubt the vibes that lead you to it all, for your vibes are from your core, and you should NEVER doubt that.

I thank her for those words of encouragement, we proceed to get even higher and discuss more in depth whats been going on since our last session.. She must have missed me, she pointed out how this was the longest I’ve been away.. and opened up to me about her marriage. [I didn’t even know she was married] how she once had problems committing, for her interests never fooled her, she claims this is what we both have in common ‘alert little spirits we are’ .. Her and her husband had a relationship that truly make Carrie & Big’s relationship look like a fairy tale, shit she left him at the alter.. shit is real. married 23 years in a few months.. damn.

“when did you know, for good?” – I always knew, I knew from the moment I saw him, he was worth it.. It just took me some time to become worth it for him… and by that I mean, being someone that he can completely grow with, be 100% committed to him, and vice versa. You learn though, commitment is a two way street, give and take, that’s what strengthens it. Solidifies it even. He was worth the risks, the scares of opening up and all the rain that made our sun shine so bright in paradise.. in essence, looking back, we were meant for each other all along, I never had to change a thing, maturity revealed we were what was best. There’s no way you can’t commit to that… Keeping in mind, things take time, time reveals all. All I ask of you, don’t fight what you feel inside, I know you recently made choices as you’ve mentioned, to cut the negative commitments from your life, and for that I applaud you.. now go commit to something real. something you can call your own.

As we toasted to the pep talk of the century, to me atleast. I soaked in all the vibes I felt from our talk and washed it down with some champagne, she felt this was indeed a celebration… anytime her patients cut the shackles she treats it like the highest achievement possible, and I suppose it is, to be free, to find and attain the power to rid yourself of anything or one that weighs you down.. even if it means getting rid of things you consider to make you, you. your aim should be to be the best you possible, no?

Shit real, that was another meeting, and I decided that would be one of my new commitments.

VIsuals 1-3 , Visuals 4-

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Visuals pt. 5

Idk….

“We all don’t know, that’s why we aim to figure things out, ask questions, find answers.”

I exhale and stare at her, I think I know what’s holding me back, but I’m sca(red), I think. It’s weird, I guess maybe outsiders seem to all have a different view from me.. Their view is what I’m sca(red) of.

“Sca(red) their views could become reality?”

No their view is a reality, I’m sca(red) of it becoming MY reality. It’s like, I feel so rebellious. But I’m not forcing it, if anything I feel I’m forced to conform… I haven’t given in, I refuse to, but it’s draining me..

“You know what you have to do, don’t you?”

Yeah… I guess that’s what truly scares me, even more that I haven’t acted on it.

— It’s been a while since I’ve come to visit her, I said that the last time… And it bothers me. I love the clarity she brings, the tranquillity to truly understand the how, why and figure out the what in your life. Evolve more in you, no guessing who and she’s right there, never intruding but more of a guide who makes you feel like you did it all on your own, although you know damn well, she did that. But you feel good, you feel clear.. You see and speak truth.

The truth that is clouded so casually in our daily lives, some of us are so fortunate to have the clarity of truth at all times, bless you. Soon I’ll make it there, for now, thankfully I have her. But let’s get back to the session..

We’re sitting in her bar as she mixes us drinks, always something different with her.. “Why not?” I don’t mind she’s yet to make a bad combo, it seems like she truly has all the answers..

You really have all the answers..

“I just like to ask questions, it’s like digging. Eventually you get it..”

You don’t ever ti(red) of digging?
“do you?”
Touché.
I don’t get ti(red) but I get weird the deeper I dig, in a good way but I just wonder, how much deeper does it get?

“Makes you curious Huh? Keeps you up at night?”

I laugh, yeah. You know it does.

“You torture yourself knowing and not taking the leap you want, you’re so close to the edge… You can see it, just jump… I promise you’ll sleep better.”

I curl my lips, sip my cup, look at her, yes Sensei, I bow my head.. You know best.
We laugh.
But no seriously.
She really does know best. When you look in the mirror, you know who you really are. For someone to see what you see, everything you see.. When you look in the mirror, and mirror that to you, it doesn’t get any realer. It’s rare in these times… we as humans are at war with facing ourselves, first, and then with each other, and only because of the first is the second one even possible: she taught me that…

Speaking of, how’s everything?
“Everything is well, I feel great and you?”

I pause to see if she’ll say anything else, she winks .. I shake my head, I’m well, everything is great. Ima nervous wreck though.

“Aren’t we all?”

As our session progressed, I felt so relieved, she probed and pulled at my soul, it was like a deep tissue massage… Firm, slightly painful but in the end, you feel relaxed and somewhat free, somehow more fluid.

I realized, we are all nervous wrecks, the more intense are wrecking balls.. I saw how true the phrase, ‘the world is your reflection’ really is. Idk if I was high, or just feeling all around good but the way that reality set in was amazing… Even amazing doesn’t begin to cover how deeply things started to resonate. And just like clock work.

*alarm rings*

Do we really need that annoying ass alarm?
She laughs, “you know what happens when we don’t use it”

What’s a couple extra hours? I joke, but I know, we do get carried away with no alarm… there’s no clock, no calendar, shit even HER phone is off. Not on silent. No vibrate. Off. She doesn’t play that here, she feels the connection to outside always leaves us outside, when we need to go inside the most. And by inside she means within us. That’s why I come here… She takes it so seriously, you feel compelled to do the same and it’s always subconsciously.. Yet you’re conscious every minute of it.

What time is it?

For the other visual parts click here and here … In that order.

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Visuals part 4

To get familiar with Visuals click here

It’s been a while…Why has it been so long?
— you tell me, I’m exactly where you last left me.
.. Time, along with my mind gets the best of me… I guess.
— or you know?
Yes. I know.
—I take it you’ve been busy.
Yes in more ways than ever…
—Well you’re here now how you’ve been?
Sca(red) really..
—why? Is everything okay?
Yes, better than okay actually.
—So what are you sca(red) of?
What’s coming to me?
—What is coming to you?
Everything I ever wanted, I feel it now more than ever gradually approaching me, and it’s making me slightly nervous…
—Why? Isn’t that what you want, to receive all you ever wanted?
Yes but the intensity of my work has been increasing rapidly to the point where I know once I get what I’ve been working for, nothing will ever be the same..
—You fear the change?
Not the change but the aftermath of the change.. The reality of it maybe. You know all I think of, all I work for… For it to become a solid reality kinda scares me.. What else am I really capable of?
—Whatever you want to be. We discussed how there’s no limit to what you can accomplish shall you desire it. But what it sounds like to me, and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, your fear stems from the feeling of who you’re becoming… It’s alarming you in a way you don’t quite understand. I don’t think it’s fear exactly.. Maybe anxiety of what’s coming, of who you’re going to be able to reveal once you reach these goals. See, you don’t fear many things.. I can see that. You’re more anxious than fearful. Anxious in a positive sense, if you were fearful of what’s awaiting you… You would turn the other way, yet you continue down this path you’ve been paving, and the increase in anxiety is a sign of how close you truly are and how far you can still go after.

Damn. There she goes again, I knew coming to see her now would clarify many things. I’ve been busy with so many things and time just doesn’t seem to cut me any slack but I had to make time for her. I had to come and spill my soul to her for this very reason, and to think we were only five minutes into conversation… She lit the blunt as I sipped my usual cocktail, as I continue to process what she said… And of course, she awaited patiently in silence.

I think I’m ready to lose control. I think that’s the anxiety behind that, that’s what I’m confusing fear with.

—In what sense?

In the sense that I stop containing myself at times where I should show all of me… I’m too in control sometimes and it feels like the time is coming where I’m going to need to reveal myself.

—Do you feel ready for that?

Fuck yeah, that’s what I’ve been training for..

—So where does the fear or the anxiety come into play…

The thought that constantly haunts me, me in my entirety is too much for “the public” (I air quote with one hand, blunt in the other)

She laughs, I exhale and give her a weird look, I’m so serious.

–Baby girl, you’re more than too much for “the public” (she air quotes this mocking me) but this world needs people like you. I’ll keep telling you this as many times as I need to until it sinks in. You’re really the one. I’ve met many souls in my life and I have yet to encounter someone with your spirit and wisdom.. You’re still a baby, that honey, is scary. But your so aware and prepa(red) I have no doubt that you’ll be way more than the greatest thing you can imagine for yourself. The self doubt that occurs every once in a while is normal, accept that as a reality check, every doubt is silenced by all the plethora of reasons why you will, why you are.. When doubt says you can’t or you’re not. Your anxious nature is another test, testing your patience, testing your drive and motives… You remain calm although it takes every fiber in your being to do so.. You do. You’ll reveal yourself in due time, just relax and enjoy your youth.. You’re preserving it so well don’t forget to truly enjoy yourself. Everything you’re after is well on its way, you can play for a little bit… Just don’t lose focus.

I absorb it all.. Stare at her for a few, “you’re really amazing, you know that?” She smiles, —I try.

I ask her how’s she’s doing, what’s new with her and her life.. Of course she’s vague, but she gives me enough that I don’t feel the need to continue probing. We discuss current events and plans … Exchanging advice on several topics, something we’ve started doing recently, which I enjoy.. Getting to know her a little better.. and I think it’s more for me than her, to make me more comfortable but I know I help her, maybe not as much as she helps me.. But I help in a weird way, somehow. I can tell she values the fact that I’m attentive and helpful. I ask her if I can stay a little longer, I feel I haven’t seen her in so long our usual session seems so short. She glances at her imaginary planner (she doesn’t believe in those) “lucky for you, I’m free. Literally.”

We laugh as I roll another blunt and she makes another round of drinks..

I tell her I’m feeling torn in my love/lust aspect of my life.. How I’m torn between wanting to build something special with someone but I invest more time into building my empire… How do I ever expect to really build something real and I have such little time to invest towards it.

She smiles so hard, you would’ve thought I took my first steps or something.
—Your mind is in the right place.. You’re young, and for your focus to be so clear this early in your life I’m going to tell you now, love is going to be hard to find.. That’s why you don’t look, not saying you do. With your schedule I doubt you’re looking. But understand that you’re going to come across many men who aren’t for you before you find the one that is… The man that’s for you is for you… Your schedule, your goals, dreams won’t intimidate him but inspire him as he inspires you. Of course it’s amazing to be able to build up your dreams into reality with a man who builds simultaneously with you and for his dreams as well.. But the reality of it is, it’s not always going to unfold like that. Don’t let that discourage you though.

I don’t. It’s just, sometimes I just think about, what if I missed out on something real because I was so caught up in me and what I’m doing… The thought doesn’t last too long but it does cross my mind every now and then.

—You’re not missing out on anything, you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be and if you missed out on someone you overlooked, if it were meant to be.. It’ll happen.. That’s one thing about life.. No matter what path we’re on or what we’re doing.. Life will place the exact person we need when we need them.. If they leave our path, we didn’t need them.

You’re really so smart.

—Nah, I just live that’s all…

I think my favorite thing about her is her humbleness.. She really is this amazing individual and she knows this. Shit she knows everything else. But she never lets that get to her… We discuss a few other things, movies, life from different angles, books we’re reading. I grab a few from her library.. She says I’m the only one she let’s borrow books, I thought it was because I returned them in a timely manner, she said its because I love reading more than she does, and she never thought she’d meet the soul who did. So it’s only right.

Right, I reply sarcastically.. we laugh, I get a call and I have to go, which saddens me. I tell her I really missed her and I’ll be back sooner than later..

—I missed you too, and I’m always here whether it’s sooner or later… I’ll be here.

Funny I walked in sca(red), anxious and left calm, feeling serenity, high and intoxicated .. An amazing combo for me.

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